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Monday, April 26, 2010
Freeze and Thaw
Frozen is how life feels at the moment.
Or, possibly pregnant and moving very slowly?
We all have our moments of floundering and searching. This post is just me exorcising my demons, feel perfectly free to tune it out and scroll down to the FUN HOUSE POSTS BELOW! :)I sprained my toe, it's healing very slowly. Sounds like no big deal. But it prevents me from walking and exercising, which prevents me from taking off the 10lbs that I gained because of all the late nights and stress and (the sometimes but always temporary) loneliness, which makes me stress about clothing fitting and upcoming events and self-esteem, which depresses me, which makes me not care, which makes me eat things I shouldn't more often than I should.
We search for a house, and worry that people will keep out-bidding us. We try to remember that what's ours will be ours, and we remind each other not to settle for better than what we have, instead of exactly what we want. We know better. The houses we love are always priced higher based on the location rather than accurate value criteria like square footage and renovation history. People still think it's the market from 4 or 5 years ago. I watch and predict with accuracy most of the houses that have to drop their prices. But there are more buyers than houses right now. So people bid stupidly. We choose not to. We keep searching.
We've been on a rollercoaster schedule for nearly 3 years now. I marvel at where it has taken us. I have real gratitude. And I've traded something in the process. I have virtually no say and no control in the structure of our lives. For 3 years, I've soldiered on, only complaining when I hit a wall; I've rallied and resourced and been a trooper and a team-player and had the best attitude I could muster, while the things I really love increasingly fall by the wayside . . . because we're too exhausted. We're at the mercy of B's job.
Mokee passing last week (or was it the week before?) was hard on us, and I'm sure some of this mood is born of that experience wearing down our resistance. I have thought about how much having these little beings in my life has benefited us. Our cats have helped me through these 3 years.
My relationship with my mom has changed. As she advances into her 80's, she's becoming more self-absorbed and out-of-touch. She twists reality to support delusion. She has chosen not to hear me, not to understand. I don't take it personally, because it has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her. So, I'm adjusting.
This FB thing... is a two-edged sword. It's hard to remain on good speaking terms with the past. It's a challenge. Every backwards glance ends up being a faceful of blech. I'm going to start ignoring friend requests from the past. I can learn from and be respectful of the past without having to be friends with it.
I continue to look for the bright side in everything; the lesson understood today will make tomorrow's that much easier. I look at the metaphor of those who live in frozen worlds... and they make their worlds more colorful, embracing the season. If this is my frozen season, I can do the same. 
It's almost May. I'm almost there.
I can make it to October easily. If one detail will thaw, just one... I'll have something to focus on, something to grab hold of.
If we find the house, that would be more than enough. If my foot would heal. If it would quit raining and damaging our kitchen ceiling. If no other ugliness raises its head. If I can manage not to dread and long-for the fall at the same time, and stay in the moment. I actually saw a bumper sticker the other day: "One Day At A time" (and I waited for the person to get out of their car, in hopes that it would be Bonnie Franklin). If I had the energy to make theatre nights happen, or if there was a necessary NYC recording trip required of B to enjoy, or if there were friends to spend quality time with... or something just as good as any of the above that I haven't thought of that is coming down the pike.
Looking back, I'll have worried for nothing. I'll have used my time efficiently, resulting in a completed novel. And things will have gone well, every challenge having found solutions. I'll realize the necessary good that came from it all. I'll know that these 3 years were highly unusual, not indicative of future requirements, but rather a wild and necessary shortcut. A worm-hole to happiness. And I can go back to being the "me" that I miss, a little wiser and well-seasoned after the thaw.
~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays
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