Shephard's Alley

Monday, September 27, 2010

The Two-Headed Monster

Assumptions are imaginary monsters we allow to habitually wound us.

I realize all too well how often I make assumptions based on the silence of others, and the effect it has on my perspective.

Silence and Words.

People either share, or withhold, based on how the results suit them.

Because I am a communicator, my whole life I've been hyper-sensitive to what is NOT being said. I'm rather good at figuring out intentions and motivations. I don't see this changing.

But I cross the "healthy" line when I use these assumptions to wound myself. I will give you a very personal example of something I used to do a lot.

So a close friend says to me, "Oh, I can't go with you on Sunday, I'm busy."

(pause, add cricket noises).

Hmm. When a close friend is purposefully vague, there's always a reason. They are not sharing details, which means they're hiding details. Why wouldn't they tell their close friend what they're up to ...unless (assumption list) it was because of a good surprise, it was something embarrassing, they didn't want to worry them, or they didn't want them to feel left out.

Assumption from Silence attacks the psyche once again, and before I know it, I'm upset or hurt. Taking it personally.

Leave it to B to see the obvious, and be my voice of sanity, my rescuer from The Assumption Monster. He offered very simply: "You are a good person. You are a optimistic, positive, fun person. You are a kind, open, considerate and compassionate person. If someone doesn't want to be around you, it's not because of you."

And I say, yeah but that doesn't make me feel better if they are thinking negative things about me. Or jealous. Or offended. Or threatened. Or making wrong assumptions. Or bored or tired of me. Or I matter less to them than they to me.

To which he said, "It's their loss if they don't appreciate you. And you don't want people in your life who don't appreciate you. And... if they do appreciate you, then there's another good reason for their choices that has NOTHING to do with you."

And it's none of my business.

And maybe the amount of energy I'm giving it... is me trying to force something that isn't there.

Well damn.

I often take on the role of keeping the Communication Ball in the air. How exhausting. Fwak that. Think of the things I could do if I stop wasting that energy! How wasteful for me to keep whacking at a ping pong ball that rarely returns.

Symbolically, people in my life fit into one of two camps.

Those who are demonstrative with communication.

Those who withhold communication.

That has nothing to do with how often I hear from them.

There are people I hear from only once in a while
who communicate quite clearly and openly.

Everyone is just trying to be happy.

Everyone wants to feel safe.

For some, silence is safety.

I support their right to choose silence.

However, silence doesn't build bridges.

Life is so crazy for us right now, I'm afraid I don't have the energy to keep swimming across to reach people who don't build bridges.