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Monday, September 12, 2011
Teetering
Willy Wonka: And Charlie: don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he'd ever wished for.
Charlie Bucket: What happened?
Willy Wonka: He lived happily ever after.
But I bet he still had to work at it!
I think being tired is the number one enemy of all happiness and acheivement. The kind of tired that breeds apathy, that drains drive. The kind that kills belief.
Look at young people. So driven, so unspoiled in the way of experience. They don't have enough defeat to have their edge worn away. I began thinking about that... and ... it's not a physical thing most of the time. It's totally attitude. Attitude is just a way of saying what we choose to believe.
There's a reason people say belief is everything. Belief, or faith (really strong belief) keeps us motivated and moving forward. For years, I let my attitude stop me from trying. It killed my drive to try. My own choice of attitude. Choice. What I chose to believe... killed my own momentum and drive. But then I woke up.
Even tho I know all this... I still linger on the borderline between giving up and believing some days. Teetering. I'm convinced now that it's just because I'm tired. It takes a lot of energy to believe. It takes no energy to be negative and cynical. Some days I have plenty of energy to believe. But lately, I'm just tired. I took a small break from believing. I ate things I shouldn't eat, stopped walking as much (because of my fractured toe), and in general, gave up for a little while, and used my energy to make it from January to September. I did it. I'm here. Oh, but now I have to get momentum going again.
Funny thing is... I always did believe. And I got a short story published, after all. I believe that there's an audience for my writing out there. But it's not going to come to my door. I need to get moving and apply myself. If only I weren't so tired. If only the doorbell wouldn't ring 3 times a day (not kidding). If only it was a different world and a different situation and a different reality. Aha. Sily me. I know better. Time to embrace what is.
I'm a firm believer...in embracing the reality of what truly is... instead of chasing what you wish it was.
I live in a world where publishers would rather I be JK Rowling and supply them with page-turning heterosexual young-adult novels. I live in a world where other people are finding ways around this limitation EVERY day. I live in a world where some people choose to make life an exhausting race against time... while others choose to accept the days that come, going with the flow, working with the system. I live in a world where I can choose.
I choose to rest. And then I will choose to get my butt in gear.
Carpe (that) Diem. Soon. The 4th of the Four Agreements: Always do your best (and that will change from day to day).
Today it's okay to be tired. I'm hoping tomorrow, between meetings and doorbells, I will find a moment of energy to move forward.
~Shephard :)
posted by Shephard @ 
Monday, September 05, 2011
The Acceptable Assumption
Exhaustion is actually a very frustrating but valuable friend to me.
Or so I found out.
I have a tendency to jump right in and organize (control). This came in SOOOO handy when it came to our massive yard renovation. Little did I know that things would get so out of control, and the exhaustion would take over the reigns, giving me... space... and peace.
Such a hard one of the Four Agreements sometimes.
Don't Make Assumptions. I have to be perfectly honest and say that had I not made assumptions about things that were and were NOT happening to get our yard completed, things simply would have fallen apart, gone wrong or would have to be fixed or redone (that happened anyway).
But I drew this card above... DISCERN the truth. Discern. Seems like discerning the truth and making assumptions can share a grey area. If you're perfectly balanced and not emotionally sucked into what's happening, it's likely very easy to decide if you are discerning or assuming. But in the chaos of our yard with electricians, plumbers, gas-people, lock smiths, carpenters, engineers, welders, landscapers and steel fabricators in the mix... well, let's just say after a few months, my knee-jerk reaction from experience became making assumptions. Often I was right. Once in a while, not so much.
What I learned... is that... making assumptions is going to happen. It's even necessary, in my opinion I know that flies in the face of The Four Agreements, but I think it's just word semantics that make it seem that way. DISCRENMENT of the situation and facts. Or even... discerning whether the assumptions are clouded by emotional assumptions. That would have helped me even that much more.
Eventually, I became so exhausted that I just "let go" a bit. And when mistakes happened, I jumped on them to resolve. But letting go helped me be more peaceful. Exhaustion can extinguish drama as well. The less assumptions I made, the more peaceful I was. Though it didn't always prevent scenarios that might have been avoided if I'd made the assumptions. I mean let's face it, after someone disappoints you 3 times in a row, you're going to assume they'll do it again. And I was right, mostly. The emotional attachment to it is hard to avoid. So sometimes I assumed incorrectly. The less balanced I am, the more likely I am to assume incorrectly.
Discernment. How emotionally upset or fired up am I? That's often an indicator as to how accurate my discernment (assumption) is.
I hope I can remember this the next time. Discernments are just balanced assumptions. These kinds of assumptions are to be utilized ever so sparingly, by double-checking my emotional attachement and judgement of the person/situation.
~Shephard :)