Hello, my name is Shephard, and I have Control Issues.

Song lyric of the Day: "Seems easier to push than to let go and trust."
("It's Alright," Indigo Girls).

This was a titanic battle against banks whose objective is NOT to give you money. Imagine running a marthon while someone throws garbage cans in your path. These last couples weeks have been challenging. My tendency to people-please collided with my sprained toe, packing the house and B's ridiculously unreasonable work-schedule and it made me just let go, and not try to control everything.


There has been so much bluster around me, trying to derail and distract me, trying to suck me into the drama. Some days it succeeds, but most days, I am remembering... that it's not my drama. We are so tired, I think it leaves us more susceptible. But we always knew the house was ours. I knew it when we walked in and I couldn't hold back the "pineapples."

But the banks didn't win. We got a kitchen we've always wanted. And then some.

Being tired, I've been less-than-silent when it comes to graciously suffering the fools. So my attitude has taken a minor nose-dive on occasion. I know it's not always pretty. But sometimes it takes more energy than I have to keep my mouth shut.


Neither of us can remember ever having been this tired --it's the kind of tired where your brain shuts down and you just stare at the walls. Music, supportive friends and the kitties lift my spirits every day. ABBA music at the Hollywood Bowl helped also.

So we're not ready for the move. We'll just fake it. And we won't have any real chairs or seating or tables for a while (none of our furniture belongs in a mid-century modern). But I don't care. We have cushions, kitties, a bed, a TV and each other. And that house. Did I mention the house ?


What are we supposed to learn from all this?
The drama wasn't really necessary. "The one you feed wins." (see previous post). I do have a choice, and did well most of the time avoiding it all. :) Practice trust. It reminds me of the Mary Anne Radmacher quote: "What if we just pretended that life was easy?" I need to be peaceful/happy now... cuz there's no such thing as an empty in-box.

I may not be able to blog next week... lots of tidying and repair work at the new place, and I have a new office that is screaming for a couple coats of either Periwinkle or Aqua. I can't decide. Maybe I'll need a break. My laptop may find some wi-fi there at the new house.

~Shephard :)