![[title of show]](http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b285/ShephardSummers/titleofshowsm.jpg)
Friday, July 30, 2010
The Little Prince Who Stole My Heart
Our first kitten, our first Abyssinian, our first Little Cheese Monster. Our Rugby, named after the little Christmas Tiger in Jim Henson's "The Christmas Toy."
My heart is breaking, because we have to let him go. He has liver cancer, and is failing fast, and I just can't let him suffer, knowing he doesn't understanding what is happening. We move in 3 days, and the shock of an entirely alien house with nothing familiar would be so traumatic. Just can't do that to him.
He is as cute as he is beautiful. 
Shy yet very affectionate, always willing to kiss a stranger on the nose. 
To get him to purr, all you have to do is kiss him on top of the head. :)
I never thought having 4 cats sounded like too many. Until we have to lose 2 inside three months, and then I think that we will be happy loving and cherishing the two we have left. 
I mentioned his potential condition to someone, and that when there was hope, it was going to cost $4000. And they said, "For a CAT??" They said it as if it was the most ridiculous thing they'd ever heard. I wasn't mad. I thought... how tragic for them that they'll never understand. They will go their full lives and never have what we shared the last 17 years with little Rugby. 
Rugby, and Mokee (we lost her peacefully to old age 3 months ago...she was 18)
Rugby is responsible for my love of photography. With such a captivating and endearing subject, how could I not get the photography bug?
He loves squirrels. And cheese. And he most definitely loves us. 
I don't normally post pix of us on my blog... but... I had to post the above as proof to anyone who says cats are not demonstratively affectionate. 
I'll miss him more than words can say. I had to do this post before tomorrow, because I don't think I'll be able to after that. Goodbye, Little Prince. You are so much of the brightest part of the last 17 years. I love you.
~Shephard Labels: Cats: Rugby
posted by Shephard @ 
Friday, July 23, 2010
Dictionaries Don't Lie
The word "ours" says it all -- so simple and to the point and full of hope and meaning and joy. I thought I'd quote the definition from dictionary dot com just to drive the simplicity home, so I went to the site ... and then laughed at what I found. Imagine my surprise when I read verbatim:
"Ours: (pronoun)
1. A form of the possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective: Which house is ours?"
I half expected it to then tell me that Kira really was a muse.
(and if you don't get that reference, it's ok... I'm disappointed, but I'm still very fond of you).
The photo above is the real deal: my hand turning the key for the first time on our new home. And even though B couldn't be there to go in with me, he was there in spirit (I took a photo of him with me, and texted him the above photo).
We found the house on May 23rd, and we closed escrow on it July 23rd. I'm not sure it has really hit me yet that it's truly ours. Maybe The Universe (or Dictonary dot com) needed me to think about the synchronicity of it all. We had a lot of help, and a lot of people rooting for us, and I am touched and grateful to finally take a deep breath, and answer the question, "Which house is ours?" A: The house we asked for.
In January, we sat down and wrote out everything we wanted/didn't want in a home. We didn't actually expect any house would have everything, let alone things we loved and didn't dare put on the list (like stained glass), it was just to help us figure it out.
A few weeks ago, we pulled out that list and read it, and were shocked the house had 99% of everything on the list. What was the one thing that The Universe ignored on our list? The pool. We said we didn't want a swimming pool. But the house actually has one. Who are we to argue with that?
A few weeks ago, we pulled out that list and read it, and were shocked the house had 99% of everything on the list. What was the one thing that The Universe ignored on our list? The pool. We said we didn't want a swimming pool. But the house actually has one. Who are we to argue with that?
This kind of house... in the shape it's in... in this area of the city... was a tall order for The Universe. I'll just say I'm so grateful.
"Home, the spot of earth supremely blest
A dearer, sweeter spot than all the rest."
~Robert Montgomery
A dearer, sweeter spot than all the rest."
~Robert Montgomery
~Shephard :)
Monday, July 19, 2010
Comin' in for a Landing
Hello, my name is Shephard, and I have Control Issues.
Song lyric of the Day: "Seems easier to push than to let go and trust."
("It's Alright," Indigo Girls).
This was a titanic battle against banks whose objective is NOT to give you money. Imagine running a marthon while someone throws garbage cans in your path. These last couples weeks have been challenging. My tendency to people-please collided with my sprained toe, packing the house and B's ridiculously unreasonable work-schedule and it made me just let go, and not try to control everything.
There has been so much bluster around me, trying to derail and distract me, trying to suck me into the drama. Some days it succeeds, but most days, I am remembering... that it's not my drama. We are so tired, I think it leaves us more susceptible. But we always knew the house was ours. I knew it when we walked in and I couldn't hold back the "pineapples."
But the banks didn't win. We got a kitchen we've always wanted. And then some.
Being tired, I've been less-than-silent when it comes to graciously suffering the fools. So my attitude has taken a minor nose-dive on occasion. I know it's not always pretty. But sometimes it takes more energy than I have to keep my mouth shut.
Neither of us can remember ever having been this tired --it's the kind of tired where your brain shuts down and you just stare at the walls. Music, supportive friends and the kitties lift my spirits every day. ABBA music at the Hollywood Bowl helped also.
Neither of us can remember ever having been this tired --it's the kind of tired where your brain shuts down and you just stare at the walls. Music, supportive friends and the kitties lift my spirits every day. ABBA music at the Hollywood Bowl helped also.
So we're not ready for the move. We'll just fake it. And we won't have any real chairs or seating or tables for a while (none of our furniture belongs in a mid-century modern). But I don't care. We have cushions, kitties, a bed, a TV and each other. And that house. Did I mention the house ?
What are we supposed to learn from all this?
The drama wasn't really necessary. "The one you feed wins." (see previous post). I do have a choice, and did well most of the time avoiding it all. :) Practice trust. It reminds me of the Mary Anne Radmacher quote: "What if we just pretended that life was easy?" I need to be peaceful/happy now... cuz there's no such thing as an empty in-box.
I may not be able to blog next week... lots of tidying and repair work at the new place, and I have a new office that is screaming for a couple coats of either Periwinkle or Aqua. I can't decide. Maybe I'll need a break. My laptop may find some wi-fi there at the new house.
~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays
Monday, July 12, 2010
House of Wolves & Spiders
I'm sitting at my desk. A good-sized spider appears at my periphery. I run to get The Bugzouka (thank you, Dianne) to humanely capture him and escort him from my office. But the spider (aka The Universe) is not done with me. He is fast. He escapes INTO my printer. I cannot find him. I am not happy.
The next day, I am sitting happily typing away at the keyboard, and Spider DROPS from the sky in front of me, landing dead-center between me and my computer screen!! It actually made a SOUND as it hit my desk! And so did I. After a compulsory screetch and scramble, I get the Bugz**ka and attempt to capture him, but Spider disappears into my desk. NOT A HAPPY CAMPER!
I then completely clear, clean and windex my entire desk, up, down, in, out, over, under. He has disappeared. $%#!&!!
I call my friend Ellen, and we process The Big Picture.
The message is pretty clear to us: "Be careful not to get tangled up in other people's drama." This has been the source of ALL of my anxiety and stress. Specifically: dealing with the convoluted loan/bank/broker process that equated to almost losing the house 3 times and jumping through more hoops than a trained circus poodle.
I realized I fed on the drama that is built into the process. This drama was never really mine. I can only do my best, and leave The Universe the rest. For even when things are seemingly mishandled, there was always good reason. It's part of my highest good (even if I'm emotionally attached to a different outcome).
Ellen and I laughed and I felt great.
An hour later, I'm sitting at my newly-scoured desk, now the epitome of order and simplicity, and little yellow Oboe hops into my lap. I hug him and jokingly say, "Hey you, why aren't you protecting me from that Spider?" He looks up at me, and then his gaze averts dramatically to the ceiling and his pupils ENLARGE greatly. I look up JUST IN TIME to leap out of the way as Spider drops onto my desk from the ceiling to the EXACT SAME SPOT on my desk in front of me!! I scream (because I don't much care for Kamikazi spiders) and again attempt the Bugz**ka to no avail. He gets away again!! Well, he's fast!
I'm of course totally freaked out now.
I text Ellen, and she calls me and is laughing up a storm. I am trying to. Because it IS funny. But I still have the willies. I get out my laptop, camp out in the living room, and do not return to my desk that day. That night, Spider shows up on the living room ceiling and Byron Bugz**ka's him to safety.
The next day, typity-type, I'm happy.
Out of the corner of my eye: SPIDER!! Are you FREAKIN' KIDDING ME??? Apparently the living room ceiling spider was just a decoy for Mr. Kamakazi!! Ok people, I had tried valliantly 3 times... but I was not about to let this harassment continue! He's too fast! Mr. Kamakazi went to that great web in the sky (he had it comin'!).
My doubt was pretty much quenched (see previous post). I certainly couldn't ignore the anything-but-random events (tho be my guest, if you want to). I have been remarkably chill ever since, throughout many more ridiculous shennanigans from the banks and escrow et al. The house is either ours or it is not. The drama of the process is not my drama.
Two weeks later...
I'm sitting beneathe the blue roof of IHOP with Ellen and B, enjoying our Cinni-Minions, and we're talking about how easy it is for people not to realize they are feeding the drama in their lives...which triggers an epiphany for me. I remembered seeing the following story on someone's FB page:
Omg. The one you feed wins.
Well... isn't that just the same message as Mr. Kamakazi valiantly drove home? I can choose not to get tangled in the drama that isn't mine. I can feed the future with doses of worry and anxiety, or I can feed it with the trust that whatever comes my way, I'll know how to handle it in that moment, and I'll be fine.
Mr. Kamakazi may be gone, but the willies linger... I guess you can say The Universe managed to get and keep my attention. And now I will be mindful of which wolf I am feeding, lest I be divebombed by future reminders.
~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays
Monday, July 05, 2010
My Loyal Friend, Doubt
Loyal friend... or more like that friend who always asks you if you're sure you are on top of things and have made the right choices. Or maybe more like the "Jewish Mom" achetype... nagging you about things you know you are worried about, but won't admit out loud.
What was I saying?
Oh yeah, doubt is a loyal friend. Doubt gets me to question, look more closely and keep an eye on things. How do you tell the difference between doubt and intuition though? The two sometimes inhabit my body at the same time.
Oh yeah, doubt is a loyal friend. Doubt gets me to question, look more closely and keep an eye on things. How do you tell the difference between doubt and intuition though? The two sometimes inhabit my body at the same time.
I try to look at what I'm doubting.
Doubt can come from so many directions.
It can be fear of being wrong/making mistakes.
It can be fear of others knowing you're wrong and thinking less of you.
It can come from fear of disappointment
(If I believe, and then it all falls apart, I'll be so devastated).
Doubt can come from so many directions.
It can be fear of being wrong/making mistakes.
It can be fear of others knowing you're wrong and thinking less of you.
It can come from fear of disappointment
(If I believe, and then it all falls apart, I'll be so devastated).
It can be motivated by fatique and depletion of courage.
But doubt is fear. Fear of the past, of the future. Fear of the unknown.
But doubt is fear. Fear of the past, of the future. Fear of the unknown.
If I didn't embrace doubt for what it is, it might close the door on that nagging feeling that turns out to be intuition. I have been focusing on believing ("Don't be lazy... Believe!", previous post), but the nagging doubt kept me at the ready.
I know I worry ...and I fear disappointment .... in this house situation. But if I identify fears, I can prevent them from making my decisions for me. If I don't let fears distract me, I can pay attention. Sure enough, when push came to shove, the situation revealed "that nagging feeling" wasn't doubt but rather intution. I was ready to act.
But we are not out of the woods yet unfortunately. The banks have done their level best to thwart us at every juncture, tossing obstacle after obstacle in our way (I wish I were exaggerating). And they have failed. If you knew the details, you would marvel at the ludiscrousness of it all. They gave me good reason to doubt and to question.If that house is meant to be ours, there's not a thing they can do about it. :) If it's not meant to be ours, we will mourn and move on! There's life to be lived. Another week, and we just might be in the clear. I look foward to sharing photos with you of our new home.
~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays