![[title of show]](http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b285/ShephardSummers/titleofshowsm.jpg)
Monday, December 26, 2011
Red Lights
He states 5 tools for focus.
1. Give people the
benefit of the doubt.
2. Don't take things personally.
3. Look for the good.
4. Seek first to understand.
5. Be gentle with others (and especially with yourself).
Give people the benefit of the doubt.
I try to do this, because we never really know if someone is having a bad day,
if someone has gotten some bad news, if someone is distracted, or is just
tired/in a fog. We all have those. But when you're also having an off day, that's when it can become really challenging.
I find myself getting easily annoyed with (ie...) entire families with strollers walking four a breast, blocking the way for everyone behind them. You want to give them the benefit of the doubt. When giving them the benefit of the doubt isn't quite enough to erase my annoyance, I then go to my old standby: I should always expect people with strollers to be who they are, not who I want them to be. People with strollers are going to take up more room than everyone else. I can rail against them for the rest my life, or I can just accept that they take up more room and go much more slowly, and are distracted by their children, and not thinking of anyone else around them. On a good day, I can remember this.
I find myself getting easily annoyed with (ie...) entire families with strollers walking four a breast, blocking the way for everyone behind them. You want to give them the benefit of the doubt. When giving them the benefit of the doubt isn't quite enough to erase my annoyance, I then go to my old standby: I should always expect people with strollers to be who they are, not who I want them to be. People with strollers are going to take up more room than everyone else. I can rail against them for the rest my life, or I can just accept that they take up more room and go much more slowly, and are distracted by their children, and not thinking of anyone else around them. On a good day, I can remember this.
Don't take things personally.
This one is right from The Four Agreements.
People are
perceiving you the way they want to perceive you, regardless of how you truly
are. You can influence this, but they project onto you what they need you to be, the role they want you to play in "their movie." Sometimes, it's a close-to-accurate projection. Sometimes not even in the ballpark. If I can remember that everyone else is writing their movie, it makes it a bit easier to realize they are focused more on their movie than on who I really am. AND: I can't control how accurate their projection is 100% of the time. I just have to continue being "me" regardless of accuracy. When I think about it this way, it seems silly to expend so much energy because someone else isn't casting me the way I think I should be cast.
Look for the good.
We give power to whatever we are focusing on. For example. I think I want a brand new red car. So then I start actually noticing all the other red cars out on the road. They were always there, but now I'm looking for them. Same goes for problems, prejudices, biases, and beliefs. So, I'm careful about what I focus on. Another good reason NOT to watch The News, INMO.
Example, a friend shared with me a worrying video about how many people run red lights. But... I am policing what I focus on, so I didn't even watch it even tho I knew it would be entertaining. I reminded myself that every single hour of every single day, there are hundreds of millions ( ! ) of red lights that are NOT RUN. What am I going to focus on? Give power to the helpless fear of that miniscule fraction of red lights that are run? When it comes to keeping my mind clean, even trivial stuff matters because it shapes what I believe in! What am I watching? Am I poluting my mind? Because it will affect what I believe about the world.
Seek first to understand.
Make the other person feel understood or at least heard. Best tools for difusing most disagreements or difficult situations. But in this context especially, the more I try to understand someone else, the less I have engaged my own fears and defensive mechanisms. Even when that person is pushing my buttons, if I try to understand why they're behaving that way, this focus will keep my choices/actions more balanced and the situation less unpleasant.
Be gentle with others.
Everyone is doing the best they currently know how to do.
This is just restating "Give them the benefit of the doubt." I don't think this means that we allow others to be stupid and thoughtless. It just refers to how we go about the resolve.
I generally believe that if someone sees the far-reaching consequences of their actions, they change their inconsiderate behavior or poor choices. But apathy, poor parenting, environment and poverty are not good teachers, and do not encourage people to care or pay attention to how their choices affect others. And since I cannot change that, all I can do is control MY reaction. Be a better example, and try to keep my anger, annoyance and impatience in check. Being gentle can generally keep the panicked party from escalating their need to be right or validated. (DO I WANT TO BE RIGHT... or DO I WANT TO BE HAPPY?).
Difficult people are not going to go away. They'll always be there. I can't control that. Like my friend Wendy and I say... these people... are our Practice People. If we're annoyed, that generally means we need the practice.
Thanks to my friend Marianna for sharing the article. :)
posted by Shephard @ 
Monday, December 19, 2011
Living Statues
For a while now, I've been thinking about what happens as people reach points in their lives, namely, the point at which we solidify.
I don't mean that wonderful point in our 30's where we get this sense of who we are and want to be; no, I mean the points where people harden their habits and patterns into curious choices or deep-grooved beliefs.
I have watched my 82 year old mom go from this person to whom I had long conversations and deep talks ...to a person who has narrowed her world, confined herself into a little box, and the sense of sharing has all but dried up. Oddly enough, she reads a lot now, 3 books a week, which should broaden her world. But it's had the opposite effect. She always told me she didn't read cuz reading puts her to sleep. Then her favorite waitress got her to read Twilight, and ever since, she's read 3 romance novels a week. We stopped counting at 120.
Nothing wrong with that. I love that it opens up my mom's mind, but her days are closed to the outside. There have been a couple strange choices and instances with her, and she's simply become a different person. And it has nothing to do with senility or dementia. It's her choice. But...it feels like I've lost my mom. It's been going on about 2 years now, so I'm beyond the grieving process for what is lost, and I just embrace who she is and support what makes her happy. But I can't help but think that the mom I knew is no longer inside there.
It's not about age. A close friend of mine has changed dramatically over the last 7 years, choosing affectations and an odd projected bitterness, a strange balance of intelligent disappoval. I find it very hard to relate anymore, even tho I love my friend. I hear what is said, and it doesn't sound like my friend anymore. Life has hardened my friend, and my friend has chosen beliefs and behaviors that are comfortable for them. And I don't begrudge any of that to my friend that I care about. But I can't be honest with them, so I stand back and I watch this friend close themselves off.
It's a bit scary to me. I find myself thinking...
is this automatically what happens as people grow older -or- get tired of the juggling act with friends, family, society and all the rules and social expectations?
Is this the way people screen out the things they are just too tired to deal with anymore?
It's an artificially constructed, contained life - a force field protecting them against disapppoints, hard knocks, impossible expectations and the ever-changing-never-stopping world around them.
I think people just get tired of letting change into their interior life. Who can blame anyone, especially my mom who has survived 3 husbands, the loss of 2 children and old-age?
Obviously, that situation is the extreme and understandable, thus my embracing my mom's choice. But what amazes me is how vital people in their 30's and 40's solidify defensively.
I've learned some hard facts. Life may hand us the raw stone, but we are the sculptors. And I no longer let anyone try to convince me otherwise.
Another friend insists they are trying and that the world is limited. For so long I believed them until recently. I got a sneak peak through the cracks of their protected windows recently, and suddenly I understood it all. I have stopped worrying about that friend.
(photo taken last year at Versailles)
And then there's myself... believing for so long about the world of publishing avoiding gay subjects and characters like the plague... meanwhile, time marched on, and left me and my response to this back at the starting gate. Now I'm catching up. Tearing down that construct. I don't want to be a Living Statue.
So I don't feel the need to judge anyone for their choices. It's about comfort. It's about a feeling of safety in our little worlds. I want this, and if you're someone I care about, I want this for you. I just may not be able to participate in your creation.
This quote has always been near and dear to me, because it taught me that I set not only good boundaries, but also limitations.
I see people making choices and needing to believe that these choices are necessarily and defendable.
I get it. I know why people solidify and fortify. And I support anyone's right and entitlement to create a life that makes them comfortable against all that is hurled at them. I just may not be able to participate in everyone's Living Statue.
(real statue, one of my faves; I took this photo in The Louvre, Paris)
I think what's scary to me too, is that I see how easily it can happen. If I were to lose B, I can only image the lengths I could go to in order to keep my life glued together in some semblance of hope and sanity. But again, that's the extreme isn't it. And this post really isn't about the extremes. It's about the choices we make.
(I love this statue at L'Opera Paris, taken last year)
I can only hope that if I ever become a Living Statue, it's an outrageously fun one, or one that has some grace and joy and levity. My friend Wendy and I made a promise to each other that we would always be honest with each other, and if either of us ever starts solidifying, the other will sound the alarm. I can't think of a better gift from a dear friend.
~Shephard :)
Sunday, December 18, 2011
The Year of Aqua & Orange
Christmas comes to our Midcentury home....
With a Midcentury home, I could have gone a couple directions, but I always knew I wanted to go with aqua and tangerine.
Unfortunately, the retail world did not agree with me, and I wasn't able to find but one set of tangerine ornaments (thank you CB2).
The tree is actually aluminum. Real aluminum. We found it more than a year ago at a consignment store in Palm Springs. Knowing we'd be gone the entire 2010 holiday in Australia, I still could not pass it by.
It stayed in that box waiting for this year.
Love it.
But it didn't look complete til we wrapped boxes and put underneath. Of course, I couldn't find tangerine wrapping either. So, my vision remains temporarily unrealized.
The house is very simply decorated. Honestly, I wanted more silver. But, with a new spaz kitten, it wasn't realistic.
But it's festive and the aqua color makes me smile.
(zoom in)
A good friend told me these beveled ornaments were all the rage in the 60's. So it's quite appropriate for the tree and our 1955 home.
I love the new Mercury Glass this year... 1/3 the weight!
(did I mention you should zoom in on some of these? No really... the colors and sparkles have to be appreciated upclose)
Shameless plug for Crate & Barrel (they own CB2, of course)... we found a set of silver cocktail themed ornaments... shakers, wine bottles, marg glasses, wine glasses, etc.
Orange flocked ornament from CB2. Hopefully next year, I'll find beaded tangerines or shiny glossy orange ornaments to complete the look.
Tree skirt with oversize aqua sequins (thank you Target).
So far, Chloe is being pretty good. Nothing damaged or broken (yet). She loved the tree skirt (before we covered in presents).
Of course that doesn't stop Oboe. He's such a good boy. No interest in the tree. Just the warm lights and a cozy place to sleep.
Every year I give the tree a spin for these pretty action shots.
(Okay, it's actually the camera that spins)
(zoom!)
Another spin... I like how you can see the tree trunk at the center.
Vintage shot.
Mercuty Glass.
Reflective shot from outside the glass slider, looking into the house. :)
See the little blue canister in the center? That's the only present under the tree that's really a present. lol The rest are cosmetic cat perches. :)
We count our blessings from a year full of rollercoaster major ups and major downs.
And we're still breathing and still here, so we win.
So much to be grateful for.
I hope every one of you reading this has a warm, restful, yummy and peaceful holiday surrounded by the ones you love. That's what matters.
Merry Christmas,
~Shephard :)