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Monday, November 30, 2009
The Lights Are Off... but Someone is Home
Our porch lights are usually a welcoming beacon. But they're fried. What does that say?For the past month and a half, we've been having a breaker trip, shutting down a circuit that included the kitchen, bathroom and stairwell light. Very inconvenient over Thanksgiving weekend. We called our normal electrician, but they were closed for the holiday. So we found another (thru Angie's List... an indispensible member-driven referral service). The new electrician found the problem the other could not, as well as identifying some previous mistakes. He also let us know (unlike the last guy) that the breaker is a very sensitive breaker, the best kind, and is designed to protect us. If the breaker is working, we're safe (usual caveats apply). The porch lights will get fixed this week. And now we know NOT to use the previous electrician as well.
I find life to be this way generally.
It hands you a problem (a sign post, a red flag) that has the potential to save you from much more discomfort down the line. Now we have a competent electrician and a solution to a nagging problem.
I see people going through things lately, and I'm holding this same thought for them, that these incidences are just getting them up on their feet to prepare and prevent. I see this time and again, yet it's so easy to forget when you're in the midst of something... that it's a blessing if it prevents greater drama. And you can't always know that til after the fact. 20/20 hindsight. So you may as well think of it as a blessing beforehand, because it'll just make it easier to get through.
I also can't help but think about the symbolism of porch lights being off even though we're home.
It's like I'm keeping the lights off, because lights attract attention, and attention demands energy and participation. And I don't have enough to go around. This metaphor fits me like a glove at this very hectic and exhausting point in my life. I find this approach to be a good compromise, and a great solution to being overwhelmed socially. We love spending time socially, but with B's schedule, we've become a "by appointment only" contact. I'm still working on being a "last minute planner" rather than a "last minute canceler." The emphasis has to remain on quality rather than quantity.
The porch lights are off, but someone is indeed home. Resting and Recharging and rebooting.
~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays
posted by Shephard @ 
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving!
So wrong, and yet so funny.
Hope everyone's Turkey Day is full of gratitude and happy stomachs!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
~Shephard :)
Monday, November 23, 2009
The Early Bird Gets to Smile More
I hear grousing.
Lots of comments about stores being decorated too early for xmas, music on the radio too soon, people grumbling and grinching and scrooging about. I get it. The commercial pressure and financial strain are so discouraging, and most of us have decades of tradition that add to the feeling that it's just too early/doesn't feel right!
B & I had to go out this weekend to our local Christmas emporium to buy a new tree because, last year, he tried to "rewire" one of the sets of limbs that was out.
--** ZZZZT, he cut thru a wire **--
So we needed a new tree. For the record, I have no intention of letting him near electrical any time soon... and he was sufficiently surprised enough for it to leave an indelible impression.
After we found the perfect tree, we left the xmas shop, and went to Crate & Barrel and Pottery Barn etc, and saw all the decorations. When we returned to the sunlight, I really looked at the street and shopping areas along Old Town Pasadena, all decked and flocked and gussied. All day I'd been feeling like it was too early for everything. But then I looked around, and thought... look how peaceful it is, because everyone else is resisting the season. Not many shoppers. No crowds. Everything was festive and cheery, and Andy Williams was insisting that "It's the Holiday Season."
I came home realizing that I can keep the spirit aloft a little longer this year because it started earlier. And I thought about all the people whose day it may have brightened. Mine certainly. The season, despite what anyone wants to attach to it, religion or commercialism, does engender increased smiles and kindness and generosity. I think of it as the momentum of the season (the spirit)... and if that momentum gets started a little earlier because of the retail greed, well, maybe that's the silver lining.
When I think of Black Friday and the compressed three weeks of December that follow, it feels like maybe one or two more weeks to ease into the holiday at our own pace would be a welcome addition. I don't know anyone who would argue that this wasn't a pretty rocky year for most people. Auntie Mame said it so succinctly" maybe "We need a little Christmas, right this very minute." And since I can't stop it anyway, I have two choices: resent & resist, or embrace the silver lining.
Happy Holidays!
Shephard :)
Monday, November 16, 2009
Shall We Gather?
Today a fat little squirrel visited me and the cats.
I dug through the pantry to find something healthy for a squirrel and found the walnuts I bought at Whole Foods. I knew the squirrel would appreciate them more than I would.
(adorable, isn't she?) I thought about the symbolism of squirrel and this time of year. Even LA squirrels have to gather for leaner times. We all gather things. I think people forget that what we gather has a direct effect on our healthy future, in the same way that the squirrel gathers healthy food to support himself. He prepares for a healthy future.
To quote myself from an earlier post: "Sometimes preparation means lightening your load, freeing up resources, readying for change. Get rid of things that don’t suit you or the goal you have in mind… whether these things are attitudes, perspectives, spouses, beliefs, people, relationships, etc. Things that don't speed your progress. Things that keep you so occupied in an old pattern, that you end up being less prepared for your future."
I realized that I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately about what I want to gather, and what I don't want to gather any longer. What supports me and a healthy outlook and perspective? If I gather and gather for fear of lack in the future, I then live overburdened in the present by all that I'm carrying. I will actually slow myself down by what I'm choosing to gather. Preparation is a good thing, but too much preparation and you get stuck in waiting for the need to use what you've gathered.
A good friend of mine is carrying everything his family tells him to carry, so that he can feel like a good person. I see another friend of mine playing a role they think makes them valuable to a mutual friend. And I watch my talented husband who seems to realize, with such ease, what to worry about, and what not to worry about. All this makes me think about what I'm carrying. What have I gathered that no longer serves me? And what I can let go of? Psst... did you know we can actually give ourselves permission to let go of things?
I'm gathering new things and casting off the old, in preparation for a healthy future. And I'm feeling ten pounds lighter already. I needed a reminder. I'm grateful. It seemed only fair to feed the reminder the walnuts.
If interested, you can read more from my previous squirrel post about gathering; just click over *here*
~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays
Monday, November 09, 2009
Turn and Face the Change
I needed clarity in my life. I was too close to the center to see clearly.There are several ways I go about this: getting out of my rut/pattern and changing up the scenery, lunch with a friend, reading something up-lifting, writing on my blog, paying attention to the signs the Universe sends me... it's about perspective. Getting sick can even break up the mental rut and force me to stop and take stock (which I also did). It's good for us all to have options, and to know what works and when.
Lately, I've been brain tired and body tired. I knew none of the above was enough. So I sought outside help.
I happen to know a very grounded, talented, authentic psychic. Now let's be clear... she's not the kind that tells you your Aunt Esther has 6 months to live or who tries to pump you for clues as to what to say to you. I think these garden variety faker fortune-tellers are rather obvious (and there were actually a couple at the New Orleans themed Wrap Party this weekend whom friends told me were terrible), but they are not the real deal.
My reading took an hour, and at the end of it, I had a very clear sense of a battle plan to get me through the next year. I saw clearly what it was I was doing to keep myself stuck, and I had many ideas and suggestions to pin my hopes to as well.
I need to become the friend who calls at the last minute, not cancels at the last minute. Spontaneous choices instead of rigid planning. I give away our free time at the drop of a hat. When I see free time, I fill it with events or agree to do things with friends. I have no time for me, no extra time to plan, no time to do something spontaneous and no time to relax. With B's crazy schedule, I have worried that people would get mad at us for not being available. But, I realize now, it won't matter to those who matter. So, I am no longer going to plan things even a week out if I don't absolutely have to. This will allow me to breathe.
B and I have so little time, that the 2 or 3 evening hours we do spend together are spent unwinding and catching up. There's no time left over for being in the present together, for talking or enjoying the idea of things to come. There's no time just to be.
I also have a habit of trouble-shooting problems that don't exist. Preparing for the worst. That's sort of like loading the boat with so many life-vests there's no room for things the boat and passengers actually need. I need to bring myself back to the present. It's simply not necessary. Preparation is good, but too much is strangling.
I need to remember that all of us are sign-posts for others as well. Sometimes our example is not a comfortable one for everyone, but we have to be that anyway, or we rob them of an opportunity. I am who I am.
I've been trying so hard to be all things to all people, that I'm not focusing on what I need to be. Examples: When I'm in a work-social situation, I'm always thinking about reflecting well on my husband's reputation. When I'm with friend A, I have a list of things to avoid, and when with friend Z, I have an entirely different list to avoid, and of course I just keep quiet with friend W. I have friends who don't know what I believe about the world and reality, and other friends to whom I can talk freely or who aren't interested. All of this balancing and variety is normal for all of us, but I have so much diversity I feel pulled in too many directions. A life spent trying not to ruffle feathers just gets me down (get it??). I'll be much more well-adjusted if I stop trying to adjust so much.
Could I have gotten this info from someone other than a psychic? For those who listen, life finds a way to get through to us one way or another. The message is always more important than the messenger. My reading was about learning more about myself, not predicting the future. Or rather, protecting the future from the present.
It's been a very enlightening week and I have a lot to think about.
~Shephard :)
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Prime Directives
For months, I've had so much coming at me, that I just keep treading water, and eventually, I just started floating and watching it all go by, responding only to those things that demanded my response. It's just about getting from here to there. I'm not unhappy, I'm just tired. When your husband's job consumes your lives for 36 months, you just have to be grateful for what it gives you, and wait all the rest out. So, I think that's what I've been doing. A lot of waiting.
I miss B being more light-hearted.
I miss the laughter.
I miss being able to plan things.
I miss B having more energy to enjoy life.
I miss not worrying about every choice the mouse makes.
I miss weekends, and being able to do anything with them.
I miss being able to just go somewhere.
I miss normal dinner hours.
I miss having the energy to do more than just rest & recharge.
We also know, there's no way most of the people in our lives can truly understand. Even those friends we have in the industry have never directed two overlapping films (Maybe we need to be friends with Peter Jackson?), so they only understand a fraction of it. Of course, now we realize that doing 2 films in a row is not good for B or for me. It would never happen this way again, so we've no worries about having to sustain all this. We have each other, and that's what's pulling us through. We just don't have the energy to wade through baggage the way we normally do. I have to choose positive exchanges and situations, because that's what's keeping us going.
The Universe never gives us more than we can handle. This whole experience has forced us to streamline our lives to the positive and conducive. One friend said it would be a marathon. She was almost right. It's more like mountain-climbing. I'm an excellent planner. If I'd only known more of what we would need to get through ahead of time, I could have planned better. But... I think that the point wasn't to plan better, but that life needed to exhaust us so we'd have to start making better choices.
I am so happy with some of the changes lately. Inner changes. I have gained a sense of emotional independence. I think I'm just too tired to care when someone else disagrees or needs something I can't give them. It's wonderful! Because I don't worry about it now. My worry credits are spent. So I just smile now and say no, and the social pressure I used to feel is gone. It's not my responsibility to make sure everyone understands my choices. Good lord, is that what I've been doing all my life? Making sure everyone understands my choices? How exhausting!
So this has been about exhausting the bad habits. Or maybe exorcising them? I
Prime Directives. I've known what tools to use for so long... but wanting the understanding was a compromise. Perhaps that quality is inherent in all writers... striving for understanding. But it's suddenly not a prime directive anymore. It has marginal importance. With healthier choices, I'll stop treading, and start swimming again. Had I been less stubborn, I'd have reached this conclusion without the exhaustion. But maybe I needed that to reach the point of quiet knowing and determination.
~Shephard :)
Monday, November 02, 2009
God Sent Me Soy Sauce
Funny how life just talks to you , if you listen. Call it whatever you want to, god, the Universe, The Great Pumpkin, Life. But I've learned to listen. I had a heart to heart with someone the other day about not being afraid to ask for help. I suggested she reach out, pride be damned, and ask for help and not punish herself for having made very human and understandable mistakes.
I've talked to another good friend recently about "Asking for what you want," because if you don't say it out loud, how else is anyone out there (who could potentially help you) going to recognize an opportunity to help when it comes along? Ask, maybe they'll say yes. She asked. They said yes.
A good friend called today, knowing I was under the weather, and asked if she could pick up anything for me at Whole Paycheck (wink to Wendy). I immediately said no, because it's been hammered into me to never ask for help. I'm sick. I'm at home. B works late. I realized that... I needed soy sauce for our dinner tonight, and B would have to stop at the store to get it at 8pm or later tonight, on his way home, after a very long day (and a long weekend of nursing me back to health... ). So, I called her back and said I would love it if she could bring me some soy sauce. And I felt so guilty. I immediately thought, I have to do something nice to return the kindness, to make it up to her.
Then I started to think about my pattern.
I'm not used to accepting help, even though I'm surrounded by several generous friends. Part of it is that I know how well B has done for us. We'll always want to share that with the people we love. And you have to keep the energy moving. But I feel guilty when my limitations require anything from others.
And this all went through my mind after my friend's offer to get me something from the store. It was a generous and easy gesture for her, but it was helping me and a very tired B at the same time and it made a difference in our lives. Life was trying to help me, and I almost closed my hand to what it was offering.
Maybe it's like that metaphor...
A man is caught in a flood, and he stood on the roof, waiting for god to save him, a boat came for him, and he said "No, god will save me," and then hippopotamus came floating by asking if he needed help (I know that's wrong, I can't remember the second thing, just go with it), and he said no, "God will save me," and then a helicopter came and he refused that as well. He drowned, went to heaven, and said, "God why didn't you save me?" And god said... "I tried! I sent you a boat, a hippopotamus and a helicopter!"
We do have to ask for what we want. It's ok to want. It's ok to ask. It's not better to give than to receive... because if giving is better, then that means someone would always be better than someone else. Both are important. It's important to allow others the same generosity. I think we're all connected and able to move each other forward when we remember to listen for the opportunities. I'm going to try to be more open to receiving from The Universe.
~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays