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Monday, March 28, 2011
It Isn't 2005 Anymore
In 2005....
We'd been in CA a year, B had begun to rebuild his career from the ground up after 15 years with the company. We bought a house, had hardly any friends, I started a blog, and I was 50lbs heavier. President Bush started a 2nd term and it felt like a black cloud to me. I was an unpublished author, and Gay people couldn't get married.
In 2011....
We have a new home that suits us much better, B has directed 2 movies (astounding), we have tons of wonderful friends, after losing 50lbs over a year I gained 20lbs back because of a fractured toe that took a year to heal, my blog is 6 years old, and I am now a published author. The USA has it's 1st African American president ridding us of the the black cloud of the Bush administration. B & I were able to get married in a narrow 4 month window of opportunity, still considered legal today. 5 states and D.C. legalized gay marriage, and New Jersey, New Hampshire and Hawaii now allow civil unions. We have major gay characters on Network TV and gay actors playing both gay and straight roles on TV.
My brain still thinks it's 2005.
Back in 2005, after submitting my novel, I was told by several literary agents that no one wanted to read novels with a gay person as the central character. And I gave up. I allowed it to crush my literary creativity. I put my novel aside, already completed and edited by a professional editor, and began to learn how to write short stories (an easier way to get your foot in the door). All the while, starting new novels that I felt were more mainstream, and abandoning each one when I just couldn't muster the interest.
Last year, I got a short story published in a literary anthology that is now a nominated finalist in Foreword Magazine's book of the year awards. In 2011, I see how much the world has changed. I really believe there must be agents and publishers in this climate who realize that gay people read more than bitchy humor, self-help and p*rn. But it has taken me the last year to wrestle whatever psychological block these early experiences reinforced.
I've found a writing buddy. :)
Two weeks ago, she and I began using each other as pseudo-editors and sounding boards on our novels. The perspective is invaluable. I'm shoring up my novel to submit again, now that I have a little bit of a foot in the door. I wish I had the chutzpuh of a 20 year old, enough of that plucky, naive ambition to carry me undaunted through the inevitable rejections til I find the right agent/publisher. But it's more likely going to take sheer determination ...and weathering the rejections and moving forward anyway. It isn't 2005 anymore. There are readers out there waiting for more quality reading material.
Life marches on! We love our house.
We have begun furnishing it with Mid-Century modern findings, and I think we've finally recuperated from all those press junkets. We have time to see theatre again! B got a bonus for his hard work, and we've been finding creative ways to say thank you to the friends who helped us get through the last year. We're having a deck finished, putting in solar heating for the house and the pool (never thought I'd own a pool), and doing reparis on the things that the previous owners neglected. And I have a writing buddy who helps me focus for the future.My conclusion: As usual, I'll get by with a little help from my friends. And I'll remind myself everyday, it's a different world than it was in 2005. A much different world in so many ways.
What's my novel about, you ask? (edit) We find an unexpected and reluctant hero in a florist whose life is interrupted by tragedy, forcing him to embrace a new world where he gets mixed up in the conflicts between 3 races and becomes the key to saving the world... which may lose him the man he loves and any hope of a quiet, normal life. Title: The Boy with Something Extra.
More photo posts coming,
~Shephard
posted by Shephard @ 
Monday, March 14, 2011
Feed The Good Wolf
B and I have been talking a lot lately about things we feed on or the things that feed on us. And I have been unknowingly allowing the past to masquerade as the present.
Brain Stuck.
I know I think roughly 60% of the same thoughts today that I thought yesterday. The brain is a programmed creature of habit. I used to be kinda glib or blithe about how easy it is to turn over a new leaf, effectively change courses in mid-stream in my life, but after the last 4 years of uninterrupted chaos and struggle for control with The Mouse, my mind is now stuck. I need to figure out how to get unstuck.
We're out of the woods.
These 4 years were not normal.
B had to fix 2 broken films, and he made each movie in half the time they are supposed to be made. BUT... it's all we know, because B has never experienced the directing process any other way. So now, here we are, somewhat freer and way less pressurized, but my brain just won't let go of what has been normal and unrelenting the last 4 years. I keep telling myself, it's over.
It doesn't help that, unlike all the other directors who get time to recuperate after their projects, for the second time, B is not really being given a break. He's working on a short feature, mentoring another short, doing character designs for the next Mouse film, developing and researching his own next film with his directing partner, and attending way too many manditory meetings that don't allow him a moment's break. So this all feels the same to me. Especially when he had to rush off this morning to do more Press for Blondie's DVD release.
(ironically, my brain feels this way too)
The shorts will finish, he's done helping with character stuff, the annoying meetings will continue, but mostly, they will start to give him a breather. But... how do I convince my brain of this? After four years? I KNOW THE WORST IS OVER NEVER TO RETURN, but my brain is stuck. Every late night or rushed morning reinforces this and panicks my brain all over again. But I know better.
It has made me realize that sometimes --like post traumatic syndrome, post pardem or post-holiday blues-- the brain will just have to catch up to reality. Reality is separate from our brain's perceptions. We are its custodian, so if we want to get unstuck, we have to be proactive:
And after this, I hope I'm never quite so glib about how easy it is for any of us to "change" again. Sometimes, it's just hard to believe in change when every step has been the same for so long.
I'm so glad I figured this out. Sometimes, there are really valid and good reasons for being stuck. But it's time to feed the Good Wolf.
~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Melbourne... What a City!
(post 1 of 2)
A friend of ours lived in Melbourne for a year or more,
and raved about it. Now I see why.
What an easy, artsy, colorful, fun city.
Our 1st stop... The Park Hyatt.
It was chi-chi and ritzy, and the rooms were very nice.
With the help of Mr. Z, we crashed their employee Xmas party.
It was fun, and strange.
We were really just trying to kill time
til the GG's were announced at 12:30am
(which was 5:30am the PREVIOUS day in LA).
The bar was a ghost town. Don't know why. It was beautiful!
View from Mr. Z's hotel room balcony.
(I bet you can guess who Mr. Z is, if you think about WHY we were in Oz)
1st day... shopping and a bit of site-seeing.
Zoom in. Wow.
I love this photo I took as I was crossing a street.
And the title of the hamburger restaurant ain't bad either.
Who's that handsome man next to the giant green penguin?
Not an optical illusion.. it's really that big! (xmas decor)
We had sunny days and cloudy days with drizzle.
I marveled at the view from our next hotel, The Langham.
A classy old broad of a hotel.
...that spilled into a mall, fronted by a riverwalk full or restaurants. Charming.
I wish I could share why we had to switch hotels. It was kinda funny (and stressful),
and the bi-product of the entourage we were part of.
The Langham was lovely After the press junket, B & I were to begin
our REAL vacation from The Langham.
This hotel has the friendliest, funniest concierge I've ever met.
Melbourne is filled with great art and architecture, great food and things to explore.
And they love to wear black ala Paris or NYC (which I kinda liked).
And they love their tea, apparently.
I loved this shop that gave free flavored ice tea samples ...
but didn't allow photos!
The Playboy of Tram Street
Didn't buy this from the Visitor's Center.
(but I did buy something.... which I'll show you in a future post)
Hand-painted "wellies" that were so expensive my mouth dried up.
A church near Flinders (train) Station.
... they let me take photos! St. Andrew's Cathedral. :)
Amazing floor!
Should we take the train, the tram or a horse-n-buggy?
Flinders Station (the above photo and the 2 below!)
Melbourne has a FREE tram as well, which circles an 8 block rectangle.
It was so easy to get around this city.
Another photo of Melbourne from our hotel room.
On the left side: Flinder and St. Andrews.
We ate at a fancy-schmanntzy restaurant one night,
belonging to a well-known chef.
Walking Melbourne at night...
as spooky as the above photo is, I've never felt more safe in a city at night.
People of EVERY age were out walking and celebrating Christmas.
...and we took in a musical, just for fun (and it was!).
View from our hotel room at The lovely Langham.
Our stay in Melbourne was far too brief.
Yet I have another post full of pictures of her
ready to go once I see that enough people haven't missed this one.
More photos soon!
~Shephard :)
Labels: Australia
Monday, March 07, 2011
Skunking Up the Place
I've been a bit silent.
I visited me in the future, and I thought once the golden locks were snipped, the weight of it would drop and we'd be heads above the fog... but it's still a bit foggy.
I've never felt broken before... like there was no way to fix the feeling of "something's just not right." I know the answer is to embrace the bad with the good, and let go of what's holding me back, which is essentially my reluctance to move forward. It's easy to worry about things going wrong when things go so right. In our four year, uninterrupted journey with the puppy and the blond, I've forgotten what it feels like to take the reigns. We both have.
We have a nightly visitor. She waddles across our patio on her way to skunky adventures. We watch her from the comfort of our couch, and laugh. Skunks are so cute. We named her "SmEllen." What if she has babies like the above? That brings a smile to my heart. But those of you who know me, know where my mind goes next:
I did that post so long ago, read if you like. It resonates so strongly. B and I re-read it last night, and I began to think about my magnets - those beliefs that draw to me my experiences and exchanges. I need a tune-up badly. I thought a vacation in Hawaii, far away, to just relax, would be a good tune-up. But I'd just return to all of the above. You can't run from yourself. No amount of time off would change the internal.
"Skunk" advises (see link to post) thinking about spraying in the direction of the things you want to repel. And focusing on what you want to magnetize. People, thoughts, beliefs. What have I absorbed that is not really mine in the last couple years? I don't know what the new magnets need to be right now, but I know that I have neglected taking the wheel and that's the first step. While I haven't been untrue to myself or who I am at all... I have been too passive.
I need to do some serious Spring Cleaning of the mind.
And get rid of what's holding me back... The Past.
Two quotes come to mind:
"Almost everybody walks around with a vast burden of imaginary limitations inside his head. While the burden remains, success is as difficult to achieve as the conquest of Mount Everest with a sack of rocks tied to to your back."
- J.H. Brennan, Irish Authorand....
"What if we just acted like everything was easy?"
- Mary Anne Radmacher
More photo posts soon,
~Shephard
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays