My new computer sits behind me.
I won't mourn the passing of this one. It has done its level best to make the last chokingly-slow moments of its life as exasperating as it could. My new computer could eat this one for lunch. And if possible, I'd let it. I suppose it's the law of the Digital Jungle.

Change is slowly saturating every area of my life now. I'm glad. Sometimes I think of myself as a house in a crowded neighborhood. I can completely renovate the interior without the other houses being aware. Only the people I invite in will notice the renovations. It's that kind of change.

We thought, it will be easier the second time around. Less surprises with a situation that has enormous talent and experienced, seasoned people who've just been through the same, and know what needs to happen. We thought, we know what to expect with the schedule and demands and since we were already balancing it all, it would feel the same. We were just dead wrong. Every movie is different.

B and his partner N really are gifted at what they do. I watch them juggling people, personalities, problems, solutions and doing so with such restraint, grace, humor and kindness that sometimes I wonder if the people involved even notice the effort it takes them. The level of ingratitude surrounding them is a bit shocking sometimes. I couldn't do it. I don't suffer the insensitive, unjust and thoughtless so gracefully and skillfully. B keeps his eye on the big picture and stays fluid enough to rapidly move through all the possibilities. Which is rather like juggling 4 cats and 1 mouse.

The Universe has a way of exhausting us so we let go sometimes. I'm at that point. I physically can't keep all the balls in the air any longer. I notice I'm more apt to say exactly how I feel now (in a nice PC way if possible). I don't always have the energy to explain to those who don't understand. I'm less likely to wait for others to validate my choices or feelings. I don't ask for permission to like what I like anymore, or enjoy what I enjoy, be who I am, or choose what to do with my time. I'm more apt to make healthy choices without lengthy explanations and apologies. My energy and time is precious, and I have a hubby to watch like a hawk, making sure he's healthy and taking care of himself. I have to let some of the balls drop out of the air.

Actually, that all sounds pretty healthy, doesn't it. It only took me getting so tired that I let go my deathgrip on life's control panel. Funny how life works. I'm not waiting for New Year's 2010. I'm ready to make changes now. I'm able to make them now. And, yes, willing too.

Starting with my new computer. I'm going to try to install it myself (hold positive thoughts for me).

~Shephard :)