ShubertAlleyShephard

Finding My Inspiration for my new website!

2013-03-07T14:47:00.002-08:00

What will my new site feel like?
This is an eclectic mood board, consisting of color palette ideas, fonts and images I'm drawn to, as well as a little Midcentury creeping into it all. I hope the new website will capture some of this, though these random images will be more inspirational than literal.

Aqua, leaning slightly toward green. Perfect shade.

Above: pattern set in Aqua, but maybe not the flower element...

White and Aqua... clean.

Above: One of my absolute favorite images. Feels clean, but lacks a bit of contrasting color.

High Contrast pattern.....

It's just a pretty sunset.

Midcentury fresh.

Combination of colors.

But it does need a little something warm ..... like....

Fresh, clean orange.

Not so much orange that it would dominate... but a little does really perk things up.

More Midcentury inspiration

Orange, blue, green.

I decided against purple... it can be overwhelming. But a pop of violet, little elements here and there could be fun.

A little blue goes a long ways. But combined correctly is nice. And I do like a little Art Nouveau. But it would have to be very subtle.

I love glass.

Glass, light reflected through things.

I do like some details that make things feel "crafted." Doors and things.

***

The following 2 images... honestly, they're garish, but in some small decorative way, might be refreshing. A pop of color always draws the eye to the most important elements in a design. Maybe as a small logo or button/tab element somewhere.

and... below... I love an illustratory feel, contrasty graphic design.

And some stars never hurt to make you think about your place in the universe.

FONT and TYPOGRAPHY.

I'll need a font for my name, and one for reading that is easy on the eyes and maybe one for headings, banners and tabs. Fonts have to marry well as similar or as complementary contrast.

They can't be hard to read, and they can't lean toward any genre or theme too strongly.

I love the handwritten quality of the font below. In fact, it might not be a font at all; just someone's handwriting, but the point it, it feels personal and casual, and not too self-important.

Below, definitely a font. Or someone who can write like my 9th grade Geometry teacher.

The color palettes and how to accent them. None of these are perfect but contain elements that feel right.

Missing, but Active

2013-03-06T09:21:00.001-08:00

I've been productive!

And having adventures, as usual!

Of course B's new movie is now kicking into gear. We just got back from a research trip for the movie (in Vegas, of all places, where we got behind the scenes tours of Cirque du Soleil shows and went to an Ice Bar).

I've written 2 short stories for a different short story anthology submissions, and have finished the 1st half of my 2nd novel, and I currently have 2 agents reading my first novel (not sure where that will go yet). But not only do I miss the blog and reading your comments, I miss this specific kind of writing. The Examined Life is about sharing, for me. Because I am on the road to publishing, I need a more clear and clean web presence now.

A new website is being created for me

by a professional web designer

I will have a landing page, likely me dot com or something, a photo and everything.

On that page, there will be a short intro, and tabs to take you to other creative places. I'll have a bio and a contact page, that sort of thing, but also a page of sharing what inspires me (movies, books I'm reading, TV, news articles, anything that inspires me), and of course, a link to this very blog. It's not going anywhere!

But you may not recognize this blog visually.

It will be redesigned and renamed.

It will be visually compatible with the landing page.

All authors have websites, and it's time for my blog of 7 years to make that transition! I'm excited!

I'm trying to decide on theming and the color palette.

I'm saying bye-bye to the dark, vibrant and comforting alley theme and heading toward cheery, light, clean and crisp.

At the moment, I thinking about these two palettes.

I'm interviewing two different companies, and hoping they will meet the creative challenge head-on, and collaborate with me on something fun, fresh and professional. But you know me, the blog writing won't change in essence, style and focus. There will be shorter pieces on the main stie, creative pieces on the main, but right here, The Examined Life continues. :)

Forgive my absence, but it's been a rewarding 2 months break.

Here's to a bright new look and future!

Thank you for reading all these years.

I think you'll enjoy the next phase just as much.

~Shephard :)

The Three Most Powerful Words

2012-11-24T07:25:00.004-08:00

It was the very last day of high school, in a classroom full of students, with my favorite teacher. And it was probably the most interesting dream I've had in a long time.

My favorite teacher gave us a special book, and a last assignment. She told us we had to complete it during class. We were told to use the book, and that inside it somewhere, we would find the 3 most powerful words in the English language.

I couldn’t find it. The book was so confounding, talking about everything on the planet. I even tried using my phone (!) to look it up on the internet (!), and even the internet refused to cough up the answer.

She told me to keep looking, because she believed that of all her students, I lived my life by these three words, and would appreciate them more than most (in hindsight, I know the clue in the dream to finding those words... was that I was a very emotional, expressive teenager).

I couldn't find them. She gave me a hint. She said read every word on pages 16 and 17, and I would find it. I used up the entire hour of class searching that damn book.

I had 5 minutes left.

I searched for a blank sheet of paper.

I used orange and black ink.

And wrote these choices to "show my work."

Eat more Vegetables

Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary

(I overheard a girl say she chose this… she was so confident)

Funk and Wagnall’s (smart ass)

Believe in Yourself.

I am strong

Peace not War

Never Give Up.

And then, my final choice, which I thought I saw on page 17:

I Love You.

I was coming to the very bottom of the page, with barely any more room to write.

And it was the very last day of high school, and I would never see this teacher again. And since she was my drama teacher and mentor, I wanted to tell her how much I would miss her. So I chose a quote:
Dorothy to the Scarecrow: I think I will miss you most of all.

Then I signed it.

And I do miss her most, of any of the teachers who taught me in school.

When I think back on her, she was the first person in my entire life to talk to me about being gay, and what the choices would hold for me. Kids made fun of me, it wasn’t something I could hide, but most chose to ignore it. She chose to talk to me about the future of being gay. Although she had the future wrong, because back then, being gay was a fearful thing, and she had friends who lived their gay lives fearfully . . . I never forgot that she was worried about me, and wanted me to be happy.

The Dream Ended

I never learned if my answer was correct or not.

But since humans are such emotional creatures, who are moved by the tides of loyalty, generosity, devotion and kindness… I can only assume that my answer must be correct.

Although they are the most powerful words, I think they are the words most taken for granted.

When B & I were young, I went to an unusual source for “counseling” (If you know me well, you know what I mean by that)…. and that source told me that I said I love you too much. She told me it would lose its depth of meaning for me if I say it too much. ... to choose it very carefully. Don’t say it so often that it just becomes three words, no more powerful than hello and goodbye.

We never forgot that. It became a very careful guideline for our relationship. We didn’t avoid using it, but we avoided using it unless the emotion was behind the words. Because the three most powerful words in the English language should be used with care and intention.

It was one of those dreams that played out more like a message than the usual unconscious mind working things out while I slept. I’m still a bit puzzled.

But I have a nice memory of a teacher I loved, who believed in me, and one more chance to talk to her than I had yesterday.

~Shephard

TEN for TOMORROW

2012-11-05T12:22:00.000-08:00

Ten Things That Election Results Won't Change

1. The next four years of good times with friends/family.
2. How much you love your spouse and friends.
3. How much they love you.
4. Your ability to make healthy/positive choices for yourself/others.
5. The fact that everything is temporary.
6. Your ability to feel grateful for your life and your health.
7. Your ability to speak and act with compassion.
8. What goes around, comes around.
9. Your ability to see the big picture and what matters most.
10. Pudding.

We have, can and will endure whatever life throws at us, because there have been millions before us who have done just that.

And if the big picture includes a compassionate, smart, protective, respectful and humane president, well that'll be the icing on the cake.

If not:
"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end they always fall -- think of it, ALWAYS." ~Gandhi

~Shephard

Four and Twenty-Five

2012-10-22T16:53:00.000-07:00

Everyone's anniversary is worthy of celebration and congratulations. Especially in light of today's quick-fix-grass-is-always-greener-give-up-too-easily generation.

But our anniversary is different.

The fact that it's legal.

In spite of the Mormons and Knights of Columbus and all those who spent millions of dollars to help Prop 8 pass, our marriage, along with 18,000 other couples in the state of California, is grandfathered and protected.

So, even tho B & I have been together 25 years (we met when we were 18), today is our 4-year wedding anniversary.

I got Go-Diva chocolates and the above drawing from my husband. :)
He's one of the kindest, most loving and supportive people I've ever known, and it goes without saying that I'm lucky. . . but maybe for many different reasons than you think.

I'm lucky that in spite of this society showering us with negative messages about our relationship, we made it through the early years, and knew we could make it want we wanted to.

I'm lucky that somewhere in my childhood I had a good example who told me to believe in my own values.

I'm lucky I had 4 older siblings who showed me exactly how not to go about a relationship. Their spectacular examples were beacons in the night. Fear of their failures was a guiding light on occasion.

I'm lucky that selfish parents were not able to tear us apart.

I'm lucky that, in a community like ours, where fidelity isn't a high priority, the two of us protected our values and recognized what we really had.

I'm lucky that we didn't fall prey to the "Fool's Gold" of the gay community whose very nature advocates keeping one eye on the door in case something better comes along.

I'm lucky that I found such a loving, funny, good soul for a husband.
That alone protected us from so very much that snags so many relationships.

And while future generations will undoubtedly suffer much less bigotry and second-class citizenship than B and I and our generation, I'm so very fortunate for those who came before me, paving the way, fighting the fight, and making that tiny 4-month window of legal marriage in California possible. If you're reading this, and you helped, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Getting married was a learning experience.

We learned what it felt like to have everyone in our lives celebrate and validate our relationship, and wish us well. I will always remember what that unique experience felt like. And while some argue that a marriage license isn't important for gay people, I would say that the experience itself can be profoundly important.

Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart.

~Shephard

Ripples and Bonfires

2012-10-15T16:16:00.000-07:00

What we do every day . . .
matters to the people in our lives,
and we will probably never fully grasp the broad, ripple effect it has on our world.
Maybe we're not meant to. Maybe if we knew, we wouldn't try as much.

I was once told that lighting candles is every bit as lasting and noble as lighting bonfires. And over the years, I've seen the proof.

If I help 5 people a week, making a positive difference, that's more than 260 people a year. In ten years, 2,600 people. And while that seems modest, if everyone did it, it would be (and is) huge. Does it matter if those 5 people are the same 5 people every week? No, because they go out into the world with every influence they experience in their lives, and they share.

These are the uncounted, unseen ripples.

What seem like ripples to us ...may be huge to someone else.
And we may never know.

There are so many ways in which what we say and do spread.
For example, if you tell a gay person you're voting for Obama, you just gave them hope that our country won't always be divided by bigotry, tho you may not realize you had this effect on them. If you tell someone how nice they look, or thank them for their kindness to you, or what a good job they did, you help them believe in themselves, in continued effort, and they put that back into their world. The very beliefs we live by, put into action, affect everyone we come into contact with each day, spreading whatever it is we choose as our way of seeing life and the world.

Sometimes we are so busy looking for the splashing waves, that we miss the quiet ripples.
Take the metaphor further... you want to set off Tsunamis that won't be forgotten, that's a noble focus, but if you don't achieve that momentum, it simply means you can't SEE what affect you have in a grand way. It doesn't mean your efforts aren't felt in a grand way.

If your focus is making a difference... you are.

The story I had published is an example for me.
I was invited to submit a story, but it felt like it wasn't putting something positive into the world, so I didn't bother ....until I got an idea four days before the deadline for a story that would make people feel better about who they are. In a gay vampire story, no less. I wrote it, and assumed it would be lost amongst the more overtly sexual. But it was chosen and published in the anthology. I have no idea how many people read it or responded positively to the message, but it's out there because I chose to try to make what seemed like a small difference to me.

I write to be read. So yes, it's important to me that I get my novels published. And I won't stop trying. But I will continue to look for candles to light. Making a difference is why I share, it's why I write, it's why I blog. It's why ripples are just as important as Tsunamis, why candles are just as important as bonfires.

We don't have angels ala It's a Wonderful Life to show us the difference our presence in this life makes, but the message of that movie is pretty clear: one individual can have a huge effect without even realizing it.

~Shephard

THE BOOK OF SHEPHARD

2012-10-08T10:45:00.001-07:00

**this is not a review, but a reflection on things happening in my life**
**NO spoilers**

Last week, we revisited Trey Parker and Matt Stone's BOOK OF MORMON, and while the Nat'l tour was every bit as good as the Bway production --as ribald and outrageously funny, as tuneful and joyful-- I was reminded of how the show shocked and surprised me by its positive and wise perspective. If you don't mind a little profanity, the show is profound and an amazing evening of theatre. But that's not what I'm writing about here.

We all search out beliefs that make us feel safer, more positive about the future, and a sense of belonging. It's so simple. We inherit these beliefs from our parents and community, modifying them based on how much support the original beliefs made us feel. We rebel and find new beliefs. We are comforted by the number of other people who believe what we believe. The more who believe, the less need to check facts.

Each and every one of us do this in some area of our lives. Whether it's beliefs about minorities, beliefs about religion or politics, beliefs about the city we live in or other countries. I'm going to cite a few short examples; stick with me til I make my point.

Example One:
Last week, I had a very short political discussion with a friend, in which every fact that came out of their mouth was grossly inaccurate. It would only have taken them 10 minutes on the internet to check those facts and see that they had unwittingly become the victim of party-line propaganda-spreading. But they were believing what they wanted to believe, so they didn't want to look it up and find out they were wrong. Because all their fear and hope was pinned on the choice they made.

Example Two:
We believe that the people in The Middle East hate Americans. Yet I've heard from soldiers, news correspondants and people who have actually been there say the opposite is true. Astoundingly, the majority do not hate us. But we believe this, because we are taught to hate the people instead of the government. We are taught that the people feel the way the government tells them to.

Example Three:
Atheists are another example. Many of them are filled with anger at the injustice that masquerades as religion, but they spin this anger into a pragmatic science-based belief system that shames anyone who doesn't agree with them. They choose beliefs that make them feel righteous and protected from the gross injustice and favoritism toward religion in the world. I'm not saying they are right or wrong, and I love science. But I am saying they too choose things that make them feel better. That their beliefs are based on concrete facts and fairness doesn't change the point: they choose beliefs that make them feel better.

Example Four:
Another person told me that I should be glad that state laws like California's can override federal laws and protect my marriage. I should not be surprised that this person isn't even aware that state laws do not override federal laws, and that marriage equality only lasted 4 months in CA. They don't care, it doesn't affect them, so why would they know this? Why wouldn't they just believe what they were told that made them feel better about their choices of who and what to support?

Hope, the Most Powerful Narcotic
Hope is a pretty powerful narcotic. Without hope, life would be terrible and bleak and unforgiving. The astounding thing is.... that even hope wrapped in a pack of lies can uplift and make a positive difference. The truth is always better, but lets's face it... people are not taught to face the truth. That's just a fact of life. It would be nice if people didn't believe they have to hurt others to be safe; but that's their karma.

A New Good Fight
I've reached a point where I realize what fighting the good fight means.
I'm not going to bother trying to talk people out of beliefs they have identified as hope. They will simply turn a blind eye. I've had no fewer than 4 instances in the last month where talking someone out of their inaccurate perspective would have actually done more damage than good. Instead, I try to help them see hope in other things if possible. That's the good fight.

I won't lie and say my own hope hasn't taken a few hits in the last couple years. It's very hard to continue to believe in the good of humanity when I'm staring down the barrel of ignorance and selfishness. But then I remember this Gandhi quote:

"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."

And that's what I need to believe to keep hope.
For me, the priority is choosing a set of beliefs that don't hurt others. And while this is not everyone's priority, I won't lose faith in the entire ocean of humanity because of the "dirty squeaky wheels."

~Shephard

Forty Freedoms

2012-10-01T10:53:00.000-07:00

So your good friend asks a favor of you.
You agree to go to an acquaintance's party.
You're just doing your good friend a favor.

A girl who knows so much more than you is wearing a button advertising her political and religious beliefs, and she bluntly asks you what you think. And you politely say your beliefs are in another direction. And she disagrees, and is not happy you don't share her anger, and you smile and validate her right to disagree.

And you move on. And you later learn from your friend's friend that this girl decided she didn't like you and what kind of person you are from this encounter.

And you don't care. Because she doesn't know you. Because her opinion of you and your life simply doesn't carry any weight. You're a feather floating blissfully high above the stormy ocean, and its turbulence simply doesn't affect you.

That's what being in your 40's is like.

You know who you are, what you believe, and you simply don't get all worked up or invested in what other people think about this. You don't care. You don't hide what you feel. You're bolder. You've been through a myriad of life's tribulations, and you know deeply in the fiber of your being what really matters... and what doesn't.

When you're in your 20's, you claim you don't care. You go through relationships and people like tissue, and the ups and downs and people just keep coming in endless supply.

In your 30's, you slow the pace slightly, and you're pretty sure you don't care as much, though there are exceptions, and you're more aware of your denial and insecurities, and people do matter, and there are really important relationships, and you compromise and experiment a lot and it's all an adventure to make it work any way you can, the cost be damned.

In college, I wrote to my favorite 8th grade teacher, and told her what a difference she had made in my life. And she shared these same insights with me about being in her forties. The forties are a relief and a joy. You've learned which relationships and life battles are worth fighting for, worth the cost, worth your valuable life and investment.

After so many years of keeping so many things afloat, so many plates spinning, the priority has shifted. Relationships are evaluated by how much of a support or drain you are on each other. The freedom of not caring what others think of your choices settles in like a comfortable blanket. You are who you are, and you've already been through experiments in modifying that for yourself and for others, and now you just see it so clearly: that's a waste of energy and time. Precious time: gold dust pouring through the hour-glass.

Time ceases to be the enemy when you fall into the moment, and stop projecting the past into the future. Fear of the past and fear of the future. They are greater enemies than Time. As are apathy and cynicism, bi-products of giving up.

From time to time, I hear friends lamenting their age. I think what they're really lamenting is the loss of time, the regrets of not knowing sooner what truly should take priority.

I've had this conversation with several friends in their 40's, and I marvel that we're all basically on this same page. It's like a truism that is never spoken aloud, a quiet membership. We've all reached a point where we see the broader view. Elementary perception, maybe. But it feels wonderful.

If you learned from your twenties and thirties, and life and circumstances let you reach your forties, celebrate. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

~Shephard

Someone Has to Go First

2012-09-24T12:39:00.000-07:00

***UPDATED***

I went to see a musical with friends the other night:
a closeted gay movie star fell in love and it began to unravel his life.
At the breaking point, the man he loved told him that it was time to face the music and stop hiding (ripped from today's headlines?).

One of the songs really hit me. My friend Ellen knows the book-writer of the show, and was kind enough to get the lyrics for me.

Someone Goes First
(music and lyrics by Lori Scarlett & David Manning
from the musical JUSTIN LOVE)

SOMEONE GOES FIRST
SOMEONE ALWAYS GOES FIRST
SOMEONE TAKES IT HARD
SOMEONE GETS IT WORST
SOMEONE MAKES THE TOUGH CHOICES
SOMEONE GOES TO BAT
THEN SOMEONE GOES NEXT
AND SOMEONE AFTER THAT
SOMEONE LAYS THE GROUNDWORK
SOMEONE PLANTS THE SEED
SO SOMETHING CAN GROW...

SOMEONE HAS TO GO FIRST
AND IF YOU CAN GO FIRST
YOU SHOULD GO.

SOMEONE GOES FIRST
SOMEONE ALWAYS GOES FIRST
PUTS HIMSELF ON THE LINE
TO SEE INJUSTICE REVERSED
SOMEONE STANDS FIRM
SOMEONE STAYS STRONG
SOMEONE KEEPS GOING

UNTIL THE WORLD COMES ALONG
SOMEONE LAYS THE GROUNDWORK
SOMEONE PLANTS THE SEED
SO SOMETHING CAN GROW
SOMEONE HAS TO GO FIRST
AND IF YOU CAN GO FIRST
YOU SHOULD GO.

It was the truest and most honest message in the show.
When I thought about it this way,
I realized what was at stake.
We all know what happens
when no one goes first.

Days later, the message had time to sink deeper into my brain, it seemed like such a personal message --not just because I'm gay-- but because my life has been about being different, going first, and struggling with being the undiluted "me."

But then I realized, we ALL struggle to feel okay showing the world the undiluted us.
The Big Picture: more than likely several someones must go first, and that even then, it might be two steps forward, one step back. But it doesn't change the fact. Someone. Has to go first.

Those who go first often have more to lose.
Those who go first... often have no road map or directions.
New territory... the unknown ... is sometimes lonely.
Those who go first... often have more to lose, and even more to gain.

In your life...
you will have situations where you have to go first.

Maybe you are the first to say at the family table... I think that's racist.

Maybe you're the first at work to say... I think women are getting the short end of the stick here.

Maybe you are the first to reach out to someone whom everyone else is ignoring.

Maybe you will be the first to ask for help.

Maybe you will be the first to say "I was wrong, I'm sorry."

Maybe you will be the first to make it easy for someone else to be wrong.

Life is too short to wait for someone else to go first.

Although I'm not the first gay author to write a novel with a happy, well-adjusted male main character, I am certainly up there in the 1% (for books published). Publishers and agents are afraid. It is after all, a business, and they do have to make a living. But sometimes fear is just that. Fear. Fear of change. Fear of having to work harder.

I'm willing to work harder. I'm willing to go first.
For me, it's a call to arms.
And I'll find an agent and a publisher who aren't afraid of going first.

As I look at this photo of our world ... knowing that there are MILLIONS of gay teens and adults on this planet who would enjoy reading uplifting, positive portrayals, millions who would want to see themselves and their unlimited futures in the pages of books. . . . it seems quite silly to me that so many are so afraid of going first, that they blindly cling to beliefs and perspectives that don't reflect the world they're actually living in.

Someone goes first.

~Shephard

Being Chased by The Time Monster

2012-09-03T09:56:00.000-07:00

(UPDATED, thanks to an insightful comment...)

I remember being 25, and not worrying about TIME.
I remember being 35, and not worrying about TIME.
But, it feels like TIME invades my thoughts now,
a crystal clear reminder of where I am at any given moment.

People crave "getting away from it all."
Maybe it's not always our lives we want to leave behind ...
but rather the pressure of TIME breathing down our necks.

The clock is ticking, we can hear it...
but we have no idea what time it is.

Am I going to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder to see what TIME it might be? I talked to B this weekend, and realized TIME was putting the lion's share of pressure on me, on my life, on my writing, on my goals and how I felt about all of them. TIME seems to have the final say how I feel about my progress and self-esteem. All the pressure I feel comes from TIME.

Time to take stock on how time is polluting areas of my life. Re-focus.
I love this quote, and I made this sign to remind me that it doesn't matter WHEN I get there, only that I enjoyed the journey.

I, for example, should be spending my TIME enjoying writing, doing the thing I love... that's the whole point: writers write. But the goal is getting published, and I hold the journey ransom by obsessing about the destination. It would be like being a mouse stacking blocks of cheese just to get to a moon made of cheese.

One comment on this post made me want to add a thought.
Wendy said: "The older we get, the faster it seems to go and now, we know the value of it, whereas when we were younger we didn't place much value on time."

I've always wondered what to say to older people who say time goes faster as you get older. Because it doesn't. But Wendy's comment makes it clear: it seemed slower when we didn't realize the value. We didn't pay attention to the passing of it as a whole. As we get older, we understand the value, and we know we are not immortal, and we notice all of it passing.

So we have to make it count.
It reminds me of my *Make a Parade of Every Moment* post
(link in pink).

I'm already doing what I love: writing.
I am grateful for that.
I'm going to enjoy the days between the responses.
The sag between the tent poles.
The long stretches.
The Not-Knowings.

"I must govern the clock, not be governed by it."
~Golda Meir

Enjoy the parade. Make the moments count.

It all takes as long as it takes.

~Shephard :)

Seasonal Disorder

2012-08-27T14:37:00.000-07:00

We have met all kinds of amazing people here and in other countries. The diversity and divergent backgrounds and perspectives are part of what make relationships rewarding. I try to respect difference and diversity.

A Plan for the Season
But it's Campaign Season, and that's when diversity can get rather dicey. I've had to block a lot of pro-hate and pro-ignorance posts from being seen in my FB feed. It's depressing. I still want to like and respect people for who they are, knowing they come by their choices and beliefs honestly, and mostly not meaning any harm to anyone. So their posts are blocked for now. Of course, I don't see their other posts either, but it's only for a season.

I believe that no matter who gets elected, there's a margin of how much actual damage can be done by that individual before our counter-measures kick in. I believe we saw first hand where those limits are in the past. So I'm not an alarmist about the election. But my fingers are crossed.

When Not to Argue
An example... gay Republicans. Somewhere down the line, these individuals identified with something that convinced them that it's possible for a candidate to be anti-civil rights and yet still be healthy for our economy. They actually believe that it's okay to elect an individual who is anti-civil rights, as if this belief is so isolated/contained that it won't affect everything that candidate does --as if it won't bleed over into everything. Put simply: why would you elect someone who holds hate and intolerance for any portion of the population, especially if you belong to that portion? More astoundingly, I think most of them believe that the president is the one responsible for delivering a healthy or failing economy. It goes much deeper than just the presidency.

So there's no point in arguing with any gay Republicans, because they aren't being rational to begin with. Pick your battles.

Fenced Off
People straddle fences and say, "It's not a black and white world; there are gray areas." I often agree, but not when it comes to making any portion of our population second-class citizens. And not when one religion is allowed to decide for the rest of this country --a country that was founded on religious freedom. "Majority Rules" is not the sole deciding factor for evolution as a society. If it was, we'd still have slaves, the Irish would be segregated, and we'd be an English colony (the Brits as a whole are quite a bit more tolerant, I must say).

We have to get along with diverse people, at work, in our families, even our circle of friends. We don't gain anything by alienating them, because then their ears are closed to us, and we're left "preaching to the choir."

Over the years I've mellowed, and realized that only so much damage can be done, and that most damage can be undone, politically speaking. So I don't make every election a panic situation. I care deeply, so I try to do things that help bridge the gap. I try to keep my eye on the big picture. I'll be just fine. And history will look back rather pitifully on those who choose money over compassion.

If I have an opportunity to help someone see the compassionate choice, I take it. But people find it, with or without help, when they stop making choices based on fear and greed, and when they look deeply at why they make the choices they make. It's not a race. But we'll all get there faster if money is lower on the value-priority list.

November will come and go. It will be tense and a bit scary, and it may even be disheartening. But....

"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty." ~ Gandhi

and....

"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall --think of it, ALWAYS." ~Gandhi

~Shephard

Bring Out Yer Dead!

2012-08-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

To those old enough to be thinking about it...

To those young enough to have a lifetime of it ahead of them...

Some of us remember when we were a kid, we'd be watching The Oscars, and they'd do that In Memoriam list of celebrities who passed away the previous year, and how we'd be shocked at hearing about half of the list.

Now that we're all plugged into Y*hoo News and FB etc, we hear the nanosecond someone dies. Not only that... we hear about EVERY remotely famous person who dies. And then some.

I have to remind myself... more people aren't dying. And it's not because I'm getting older or people are less healthy (as proven by the broad range of ages of those dying). On the contrary, most research agrees we are living longer. The difference is that we are hearing about it constantly. ALL of it.

We are being bombarded by reminders of all the ways people on the planet are dying. That's not natural or normal, and it does take a negative toll if we don't remind ourselves this information is being floated to the top and selectively aimed at us.

Omg, so-in-so died of cancer. That's scary. It's so common, because I'm hearing about it all the time. Buying into that wears on our psyche and our attitude toward life. We do not have an accurate perspective about likelihood or numbers. And we can't compare our behind the scenes with someone else's highlight reel --in other words, we have no idea of the cumulative combination of genetics, environmental and lifestyle that created said cancer or disease in any of these examples we are bombarded with.

So, I have been paying attention to my thoughts and reactions over the last year, and am policing my attitudes and fears. Since this is not going to change, we simply need a thicker psyche. As always, we are our own best parents. We don't know how many days or years we have left, AND NEITHER DO THEY. They simply want us to read their papers, watch their news reports and buy their books, and fear is the best motivator.

So I try to pay attention to when someone is selling us something, rather than sharing something that we need to know. It tends to stem the paranoia.

~Shephard :)

Don't Get Distracted By The Me's

2012-08-13T12:04:00.002-07:00

We live in a distracted world

Too many things distracting us while driving.

Cell phones, talking to people, restraining kids, eating, reading, shaving, putting on make-up, etc etc.

All while driving.

B & I do none of those things.

But we have to deal with the people who do.

We've had 3 fender benders in 2 years, none of them our fault (and we don't live in a major metro area, but rather The Burbs).

B got his fender bumped this morning.
Guy wasn't paying attention.

Slight ding/No one hurt.

Major interruption/inconvenience to take care of it.

All because the guy wasn't paying attention.

We live in a distracted world

We can complain and lament, but that's not gonna help. I am going to do my best to evolve with what this world becomes. Yes, someone should be teaching phone etiquette and safety to kids at about age 8 or 9.
But we know that's not going to happen.

So what are my choices?

We can't just buy a gas-guzzling SUV like most people and hope that will protect us from the other people not paying attention. No, we need to adopt an "us" attitude instead of a "me" attitude. Example: our street is a cul-de-sac. There are 13 cars for 4 houses. We own 2 of those cars. That means the other 11 cars belong to 3 houses! FIVE of those cars are SUV's. Is it any wonder 3 of our neighbors are at each other's throats about the situation? On or off the road, the problem is attitude.

1. People are distracted.

2. They are driving as a "me" experience, instead of an "us" experience.

So what can I control in all this?

I can control my car and my brain.

Since they aren't paying attention, I have to pay attention with all my senses when driving. And to do that, I need a new mindset for driving.

I'm on a Jungle Safari in my car

My job is to pay attention to what's moving in the bushes, to the sounds and sites and life around me. These clues keep me in tune with my environment. Pay attention to the life around me. Not let myself get distracted by anything that isn't about driving through the jungle. Being ready to respond to the tiger that jumps out of the bushes. Or the elephant who stops unexpectedly in front of me. I need to become part of the jungle to move with it.

A teacher in a class of 8-year-olds at recess

They're playing and going about their business and not really paying attention to the world around them. I will watch them all, watch the activity, and make sure they don't get too close to me, or bop into me as they're going about their play. My job is to supervise and pay attention to the movement/activity, knowing that they aren't always watching where they're going. Because they're distracted.

Whatever metaphor works for you.

But the idea is that driving is an "us" experience, with everyone around us. Not a "me" experience where I allow myself to be distracted or do anything other than driving when I'm driving. They're not the enemy (tho some drive like it!), but rather, part of my world.

It's either that or install a submachine-paint-gun on the front of the car. The former is easier. And less messy.

~Shephard

Lately, I've Been Asking....

2012-08-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been asking.

That's all. Just asking.

And, even after all these years of asking, I'm still kinda shocked at how I get answers. Answers that are so obviously answers to the asks I've been asking.

It's Important to Ask

Ask for what you need.

Ask for what you want.

Ask when you don't understand.

Ask when you want to understand.

ASK.

Why Should You Ask?

Because you are not surrounded by mind-readers.

If you tell the world what you're looking for, you mobilize people who have ears. And ears hear, and mouths share, and soon you have resources. It is not greedy to ask. It is human. Think about how good you feel inside when someone asks you, and you have the answer, you have the help, you have the solution. You feel valued and useful and happy for the person. And that is how they feel when *you* ask.

I've been asking The Universe. . .

Show me who really wants to participate in my life... ?

I've realized I've been spreading my energy far and wide, and waiting has eaten a lot of time and effort.

For example, regarding relationships, I'm letting THEM decide.
And I don't feel the pressure anymore. I'm not waiting.

I'm just flowing with what each person truly wants.

My only decision has been to go with the flow so far.

The day after I asked:

I got a call from a friend wanting to do dinner.

I got a text from someone out of the blue just to say hi.

That week, I got a card from a friend to say thank you.

I got a call from an old and dear far-away friend.

A friend asked me to share my thoughts unexpectedly.

I heard through FB that someone I thought was a friend had made some interesting choices regarding my friendship.

The following week, I visited a friend and we reinforced how much we care about each other.

And it continues. I've heard from people right and left.

Sometimes what I hear, makes it clear to me

that I was doing way too much to keep all the balloons in the air. They just don't all have to stay in the air.

This all made me feel so relieved and light-hearted. . .

you know, the way you feel when you get clear answers, clear choices.

I was spending too much time holding on and waiting.

Sometimes Questions Don't Get Answered

There have been questions I've asked people, and they never answered.

That too is an answer. It speaks volumes.

They do not want to answer, or they do not have an answer.

I know exactly what to do with that.

A favorite INDIGO GIRLS quote:

"Seems easier to push, than to let go and trust."

Sometimes pushing masquerades as "being proactive/taking initiative."

I'm happier for listening to the difference.

And much happier focusing on some of the best friends I could have asked for.

~Shephard :)

8 Things That Change Lives

2012-07-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

We need algebra. But I think the following things would make every bit as much a difference in the world as algebra... if we taught them in school. The seeds we plant are so important.

1. Perspective

What if we taught children to see the forest for the trees? To ask the simple question, "How much will this matter to me a year or five from now?" Perspective. Followed by the question: "If I make choice "A" right now, how will it impact me one year from now?"

2. Everything is Temporary

Sometimes our greatest skill will be endurance. Outlasting whatever comes along. Even the worst is only temporary, and knowing this lessens the severity and hopelessness. It can help combat depression.

3. Gratitude

"There will always be someone worse off than me, and someone better off than me in my current situation." Find the gratitude for what is working. If I am actually feeling gratitude, it is hard to feel anything negative at the same time. This lifts my thinking out of the mud. When my mind isn't focused on the negative, it can focus on solutions, options and perspective. Thus, if I can just find my gratitude anchor in the moment, I can shift my perspective.

4. Relationship Skills

What if there were a class that showed kids the disastrous results of game-playing, jealousy and selfishness in relationships? Would they still make mistakes? Yes. But more would recognize the mistakes, the process and the outcomes when they happen. More people with these skills means more responsibility in relationships, more successful relationships.

3. Cell Phone Etiquette

This should be taught as early as 4th grade. Age 9.

Yes, it's rude to talk on your phone at the bank or grocery counter.

You should be aware of how loudly you're talking. It affects others around you.

Most calls (and texts) can wait. Be with the person you're with.

(we're all guilty of this, for the most part)

Is a small amount of texting when with others okay? With most people, yes.

Yes, it's dangerous to divide your attention while walking or driving.

4. Logic

Every day of my life I see people ignoring logic.

Maybe they do it on purpose or out of denial. Maybe they never learned to analyze.

Logic is about finding clarity. It creates the ability to think things through and analyze any choice, any statement, any situation. Kids need to know how to think and analyze situations, relationships, things people say to them.

5. You Are Always Where You're Supposed to Be

The guy who just raced past me dangerously arrived at the stoplight 20 seconds before I did. But we both got there at about the same time.

I'm standing in line at the grocery store or bank. It's taking a long time.

I remind myself... I am where I'm supposed to be.

All is well, because I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Of course I could choose to believe in chaos, and that nothing is meant to be. But... how does that impact the way I see the world, and the quality of my life? Those who are happy with that, are valid in their choices. But I'd rather chose a belief that reinforces being peaceful in the moment. Until someone shows me something that works better.

Taught in school, this might be tricky. So maybe we could phrase this differently, to avoid philosophy. How about... "Be here now, and appreciate that you are not some place terrible, awful... you're not in a car accident, you're not making big mistakes, you're not out stuck in traffic, or stuck at home without a car, etc...." Be here now. Appreciate each now.

6. Tolerance

The outcome of intolerance is always bad. History is filled with horribly perfect examples. Our present world has some doozies.

Kids are taught history, but maybe they should be taught the things that glue mankind together. The things we have in common far outnumber the things that make us different. Kids in school don't see the long term repercussions. They should be shown an overwhelming number of personal stories of great people who overcame the shallow unkindness they endured in school.

7. What You Put Out There Comes Back to You

Some would call it Karma. But that makes it sound so mysterious and mystical. It's not. You are known by the words and actions you put out there. They become things, and they draw to you people and situations, and are based on your attitude, perspective, and willingness to be responsible for your actions. Imagine if kids knew they were responsible for the larger scope of what they create in their lives?

8. Happiness is a choice

It isn't something that just happens to people who are fortunate.

Kids should be shown an overwhelming number of examples of how people create and protect their happiness... and how everyone's happiness is different. And it wouldn't hurt to show them how money and fame are not prerequisites.

I'm sure there are a few other things to add, but these are a good place to start. These things came to me based on watching the current generation interact with the world, and of course, from the last "x" years dealing with my own generation.

I wonder how long it will take for people to realize how important these skills are to our children, to our world, to each individual? The optimistic voice in my head hopes this is the evolution we are evolving toward.

~Shephard :)

The Road Always Leads Forward

2012-07-16T09:13:00.000-07:00

When someone tells you to just look at your difficult situation differently, promising that you will suddenly see the light and feel better, you just want to sock 'em with a big ole water balloon full of blue-goo.

Please resist that temptation.

It finally dawned on me that it doesn't matter what kind of road you're walking. You can complain about it, worry, stress, lament and rail against it. Or you can embrace it.

No matter the conditions in front of me, it's still a road; it still moves forward. And I will deal with the road conditions in front of me, rather than wish I was on someone else's road. Doing anything but that is wasted energy on my part.

I'm querying agents. I have to find a dedicated and brave soul who feels passionate about putting good novels out there for the invisible masses of gay teens who need self-esteem boosters. This could be a challenge.

But for me, there's another layer. When other writers get passed over by agents or publishers, they're worried about their writing. When I get passed over, I can't tell if it's my writing or if someone is too scared of the potential hard work it might take to rep a gay writer in this challenging publishing climate. I can't separate the two.

So that's MY road. We all have our difficult roads.

(mine isn't life-threatening or arduous or harrowing, and I'm grateful).

But this wonderful thing happened a week or so ago.

An agent requested reading a few chapters (called a "partial"). What made this query different? I didn't pull any punches. I used the "g" word. The agent didn't care.

It made me feel ten feet off the ground!

I needed that. I needed to know that it wasn't going to be a problem for everyone.

But more than that, I needed to know that it was okay to walk my road, and that the limitations were temporary. I will outlast them. And, I remind myself, I'm not walking that road alone.

To those who came before me who made so much more possible, thank you. To those walking after: I hope I somehow make it easier for you.

We don't stop in the middle of the road.

We keep moving forward.

Embracing the road we have seems a lot less work than fighting it and complaining.

This morning, a friend shared a quote:

"The next time you lose heart and you can't bear to experience what you are feeling, you might recall this instruction: change the way you see it and lean in."

~Pema Chodron

And I subscribed to *NOTES FROM THE UNIVERSE*, a service that sends you positive messages each morning (link in pink). The first day, this is the message I got, and it inspired this post:

Go with it. Roll, Shephard. Swerve.
The "unexpected" is just preparing you for more than you knew to ask for.

Bounce back!

Embracing it just took looking at it differently.

Okay, I'm ready for the blue goo. Let it fly.

~Shephard :)

Lifting Each Other Higher

2012-06-25T11:46:00.000-07:00

Another pearl from Miss O.

The people in our lives have a direct influence on what we believe about life, about ourselves, our talents, our fears and our futures. You know the old adage, if you're told you're dumb or ugly often enough, you believe it. Regardless of whether it's true or not.

A friend of mine quit a job that he loved because the people around him were toxic. It was such a brave thing to do. I knew how much he loved what the job stood for, and the company (bet you can't guess which company....).

Several months have gone by, and I see this friend so infrequently now. . . but I do hear from him regularly, and he "feels" so much lighter and happier now! His choice was a wonderful and healthy choice for him. And I hear him saying he won't return to the company as long as the toxic people are in place. It's so inspiring to see someone do this. He chose not to buy into the attitudes and toxicity. He chose not to be a victim. He's enjoying all of his life now. I couldn't be happier for him.

We can't always jump ship when we're dealing with toxic people or relationships. But we can make choices about how much energy we give those relationships. How much time we spend with those people. How much we choose to invest in their perspectives and opinions. We always have that power.

I began making some of these hard choices a couple years ago, and I've watched my life grow steadily happier. I'm writing again, I'm feeling good about myself and my life because I'm not wasting time, effort, energy, support and attention on people and situations that drain, deflate and devalue.

I was at a B-52's/Squeeze concert recently, and people were bouncing beach-balls through the crowd, taking turns keeping them aloft. Whomever was closest, kept the ball in motion. And if that isn't a good visual for how we can uplift and support each other, I don't know what is.

If the opportunity comes my way, I will choose not to deflate you, but to keep your balloon in the air. :) And I will surround myself with others who do likewise.

~Shephard :)

No Way Around But Through

2012-06-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

About a month ago, I realized that I was buying into the status quo.

I was doing that one thing we know better than to do, but we catch ourselves doing anyway: believing what we read on the internet.

But then I found this novel:

I loved it. Why did I love it?

It's well-written.

Characters are intriguing and captivating.

I really cared about the main character --who is gay.

It was a great read, a mystery involving secrets and rival families of witches (tho not in the HP fashion).

And of course a love story. A very sweet and refreshing love story... refreshing because the romance came first, the deep feelings the characters had for each other came before touchy-gropey. The novel never stoops to graphic sex scenes.

It's artfully written as well. The portrayal of magic is anything but by the numbers... intense, evocative and beautiful.

And did I mention the main character is gay?

I was so happy when I read this. novel It gave me so much hope. Because these qualities (minus the witchery) are the elements I craft my own stories with. And for so long, the rarity of finding similar things in print was scaring me.

Since I bought my Kindle, I've read 22 novels (since Christmas), mostly for research, and the above novel Witch Eyes is a rare example of young adult fantasy/sf with a gay hero that is well-written and fun.

The internet told me (so it must be true) that agents do not believe they can sell books with gay protagonists to publishers who are terrified of gay characters. Publishers say there aren't enough gay readers... yet with so few books for young gay readers out there, where are they getting their figures? They can't have proof there aren't enough readers unless they start publishing books for them to read.

But all this will change. I will outlast their fear.

I choose to be part of the revolution.

I will buy my fellow gay authors books.

All of them. Whether I read them or not.

And I simply choose not to give up.

That's my super power: Not giving up.

My new mantra.

(one of many).

~Shephard :)

Not Filling in the Blanks

2012-06-04T14:11:00.003-07:00

Back in January, I was thinking a lot about the way our relationships fall in our lives, where we place them for the good of both parties actually. (If you didn't read The Nine Rings of Relationship, you can do so *here.* ) But as I was talking to my friend Wendy today, I realized the post didn't really address how life and the other people make their own ring-hopping adjustments.

*The Nine Rings of Relationships*

Sometimes the choices others make will move them from one ring of your life to another. This is the Universe's way of adjusting our rings of priority. And we can find ourselves with a feeling of unrest and anxiety about these social changes, rather than seeing their value.

So my revelation is that I should savor and appreciate changes. It's only a void if I focus on what is being lost.

Of course, I say this assuming that you are on that page with me, knowing that life is talking to us, and there's always something we can learn from the changes and challenges. If you're not on that page, I suggest you enjoy this detour *here.*

In one of umpteen queries I've been sending out to agents this month, I was recently asked to fill in the blank. The agent asked me: What is your favorite sentence from your novel?

Good googlie-mooglie. My novel is 392 pages long. At first, I was a bit panicked. How am I supposed to pick the best-crafted sentence? I didn't bother. Instead, I quickly found one that had great meaning for me:

"The trick is to address the void, and not be distracted by things that might fill it."

A week later, I realize the synchronicity of having chosen that sentence.

Being a social person, my impulse has always been to fill every hole left by those exiting (or ejected) from my life, by every circumstance that changes and leaves a void. For months now, I've been trying to reprogram these impulses, and succeeding fairly well. Lately, I found myself responding to the void as if something is missing. But that vacancy is there for a reason. It has meaning and value.

I realize, nothing needs to be filled.

I'm going to be here now, and explore the void, instead of filling it.

I'll just let The Universe fill it.

I can find value in whatever this is supposed to be for me.

Because... I'd rather feel peace and gratitude in my life for what is, then focus on what isn't. Now, the trick is... not to be distracted by things that try to fill the void.

~Shephard :)

The Fastest Seven Hours of My Life

2012-05-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

Our fabulous gay wedding.

To be honest, I was completely caught off-guard by the entire experience.

(do zoom in to see the details)

As a gay man, the undercurrent of my life is often validation of one sort or another. Though I hear other gay people being glib and eschewing any of the straight traditions, I can't help but think the actual wedding experience would change their minds. We not only deserve the same rights, we need them.

B and I have been together for 25 years now (yes, shocking, but we were 18ish when we got together -- very early!). But I never dreamed the experience of getting officially married in the 4-month window of validation by the state of California would be so emotional for us.

(poster, also the wedding invitation)

The ceremony was private, with witnesses, followed by the cocktail hour, followed by a performance, then course-after-course of food, fun and cake.

What people don't always think about... is how we all, each and every one of us, treat couples differently if they're not officially married.

For example: you'd never dream of inviting half a married couple some place, yet over those unmarried 21 years B & I were together, this happened all the time. Not because it wasn't known we were a couple, but because people unconsciously put our relationship on a lower rung of (for lack of a better word) priority. (Or as my friend Kristen pointed out to me after reading this.... staying home to take care of a sick boyfriend, rather than a sick husband, just doesn't seem to warrant the same respect. Another good example).

So to be there with everyone we knew, all smiling and clapping and cheering us on... was unexpectedly emotional (the Bellinis may have contributed a little too), and was the strongest validation I've ever felt as a gay man.

My god, we had a blast.

45 guests. There were 2 empty seats at each of 5 tables, and B & I moved with each course -- performance, salad, entree, wedding toasts, and cake. First course -- a very unexpected 10-song mini-Broadway performance by real Broadway singers (a dream come true).

Teri, Tami and Jason....

It was not something any of the guests expected. Or that I ever thought would be possible. We even had our own Playbill (designed by me, of course). :)

...the apples... B & I crafted and hand-lettered as place-setting markers for each guest. We tried to put personal touches into everything.

I chose all 10 songs, ending with I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do (ABBA), which everyone sang along with.

We also designed our own cake, and had our talented friend Kellie sculpt the topper, based on the poster/invitation for the wedding.

I have to admit, all the attention we got was a bit unnerving and uncomfortable. For 20 years I was used to hiding or at least being quiet about our relationship, not having it be the center of attention!

I didn't expect the bravery that wedding planning would require.
Every time I picked up the phone to plan this wedding (in 4 months, no less!), I had to "come out" to perfect strangers.... flowers, site rental, catering, clothes, hotel, cake, wedding favors, etc. I wasn't just another wedding customer, I was a gay couple. And the overwhelming support and happiness people showed to both of us was completely unexpected.

"I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart, I am never without it, anywhere I go you go, my dear..." (e.e. cummings)

Instead of wedding toasts, I wrote 5 wedding mad-libs, one for each table, each ending in alcohol-induced gales of laughter and teary eyes for everyone.

It was the fastest seven hours of my life.

It was one of the happiest days of my life. And no proposition followed by a number... no president or religious leader... can ever take that away from me.

Am I glad we had to wait 20 years for the state (any state) to validate us? In a way, I kinda am. It meant so much more to me. During the 4 month planning, I took nothing for granted, knowing the precious opportunity we'd been given. I wouldn't change one moment of that wedding.

Yet I can't help but feel a sadness that this very human and loving experience is still denied to some, based on politics and religious choice. My very real plea is that if you're reading this, you realize that your vote does matter. And be honest with yourself --we all know the economy will bump along no matter who is president. The vote that matters is a vote of equality and civil rights.

Four-years later, the memories are crisp and life-changing. And I'm simply more grateful than I ever thought I'd be for this experience.

~Shephard :)

Chloe, a Supernova of Cute

2012-05-20T19:57:00.002-07:00

Chloe, a.k.a. "Bunny-Sue"

She's 14 months now.

Still behaving like a kitten tho.

She makes us laugh daily,

and has become very sweet

(tho still a precocious spaz).

~Shephard :)

My Donna Summer Story

2012-05-17T12:11:00.002-07:00

Sometimes singers and celebrities passing away really hits home.

This is my Donna Summer story.

Why not listen to this happy song while you read this post?

It's one of my favorite DS songs: Carry On (1992).

Before I fell in love with music, before I knew I could sing. . .

I already had every Donna Summer "record" I could get my hands on, checking them out form libraries, borrowing them, whatever I needed to do. I totally missed the disco-craze -- too young to go to clubs or be exposed to much directly, so I relied on the radio (whoa-oh-oh-oh, I heard it on the radio).

In my school, if you liked Donna Summer, you were not cool.

You were not only not cool, you were targeted and made fun of.

But I still had photos of this colorful diva pasted all over my school folders and in my locker and in my bedroom. She was like this singing angel who watched over me.

I had a friend who would draw colorful Donna pictures for me. I collected magazine articles and photos.

I played her music endlessly, singing along... before I even knew I could sing... and amazingly, this is how I learned breath support and control in my singing voice --from singing along with Donna, trying to match her notes and phrases (lucky thing I'm a tenor!).

And that hair. That amazing hair and those big beautiful eyes. A lioness. She was this epitome of a strong, expressive person.

Gay men are drawn to strong, capable women. Why? Because women generally accept and embrace gay men. And because they are examples of how to be comfortable with your feminine side, to be strong and out there boldly expressing who you are, not hiding it. Bette, Cher, Madonna, Diana, Gaga, Judy... all loved by gay men for those reasons. Donna was no exception.

I remember she did a TV special, at the height of her popularity, just after ON THE RADIO and BAD GIRLS. I not only watched it, I recorded it, and wore out the tape. I eventually found these recordings as an adult, on Ebay of all places. But that TV special... I'll never forget her singing Bridge Over Troubled Water with Robert (Benson) Guillaume. Wow.

Despite the color and splash of disco and the upcoming 80's, Donna was always very real, and had a quirky sense of humor. Though I had nothing in common with Donna the person, her light was still a beacon to me as a child. Did you know she was an accomplished painter as well, and had many gallery showings of her work? She even dabbled in writing a Broadway musical (which sadly never materialized).

But the voice. It never weakened. As proven by her mini-come-back with I Will Go With You -- her voice was stronger than ever.

I saw her in concert, in Tampa, FL, in the 90's.
Naturally, I know the voice ages, but I was blown away by the power and color and control she still had after all those years. For me, that concert was a "coming home" -- not only embracing who I was, but letting go of some of the pain of childhood. I stood in a huge concert hall, filled with thousands of people who loved her voice. Suddenly, I wasn't quite so uncool anymore.

"Christmas is Here" (from her Christmas CD) is the happiest and most joyful Christmas song I think I've ever heard, and I often make sure it's the first song of the season I play.

When I heard she passed away this morning, at 63, it just broke my heart a little. It's not that I'm a zealous fan or have followed her career, or even play her music regularly. It's the very personal realization that someone that helped me get through the most painful time in my life, someone I was able to vicariously hang onto, who helped me "carry on". . . . is no longer with us.

Like the song, we do "carry on."

Here's one of my favorite dancey fun Donna Summer songs.

It makes me wish I knew how to Mashed-Potato.

Hearing this song always made me feel so happy and hopeful.

And it probably always will.

Rest in peace, Donna.

~Shephard

Invisible No More

2012-05-14T14:26:00.000-07:00

They're simply not reading.

I hate to think it's that simple, but. . .

well, you decide. . . prove me wrong.

311,000,000 people in the USA.

Some say 10% are gay.

A recent conservative guestimate says

it may be as low as 3.5%.

Doubtful, but let's go with the conservative.

3.5% is 11,000,000 gay people in the USA.

(world percentage would be 230,000,000)

I've read that a book must sell 10,000 copies to be considered worth-while/minimally successful.

If even 1% of the 11 million gay people in the USA bought a book with a gay hero/protagonist in it... that book would sell 110,000 copies! And that's just ONE PERCENT of the gay population of the USA.

Now imagine if even 10 in 100 gay people bought a book!

1 million books would be sold.

Just 10% of us could push our books to success.

I suck at math.

So my math could be off here and there.

But not dramatically.

Not enough to convince me gay people are supporting each other.

Another Theory

Maybe there are plenty of gay readers out there.

Maybe they're all reading books with straight characters.

When I research and see the majority of gay titles being romance and erotica and self-help it's discouraging. There's nothing wrong with those books, it's just that we are MORE than that. Publishers see the romance/erotica selling, and think that's all we read! If that's all we're reading, how sad. (disclaimer: there are plenty of murder mysteries, self-help, coming-out books and lots of gay vampires, but it's not the majority, and hardly compares to the diversity of mainstream literature. And no, I haven't forgotten about Tales of the City.)

Kids are the big losers here

Gay kids grow up invisible....

They rarely ever see themselves in mainstream books or movies or songs (pronoun trouble). And even in books where a gay character is featured, they are pushed to secondary status/importance. Rarely the main character.

Easily fixed

What if we all just bought a book with a gay character in it once in a while? I can afford to drop $10 to $25 on a book in support of equality, in an effort to make our numbers heard. For me, this isn't political. I remember being one of those invisible kids who never saw themselves or anyone like me in books or movies. We all know what that feels like. We can easily change that.

There was a recent controversy in the publishing industry addressing whether or not agents or editors try to censor gay authors. I couldn't see anything proven conclusively, but I do know this: If I'm an agent, and I'm trying to make a living, and I've got publishers shying away from publishing gay characters, what would you expect me to do?

Conclusion:

Our dollars are the answer. Find books other than erotica, romance and self-help, and start evening the score. Gay people are simply not supporting literacy and our invisible little brothers and sisters, or the numbers would track differently.

That book you just bought makes a difference.

Heck, buy a spare copy for the local library!

I intend to do my part and buy some books with gays as MAIN CHARACTERS, even if I don't read them.

I hope someday my community will wake up, and realize they have the power to support each other, and make these kids feel normal/less alone.

Gay or straight, how easy it would be to buy a book, and make a difference.

~Shephard

UPDATE:

I read WITCH EYES by Scott Tracey (cover below) and absolutely LOVED IT! Beautifully written, evocative, fun, a bit of a whodunit, with rich characters that you care about. In addition to a bit of a mystery, it's also a very sweet romance whose protagonist has a purity of heart and intention that gave this story a true compass. It's not your typical Harry Potter or Twilight story, thankfully. I found it original and so encouraging! PLEASE BUY IT !

Avoid = A Void

2012-05-07T10:11:00.000-07:00

Even now, disappointment may be about to knock at my door.

But ... so what?

Last week, a rather surprising realization hit me.

I've spent so many years mastering the super-power of avoiding disappointment, that I made Avoidance my co-pilot. I began thinking of the things I never attempted because I was sure they would fail. But if I'd tried and failed and I weathered the disappointment, I would actually be ahead of the game.

Avoiding disappointment is a never-ending process.

Dealing with disappointment is a temporary process.

When you avoid disappointment, you have nothing to show for it.

When you face the fears and risk disappointment, there is always something to show for it.

Specifically for me, the example is all the things I never wrote because I didn't think anyone would publish them. I succeeded spectacularly in avoiding disappointment. But, it crippled my writing for many years. When thinking about today's up-coming generation of gay writers, I realize they will not have the same fears fettering what they write.

I'm still young enough not to let the "might have beens" turn to regret. Then again, it's never too late for that. For me, it's not too late to write what's in my heart, instead of what I think someone wants to publish.

I have a feeling that will become the seed of the next novel I will write. And maybe the next boundary I push on.

I'm asking some big Life Questions:

Where am I avoiding disappointment?

It's wasted energy.

Like the Borgs, Disappointment commands: resistance is futile. Be disappointed. Embrace it. Push through to the other side. I keep thinking about all the things I would have written. I'd have something to show for every rejection I got.

What disappointment are you avoiding?

Break those damn shackles.
Or what you avoid will become a void.

~Shephard :)

Spring Arrives to Our Midcentury Yard

2012-04-08T18:51:00.000-07:00

SPRING is HERE!
I was enjoying the yard today, and sharing pics with Wendy, and she thought I should be posting some photos. And I realized, I haven't done that in far too long. Our yard is happily in full bloom and swing, maple trees and succulents thriving.

As you will see, I may be slightly addicted to succulents, esp. the Echeveria variety.

Ginkgo trees leafing out!

Big green guy there: Agave Attenuata.

Echeveria Afterglow... some of my favorites.

These are Morning Light and another I'm not sure of. Not sure how he ended up so pink... he's in the shade more, so that may be it (getting less sun)... but I think he's still an Afterglow.

Echeveria Imbricata. One of my faves, because they remind me of Lotuses. Some people call them Hens and Chicks, I'm told (cuz they propagate with clusters of babies).

Little Johns, aka Callistemon

Click on this to view larger. Such a pretty shot. Echeveria Afterglow, in a bed of Mondo Grass and bark.... Agave Desmettiana in the background.

Our mini kumquat tree produced at least 150 fruit so far. They're yummy. BUT, if you don't roll them in your fingers, releasing the sugars, they are bitter. And you eat them whole, no peeling. :)

Japanese Maple. Happy and Healthy this season after a shock of being water-starved last spring. Bounced back beautifully.

These little pink Dr. Seussy pompom flowers are Armeria. We had them at our previous house too. Echeveria Imbricata as also pictured.

Our yin yang rock (naturally formed that way). Some Ech. Imbricata and Ech. Afterglow also.

Heavenly Bamboo (Nandina) is an evergreen shrub that keeps red, green and yellow through most of the year. Great for color and variety. Behind it, some sort of agave that shoots up a thick stalk that fills with BRIGHT cantaloup-orange bell-like blooms. It held the blooms about a month and a half. And now it's sending up another stalk.

Agave Attenuata, I think the variegated variety.

Above: an Ech. Afterglow and an Agave Blue Glow

Nearest guess... either the birds planted this little guy, or he was laying in wait for 2 years, and decided to pop up this spring. Crocus?

First thought this variety of Echeveria was Imbricata, but according to a succulent grower up north, it's more likely Blue Wonder or Blue Moon.

Echeveria Afterglow... magnificent color. The key apparently is that they need great drainage, and some shade during the day as well as direct sun.

The blooms on this Echeveria Dondo range from gold to orange on the same stalk as they age on this small... tho you can't see the Dondo in this photo. :) I believe the Echeveria in the background is called Blue Curls.

Nandina... Heavenly Bamboo... see what I mean... look at the range of color!

I was out there taking pics of the succulents, and saw the mid-day light coming thru the colored bottle-glass.. had to take a couple photos.

Ech. Afterglow... this one gets plenty of sun and shade, the color range is nicer. I just love the color...

Agave Victoria... pretty huh

Ech. Blue Wonder or Imbricata... not sure.

The fireglass in our firepit...

Aoneum (might be cyclops variety)

Imbricata and Afterglow.

Seating!

We did a pretty big renovation on the yard. Decking, walls, fences, fountains, landscaping. Here are a couple before and afters.

Before & After: Side Yard

Above: BEFORE

Above: AFTER

Before and After of the back yard:

Above: BEFORE

After, day and night

Lots of challenges along the way. Figuring out what would grow well, what wouldn't. We learned our water was so hard, the fountain would be ruined by hard water and minerals, so we had to put a softener on it to preserve the powder-coating color, and the metal tray colors. We have experimented with lighting and plants.

Happy Spring! :)

Shephard

(footnote... I didn't buy most of these... they were bought for me, and installed... so I can't be sure... some of the imbricatas might be secundas or elegans, etc... when I buy plants, I always write down what they are in my iPhone and keep a record)

Shubert*Alley*Shephard

Finding My Inspiration for my new website!

Missing, but Active

The Three Most Powerful Words

TEN for TOMORROW

Four and Twenty-Five

Ripples and Bonfires

THE BOOK OF SHEPHARD

Forty Freedoms

Someone Has to Go First

Being Chased by The Time Monster

Seasonal Disorder

Bring Out Yer Dead!

Don't Get Distracted By The Me's

Lately, I've Been Asking....

8 Things That Change Lives

The Road Always Leads Forward

Lifting Each Other Higher

No Way Around But Through

Not Filling in the Blanks

The Fastest Seven Hours of My Life

Chloe, a Supernova of Cute

My Donna Summer Story

Invisible No More

Avoid = A Void

Spring Arrives to Our Midcentury Yard

ShubertAlleyShephard