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Monday, January 30, 2012
The Nine Rings of Relationship
A friend posted a focusing guideline to relationships on her FB page - almost like a healthy resolutions list. I didn't even get 2 bullet points into it before I knew I wanted to blog about it. They had me at "Family isn't always blood."
The first item on the list:
1. Free Yourself From Negative People.
What if you work with them? Or they are family?
If you can't give them the ole heave ho, prioritizing is almost as good.
The people in your life help define your life.
It's so important to think about how much energy we give and to whom we give it. I have an inner dartboard. At one point, I thought I needed a baseball field that players rotated through, but then I realized that was too vague. A dartboard of concentric circles feels very clear to me. I will call it my:
Nine Rings of Relationship
1. The inner circle is me.
2. The next ring is B, my husband (spouse or significant other).
3. The next ring is dear friends who are kindred spirits. The kind I can say anything to. The kind who value honesty and don't place limitations on our relationship. --If you have dear family members, they would be here also (and aren't YOU lucky if you do).
4. The 4th ring is a ring of trust. Trustworthy friends. It's the largest ring most likely. A lot of variety here. Many of them, I can depend on. People I love for who they ...even in spite of any flaws... I know who they are down deep, and there's mutual respect. Some family maybe. Some I may not see as often. They may be busy people, people whose lives or the cards dealt them monopolize their time, their mind, their resources. But they are true friends. The only thing that separates them from the previous ring: a self-placed limitation on their part that gets in the way.
5. The next ring is a ring of respected acquaintences whom I enjoy. They have a positive effect occasionally. And they have their baggage under control.
6. The 6th ring is peripheral associates, people I like, work-mates of B's etc. They are neutral until otherwise noted.
7. The next ring is for new people --I'm open to whatever this relationship becomes.
8. The 8th ring -- people who are not good for my health --not with intention, but just by being who they are. They are unaware of how they affect others in general. They are negative, but don't seek to do harm on purpose; it's just who they are and how they see life. Workmates and even relatives can land here, or people who change due to trauma or stressful life situations. They may even be fun or entertaining... but... in small doses.
9. The 9th ring -- They have broken trust, perhaps multiple times. Takers, vampires, those who envy, criticize and tear down. They are a bad influence on self-esteem, health, life outlook, habits and well-being. They are as far from the center as they can get without being strangers. And many of them managed to get to at least the 4th ring at one time.
Of course this isn't a literal dartboard, and people do jockey for positions once in awhile. Nothing is carved in stone. There are always exceptions and room for change. Some people even manage to straddle rings. Then there's guilt by association. Or our own tendencies to forgive because we love someone.
One quote really struck me: "When you free yourself from negative people, you free yourself to be YOU." When I think about those who are no longer in my life, it's largely because of this. It seems so obvious. Get rid of the takers, the cynical, the fence-straddlers, those who are negatively competitive... mean-spirited... and hyper-critical. Yet it took me decades to make this a priority. My life has been so much happier ever since.
Just this one choice will make a massive difference in anyone's life.
Imagine if we taught this to our children. Just imagine.
~Shephard :)
posted by Shephard @ 