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Monday, September 27, 2010
The Two-Headed Monster
Assumptions are imaginary monsters we allow to habitually wound us.
I realize all too well how often I make assumptions based on the silence of others, and the effect it has on my perspective.
Silence and Words.
People either share, or withhold, based on how the results suit them.
Because I am a communicator, my whole life I've been hyper-sensitive to what is NOT being said. I'm rather good at figuring out intentions and motivations. I don't see this changing.
But I cross the "healthy" line when I use these assumptions to wound myself. I will give you a very personal example of something I used to do a lot.
So a close friend says to me, "Oh, I can't go with you on Sunday, I'm busy."
(pause, add cricket noises).
Hmm. When a close friend is purposefully vague, there's always a reason. They are not sharing details, which means they're hiding details. Why wouldn't they tell their close friend what they're up to ...unless (assumption list) it was because of a good surprise, it was something embarrassing, they didn't want to worry them, or they didn't want them to feel left out.
Assumption from Silence attacks the psyche once again, and before I know it, I'm upset or hurt. Taking it personally.
Hmm. When a close friend is purposefully vague, there's always a reason. They are not sharing details, which means they're hiding details. Why wouldn't they tell their close friend what they're up to ...unless (assumption list) it was because of a good surprise, it was something embarrassing, they didn't want to worry them, or they didn't want them to feel left out.
Assumption from Silence attacks the psyche once again, and before I know it, I'm upset or hurt. Taking it personally.
Leave it to B to see the obvious, and be my voice of sanity, my rescuer from The Assumption Monster. He offered very simply: "You are a good person. You are a optimistic, positive, fun person. You are a kind, open, considerate and compassionate person. If someone doesn't want to be around you, it's not because of you."
And I say, yeah but that doesn't make me feel better if they are thinking negative things about me. Or jealous. Or offended. Or threatened. Or making wrong assumptions. Or bored or tired of me. Or I matter less to them than they to me.
To which he said, "It's their loss if they don't appreciate you. And you don't want people in your life who don't appreciate you. And... if they do appreciate you, then there's another good reason for their choices that has NOTHING to do with you."
And it's none of my business.
And maybe the amount of energy I'm giving it... is me trying to force something that isn't there.
Well damn.
I often take on the role of keeping the Communication Ball in the air. How exhausting. Fwak that. Think of the things I could do if I stop wasting that energy! How wasteful for me to keep whacking at a ping pong ball that rarely returns.
Symbolically, people in my life fit into one of two camps.
Those who are demonstrative with communication.
Those who withhold communication.
That has nothing to do with how often I hear from them.
There are people I hear from only once in a while
who communicate quite clearly and openly.
who communicate quite clearly and openly.
Everyone is just trying to be happy.
Everyone wants to feel safe.
For some, silence is safety.
I support their right to choose silence.
However, silence doesn't build bridges.
Life is so crazy for us right now, I'm afraid I don't have the energy to keep swimming across to reach people who don't build bridges.
Silence and Assumptions... One monster, two heads.
For those who don't communicate... will I assume their silence is my deficiency?
I'm going to make a good effort not to.
Silly Shephard, it's not always about you.
And even when it is, well, it's their movie to cast as they see fit.
~Shephard :)
Labels: Four Agreements
posted by Shephard @ 
Monday, September 20, 2010
Miscast
I was feeling all reflective this morning, with a bit of wistful hope for the future despite the gauntlet of press junkets about to hit us. And I'll be darned if it didn't just take one stupid, callous clumsy comment from someone to dash the mood against the rocks. How fragile. But I feel better now, after I found the silver lining.
Ignore the opinions of others.
I have always found this nearly impossible, despite understanding that I'd be happier if I could do it. It was a bit of a losing battle until I read and began to understand The Four Agreements. And what I came to realize from these helpful books is that we are all cast in each other's movies, playing the parts each other needs or wants us to play. And these parts we are cast in, just like the roles actors play, are sometimes far from who we are (like chameleon Meryl Streep)... and sometimes we are cast in roles that are very close to who we really are. The closer the friend or loved one, the more apt they are to cast us in roles that align with who we really are.
It's about them. It's about what they believe to be true. I am either cast to support their beliefs/reality, or I'm cast as a challenge to their beliefs/reality.
I think we cast the people who match the criteria of the role. For example, if I had mother issues, I might be attracted to casting strong and positive women (or the reverse if I'm not aware of my issues). We are all casting the movies of our lives. Why take other people's movies personally?
Miscast
Ever meet someone who talks fast, a bit hyper maybe, and they are enthusiastic and they look right into your eyes, and they share their thoughts and their stories... but when you share with them, they don't pay attention to the fact that you've started a story, cutting you off before you've barely begun it? Or they interrupt you as you're responding to them, because something you've just said sparked something they want to share? This is a good example of someone for whom you have been cast as a supporting role in their movie. They could be very engaging, positive and kind, and yet still do all the above. This example drives home the metaphor of being cast in someone else's movie. I certainly don't take their lack of attention span or lack of genuine interest personally. If only I could hang onto that feeling in other social situations and more challenging relationships, I'd be free!
I know my own buttons. I have a justice/fairness complex, for example. "Life may not be fair, but it is just." When someone does or says something rude or unfair, I rev up the Fire Engine of Justice and want to race to the rescue and put out the flames of thoughtlessness. When someone does or says something unkind, or shows a lack of compassion, I feel a compulsion to point it out, to squash the injustice. I'm older now. I don't act on all impulses. But you can well imagine how unpopular this was in my more reckless youth (not to say that there isn't a relapse once in a while).
So today, yet again, I let someone else's opinion push my buttons.
But when I drew the above card, the mood started to lift as I realized I gave my power to someone else's miscast idea of who I am. I am not the role they've cast me in. It's not about me. I don't have to take it personally.
I'm quite certain I will continue to have ample opportunities to practice til I get it right. Like the fourth agreement itself, I am always trying to do my best, whatever that best is at that given moment.
(and if you missed that topic: *Sliding Scale* )
~Shephard :)
Labels: Four Agreements, Of Mice and Mondays
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Standing up for Courage
My friend Marianna sent me this thought-provoking post card from the Holocaust Museum in D.C. and when I posted it on FB, another friend said it's based on a book for tweens/teens. I can't help but think how much value there is to mine here. A new weekly post. Because these words all have depth worth exploring.
These words are loaded words. I'm certainly not going to prattle on and preach their merit. I'm just going to explore what they mean to me.
COURAGE
... makes me think of the quote by Mary Anne Radmacher:
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'"
When you don't have the energy to hope and haven't found solutions, the one thing you do have is another chance tomorrow. It's like I always say, if I'm still breathing, I win. I've gone yet another day undefeated. "Just keep swimming!" (right, Wendy?)
Here's a song I've been playing a lot lately (coincidentally?); it reflects this so perfectly, sung by Melinda Schneider and Olivia Newton-John.
Every step is the same, whether in the sunshine or in the rain.
If you can hold on, even through the pain,
show up tomorrow, do it all again,
You'll have better luck...
You are, you are courageous, walk on, walk on
These are the times that can make us courageous and strong.
There's a bigger plan, that's what they say
But you still gotta make it through today.
Ya may be feelin' scared, wanna run away,
but if you choose to look fear in the face
You'll have better luck, you are courageous. . . Life is hard, that's how it goes,
You've come this far, you've got to know that ...
you are, you are courageous.
~Shephard :)
Labels: What Do You Stand For?
Monday, September 13, 2010
When Liza Minnelli is Not the Answer
I'm an optimist.
But if you catch me just right... I have my moments of doubt. Moments when I really could use a reminder from The Universe that people are basically good and capable of compassion, common sense and consideration.
My next door neighbors on my right are delightful people with smiles and friendly attitudes, and 4 very quiet, well-behaved kids. I liked the husband and wife the moment I met them. Because I liked them, I tend to generously forgive the fact that they park their FOUR CARS in their driveway beside and in front of our house because they are too lazy to open their GATE and park in their garage. It makes it very difficult for us to have any place for our own visitors to park. But, like I said, lovely people. It has not been a problem. And I suspect that if I were to tell them we were having a get together, they'd relinquish hold of our frontage for the event. No harm done. And all is well.
If I were not an optimist, I might think that because I responded with such generosity of spirit and good will to this, The Universe found the whole thing a missed opportunity to test me, and needed to replace it with the following.
The house on the other side of me is deserted.
The people who sold us our house told us that someone will move into it in December. A sign went up today. They are adding 700 sq. feet plus a spa and pool. From Google Earth, I can see the unlikelihood of them building outward, making an upward expansion the most likely. Which means a clear-shot view of our backyard and pool. No more privacy.
Never mind that they are going to RUIN a mid-century home by adding a second level. Never mind that they hacked down ALL of the mature greenery that lined our common wall so they can now see into our master bath (time for fro$ted window$). Never mind the extreme inconvenience of major noise and construction on a cul-de-sac for 2+months. It now becomes an issue of our property value and privacy. Is this a test?!?
So, now I have to figure out how we block their view and retain our privacy.
What I'd Like to Do:
We could put a sailboat on top of our house, blocking their view.
A giant canvas photo of Liza Minnelli staring back at them suspended between two poles.
A wall of decorative chimneys complete with Bert & Mary wooden cut-outs.
A giant stainless steel sheet that reflects piercingly direct sunlight right into their windows.
A hideous modern art sculpture with remotely suggestive overtones.
A clothes-line with 20 giant vibrantly-colored granny panties in permanent residence.
A wooden replica of the Hollywood sign --mispelled "Hollywodd"
More Mature Solutions:
A line of fast-growing Bamboo.
(or a variety of tall, sturdy, fast-growing, less-invasive trees)
I wouldn't mind so much... except that we JUST moved in. We just got settled. And we've had a steady hemorrhage of money from the getgo. One more large expense we didn't expect.
I worry about bamboo being invasive, and its roots damaging the block wall or worse, our foundation. I have to do research.
But, for now, I feel relatively sure that I will likely pass another test of my patience with humanity, and continue to undure people with no taste or sense of fairness and come out just fine on the other side. As I always have. I trust the process. There's a highest good in here waiting for me to notice it. And I get brownie points for more patience, right?
~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays
Monday, September 06, 2010
Punishment from the Sky
I had a fun conversation with my friend Ellen about choices, and it made me think. We're all comforted by knowing the why's in our lives. And sometimes, beliefs are more about comfort than fact.
Mercury Retrograde, for example.
It's gained popularity in recent years. It's an astronomical term for the optical illusion of planetary orbit: to us, it looks like Mercury occasionally goes backwards because of it rounding its orbit of the sun. Astrologically, Mercury Retrograde is said to uncover things we are not aware of: clerical errors, malfunctioning things, miscommunications and misunderstandings.
It's gained popularity in recent years. It's an astronomical term for the optical illusion of planetary orbit: to us, it looks like Mercury occasionally goes backwards because of it rounding its orbit of the sun. Astrologically, Mercury Retrograde is said to uncover things we are not aware of: clerical errors, malfunctioning things, miscommunications and misunderstandings.
I just don't buy into it. Astrology is based on the influence of planets as they travel, not the OPTICAL illusion of our perspective. I know Mercury does reverse its course through the zodiac when retrograde, but until someone can prove that MORE things go wrong when Mercury is retrograde than when it is not retrograde, I won't be giving away my power to this.
We want a place to point, and say, "This is why, here's the answer, I feel relieved in knowing why." Or even, "We're all in this together, experiencing the effects caused by x. I don't feel so alone or singled out." But how happy are we being a victim of an outside force we can't control?
Highest Good
To me, the notion that "x" is happening to me because it's for my Highest Good is much more comforting than "x" is happening because Mercury is retrograde. It makes me search for meaning and value. My mind lets go of blame so it can focus on finding the usefulness of the experience... or if particularly unpleasant, I am at least free to make choices. Highest Good also makes me think of forward movement. Progress. Evolving toward being a more balanced person through life's trials and tribulations. Sometimes my Highest Good is married to someone else's, sometimes, it's mostly my lesson to learn. I try not to give in to the old-world religious notion that there are these forces out there that are about punishment... whether it's karma, Mercury retrograde or God.
Karma is a comforting idea to me: for every action there is an equal reaction. It's not about punishment, but the result of choices that were made. The idea goes: make good, compassionate choices and find the value in the difficult things that are part of everyone's life, and the boomerang coming back at you will be more pleasant. If I don't understand the relevance of something now, I'll probably understand it soon enough. If I search for meaning, I find it.
Karma is a comforting idea to me: for every action there is an equal reaction. It's not about punishment, but the result of choices that were made. The idea goes: make good, compassionate choices and find the value in the difficult things that are part of everyone's life, and the boomerang coming back at you will be more pleasant. If I don't understand the relevance of something now, I'll probably understand it soon enough. If I search for meaning, I find it.
We are all in this together. We each have things sneak up on us. Misunderstandings, miscommunications and mishaps happen all year long, no more or less likely, whether Mercury is or isn't retrograde. Tough as it is to undergo things unknown and unplanned and unpleasant, especially when they pile up, I think I am personally much happier if I choose to look for the Highest Good ... rather than the source of punishment. If I have a choice ... I think I'll choose the belief that makes me feel supported rather than the one that makes me feel like a victim.
And everyone else is perfectly supported in whichever of those choices they are more comfortable with. Free will to choose.
Some cycles in life are harder than others. Hopefully, when I'm stuck, lost, overwhelmed or down, Life or those I love will continue to help me find my way back to seeking understanding rather than commiserating as a victim.
But I just don't believe in punishment from the sky... Mercury Retrograde is just old-world organized religion in disguise. No thanks, and please pass the Highest Good.
But I just don't believe in punishment from the sky... Mercury Retrograde is just old-world organized religion in disguise. No thanks, and please pass the Highest Good.
~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays