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Monday, June 27, 2011
No Matter the Soil
Our 10-day whirlwind vacation to see 2 sets of relatives and The Great White Way turned out to be a real roller-coaster. And ... it has me thinking (quelle surprise).
Trying to think... can I talk about this?
I can't mention some details, but there are so many signs pointing my mind to its final conclusion.
I'll just say... 2 sets of unrelated relatives dealing with the same complications that arrise from loved ones getting older and dying/being close to dying. . . and one of the plays we saw on Broadway was about dying. And we recently experienced the death of a major relationship as well.
And then we lost little Golly while we were away.
His kidneys failed him. 9 years old. I share this not to pan for sympathy, because I don't need to .. that little guy was very popular, and the outpouring of sympathy was heartfelt and comforting. I have to laugh at how much that sweet little face captured people who were never lucky enough to actually meet him. The hole left by one little cat is enormous. We've loved each of our furry little ones to pieces, but Golly's passing knocked us for a loop.... too young. There is no making sense of it. His little body lasted 9 years, and we made the most of those 9 years.
We got in an airplane, and our lives were whole and balanced. We had two kitties we loved, and who loved us; it was our little family. And now, we can't seem to put it back together so easily. Our other kitty, Oboe, he's shaken. He hasn't left my side. He's sleeping between my keyboard and screen as I type this. This is the same little yellow guy who never missed a beat during all our many press junkets this last year. His little paw reaches out and grabs my thumb as I type.
You can't tell me he isn't affected, that cats don't feel loss. But that's another topic.
And before we even left... I unknowingly downloaded a novel to read on the plane, called "The Man Who Folded Himself"... which was ultimately about how much influence we have on Time. The way we choose to respond to change... what we can and can't change from now til our death. I am surrounded by what I'm supposed to be learning...and yet I feel like I haven't quite grasped it all.
Loss. It's fear of not being able to feel whole again.
Our lives were full. Our lives are now missing a piece.
I helped B feel better by reminding him and myself.... our lives are the same, we are just weathering a parade of events that are passing us by. But our lives are the same lives.
We just want to feel whole and balanced again. Time is precious. We can't waste it on being devastated by loss. We feel the feelings, embrace the loss, but don't stall out and dig in our heels. . . because that won't return anything to before. "We have to make it count. Make a parade of every moment."
Today is about birth. I looked up some cat breeders, contacted them, and we've started thinking of names. Some little guy out there needs a loving home. And some little guy here at home needs a playmate and sleepmate. We're riding the crest of the waves of what life has brought us...instead of waiting for the waves to die down. We may feel parched, but we will bloom no matter the soil.
~Shephard
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays
posted by Shephard @ 