Friday, February 10, 2006
How to Build a Marriage
This one is for me. My voice. My freedom. My happiness.
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*Jayne* cracked me up yesterday when she warned her readers about her topic, saying it's perfectly fine not to read today and come back another day ~she cited her own example of skipping other bloggers' posts about sports. So, I’m doing the same: come back another day if you like, cuz this entry will be personal. Do what makes you happy.
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I like blogging. I like that it touches people once in a while, because I'm a writer. Writers write for themselves, but no one enjoys writing in a vacuum. And I love that I've actually made friends, and we all get to hear different voices and think about different perspectives.
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I am not a person who lives every waking moment as a victim.
Just because politicians deny me the civil rights and legal validation of marriage does not mean I have an unhappy life. I marched right out there and made my own adequate options, if not satisfactory ones. And this is what I did:
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We paid a lawyer $500 to create 5 legal docs that simulate a marriage to a limited degree. $500. How much did you pay for your marriage license?
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1. Healthcare Power of Attorney: makes sure that we and we only have the rights to make all healthcare decisions for each other, to be in the emergency & hospital rooms and to decide who else gets to be in those rooms, whether or not the patient can or should be moved to a different location, and to give or withhold consent for all treatments and surgeries.
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2. Pre-Need Declaration of Guardianship: we are each other's primary care-givers. No one can take that away from us. I will be taking care of my spouse, not his "blood" family, in any case of physical or other dependency.
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3. Durable Powers of Attorney: We both can make all decisions legally on each other's behalf, and our signatures are pretty much interchangeable.
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4. Will (you know what this is)
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5. Living Will: we have complete legal power to decide about "pulling the plug" or not. No one else gets to decide for my spouse but me.
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These cover only the basics. We have to carry these with us as proof wherever we go and whenever we travel. We always have copies on hand to protect us. Rings on our fingers would be so much easier. But life goes on. I am happy. And I am lucky enough to live in a state that validates "domestic partnership" ~a nice pat on the head, as it at least validates that "love is love."
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The Republican Party IS responsible for my lack of civil rights. And the Democratic Party is responsible for utter political cowardice in doing nothing about it. So I will take the lesser of two evils… because it's less evil.
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"Not all Republicans are bad." I never said they were. If you are suporting the Republican Party, you are making a choice and you will be held accountable. If you are a Republican who is speaking out against tyranny and injustice, then you know that this does not apply to you, and you need not be offended by anything I'm saying, right? And don't play the military war card; it doesn't work with me. There are just as many Democrats serving in the war valiantly, loyally and admirably. It has nothing to do with that.
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All my life I've been told to keep quiet because calling attention to bad things just makes others uncomfortable. Even with my friends. I have friends who go silent or like to play devil's advocate, or who think I'm a loose cannon. If they can find a more honest, loyal and balanced friend than me, than I wish them well. But I'm not going to pretend there isn't a giant white elephant in the room just to make others comfortable. I'm going to talk about things that affect me. All things, not just things that don't ruffle feathers.
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Gay people just want to get on with living productive lives. If others would just quit singling us out as aberrations there'd be less squeaky wheels making everyone so uncomfortable. I don't fly the gay flag, I don't buy into "lifestyles" and I don't have a chip on my shoulder. I simply have 41 years of learning to deal with hate and ignorance, and I've managed to transcend that by being a positive influence despite mass apathy.
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I know without any doubt that I was born this way.
But fyi, it's not this way for all gay people.
It's about the brain and how it's wired. Dr. Kinsey gave it a measured scale of 0 to 6. I'm a 6. For me it was not a choice. Sorry, but you'll just have to take my word for it. I love whom I love. End of story. And it is a beautiful, faithful and respectful love, and no amount of ugly lies slung our way will change that. It is from the bottom of my heart. 18 years speak for themselves.
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And no one, religious or political, is going to appoint themselves the mouth of god and tell me otherwise. The bible is just a book. Written and re-written by men. You were given a brain for a reason. Use it to be compassionate and educated, and for Pete's sake, check the facts instead of believing everything you're told. I've listened to all that religions ugliness masquerading as "family values" for 41 years, and I'm tired of it.
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We aren't going to just shut up and drop this issue. We're tired of the Republicans and Religious Right using us as a moral decoy to stir the ignorant masses into supporting their greed. I don't like being used and I won't keep quiet about it. I know what a real marriage is because I've had to build one from scratch.
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I''m going to get on with enjoying having a blog now.
And I'm going to blog about all of my life. Feel free to tune out whatever makes you uncomfortable.
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~Shephard
posted by Shephard @ 