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Monday, December 26, 2011
Red Lights
He states 5 tools for focus.
1. Give people the
benefit of the doubt.
2. Don't take things personally.
3. Look for the good.
4. Seek first to understand.
5. Be gentle with others (and especially with yourself).
Give people the benefit of the doubt.
I try to do this, because we never really know if someone is having a bad day,
if someone has gotten some bad news, if someone is distracted, or is just
tired/in a fog. We all have those. But when you're also having an off day, that's when it can become really challenging.
I find myself getting easily annoyed with (ie...) entire families with strollers walking four a breast, blocking the way for everyone behind them. You want to give them the benefit of the doubt. When giving them the benefit of the doubt isn't quite enough to erase my annoyance, I then go to my old standby: I should always expect people with strollers to be who they are, not who I want them to be. People with strollers are going to take up more room than everyone else. I can rail against them for the rest my life, or I can just accept that they take up more room and go much more slowly, and are distracted by their children, and not thinking of anyone else around them. On a good day, I can remember this.
I find myself getting easily annoyed with (ie...) entire families with strollers walking four a breast, blocking the way for everyone behind them. You want to give them the benefit of the doubt. When giving them the benefit of the doubt isn't quite enough to erase my annoyance, I then go to my old standby: I should always expect people with strollers to be who they are, not who I want them to be. People with strollers are going to take up more room than everyone else. I can rail against them for the rest my life, or I can just accept that they take up more room and go much more slowly, and are distracted by their children, and not thinking of anyone else around them. On a good day, I can remember this.
Don't take things personally.
This one is right from The Four Agreements.
People are
perceiving you the way they want to perceive you, regardless of how you truly
are. You can influence this, but they project onto you what they need you to be, the role they want you to play in "their movie." Sometimes, it's a close-to-accurate projection. Sometimes not even in the ballpark. If I can remember that everyone else is writing their movie, it makes it a bit easier to realize they are focused more on their movie than on who I really am. AND: I can't control how accurate their projection is 100% of the time. I just have to continue being "me" regardless of accuracy. When I think about it this way, it seems silly to expend so much energy because someone else isn't casting me the way I think I should be cast.
Look for the good.
We give power to whatever we are focusing on. For example. I think I want a brand new red car. So then I start actually noticing all the other red cars out on the road. They were always there, but now I'm looking for them. Same goes for problems, prejudices, biases, and beliefs. So, I'm careful about what I focus on. Another good reason NOT to watch The News, INMO.
Example, a friend shared with me a worrying video about how many people run red lights. But... I am policing what I focus on, so I didn't even watch it even tho I knew it would be entertaining. I reminded myself that every single hour of every single day, there are hundreds of millions ( ! ) of red lights that are NOT RUN. What am I going to focus on? Give power to the helpless fear of that miniscule fraction of red lights that are run? When it comes to keeping my mind clean, even trivial stuff matters because it shapes what I believe in! What am I watching? Am I poluting my mind? Because it will affect what I believe about the world.
Seek first to understand.
Make the other person feel understood or at least heard. Best tools for difusing most disagreements or difficult situations. But in this context especially, the more I try to understand someone else, the less I have engaged my own fears and defensive mechanisms. Even when that person is pushing my buttons, if I try to understand why they're behaving that way, this focus will keep my choices/actions more balanced and the situation less unpleasant.
Be gentle with others.
Everyone is doing the best they currently know how to do.
This is just restating "Give them the benefit of the doubt." I don't think this means that we allow others to be stupid and thoughtless. It just refers to how we go about the resolve.
I generally believe that if someone sees the far-reaching consequences of their actions, they change their inconsiderate behavior or poor choices. But apathy, poor parenting, environment and poverty are not good teachers, and do not encourage people to care or pay attention to how their choices affect others. And since I cannot change that, all I can do is control MY reaction. Be a better example, and try to keep my anger, annoyance and impatience in check. Being gentle can generally keep the panicked party from escalating their need to be right or validated. (DO I WANT TO BE RIGHT... or DO I WANT TO BE HAPPY?).
Difficult people are not going to go away. They'll always be there. I can't control that. Like my friend Wendy and I say... these people... are our Practice People. If we're annoyed, that generally means we need the practice.
Thanks to my friend Marianna for sharing the article. :)
posted by Shephard @ 