ShubertAlleyShephard

The Nine Rings of Relationship

2012-01-30T15:26:00.000-08:00

A friend posted a focusing guideline to relationships on her FB page - almost like a healthy resolutions list. I didn't even get 2 bullet points into it before I knew I wanted to blog about it. They had me at "Family isn't always blood."

The first item on the list:

1. Free Yourself From Negative People.
What if you work with them? Or they are family?
If you can't give them the ole heave ho, prioritizing is almost as good.

The people in your life help define your life.
It's so important to think about how much energy we give and to whom we give it. I have an inner dartboard. At one point, I thought I needed a baseball field that players rotated through, but then I realized that was too vague. A dartboard of concentric circles feels very clear to me. I will call it my:

Nine Rings of Relationship

1. The inner circle is me.

2. The next ring is B, my husband (spouse or significant other).

3. The next ring is dear friends who are kindred spirits. The kind I can say anything to. The kind who value honesty and don't place limitations on our relationship. --If you have dear family members, they would be here also (and aren't YOU lucky if you do).

4. The 4th ring is a ring of trust. Trustworthy friends. It's the largest ring most likely. A lot of variety here. Many of them, I can depend on. People I love for who they ...even in spite of any flaws... I know who they are down deep, and there's mutual respect. Some family maybe. Some I may not see as often.  They may be busy people, people whose lives or the cards dealt them monopolize their time, their mind, their resources. But they are true friends. The only thing that separates them from the previous ring: a self-placed limitation on their part that gets in the way.

5. The next ring is a ring of respected acquaintences whom I enjoy. They have a positive effect occasionally. And they have their baggage under control.

6. The 6th ring is peripheral associates, people I like, work-mates of B's etc. They are neutral until otherwise noted.

7.  The next ring is for new people --I'm open to whatever this relationship becomes.

8. The 8th ring -- people who are not good for my health --not with intention, but just by being who they are. They are unaware of how they affect others in general. They are negative, but don't seek to do harm on purpose; it's just who they are and how they see life. Workmates and even relatives can land here, or people who change due to trauma or stressful life situations. They may even be fun or entertaining... but... in small doses.

9. The 9th ring -- They have broken trust, perhaps multiple times. Takers, vampires, those who envy, criticize and tear down. They are a bad influence on self-esteem, health, life outlook, habits and well-being. They are as far from the center as they can get without being strangers. And many of them managed to get to at least the 4th ring at one time.

Of course this isn't a literal dartboard, and people do jockey for positions once in awhile. Nothing is carved in stone. There are always exceptions and room for change. Some people even manage to straddle rings. Then there's guilt by association.  Or our own tendencies to forgive because we love someone.

One quote really struck me: "When you free yourself from negative people, you free yourself to be YOU." When I think about those who are no longer in my life, it's largely because of this. It seems so obvious. Get rid of the takers, the cynical, the fence-straddlers, those who are negatively competitive... mean-spirited... and hyper-critical. Yet it took me decades to make this a priority. My life has been so much happier ever since.

Just this one choice will make a massive difference in anyone's life.
Imagine if we taught this to our children. Just imagine.

~Shephard :)

Awards & Memories

2012-01-23T16:10:00.000-08:00

I remember the beginning moments of my blog... no readers, just me talking to the ethers.
Lots of silliness really. But it's going on 7 years now. I've outlasted the advent of Facebook.
(I blog in spite of Facebook, even)

I remember fondly those first few years, the camaraderie and daily check-in, getting to know everyone, and learning to trust (sometimes the hard way). But the thing I never expected was finding a kindred spirit in blogdom.

Almost all of that large blogging circle I participated in is gone now thanks to FB.

The best thing blogging has brought me: the enduring friendship and camaraderie of my sister-from-another-mister, Wendy. If not for blogging, we would never have met. We talk weekly, email daily, we have spent vacations together, we participate in each other's lives perhaps more than half our relatives do.

"Shephard, why the trip down memory lane?"

In early blogdom, we used to pass blogging awards to one another as a way to support, encourage and validate. I used to have a passel of them in my sidebar (I'm not really sure how many a passel is... ).
Out of the blue this week, I got one from my friend, *Elissa* , and it made me remember the early days a bit.

Very kind of her. :)   And it's nice to be appreciated directly. And the appreciation is reciprocal. :) I'm also supposed to tell you all 10 things about me. Well, I have a link in the sidebar that tells you 100 Things about me. That tradition seems long lost to bloggers these days. But, here are 10 More Things...

1. I back-date posts sometimes. Often. Okay, a lot.

2. I have learned that awards are as much for the people who give them as get them (Oscars and Golden Globes included).

3. I am a published author.   I am grateful. But I have a long way to go.

4. People say they blog for themselves, but I think most blog for readership. I'm no different. I blog for the opportunity to add positive voice to the world.

5.  My favorite place I've ever been is still Venice, Italy.  If you'd like to see some of the photos I took of this magical city, click *here* and *here* ... lovely memories.

6. I have a funny sign on my montior that says: "8 is Enough." This is a reminder that my blogging is about sharing, and if I manage to touch just 8 people with awareness or empowerment, then the blog is worth my time. It is not about comments on posts (tho those are nice too). 8 is enough keeps my priorities straight.

7. Even as a writer, I find it hard to describe the beauty I see in a single cat.
Like this photo of our little Oboe:

8. I share a deep and abiding love of potatoes with the person who gave me this award.

9. I have another sign on my monitor that says "Loud & Clear," and it reminds me that actions speak louder than words... "Pay attention, Shephard. Actions tell you what someone really thinks."

10. I finally met Ben Affleck. It was all I hoped it would be.

~Shephard

Be a Squeaky Wheel

2012-01-16T15:50:00.000-08:00

One of my biggest challenges is to allow people to believe what they need to believe, regardless of the facts. But after a couple decades, I learned when to speak up, and when it just wasn't important. Getting to that point was a long road, and my choices and beliefs were often as wrong as they were right.

I know where I got this need for definitive fact-checking. My father.

You see, my father lived in a mental fantasy of "if it sounds right to me, it must be true." Perhaps in a reasoning, logical person, this is not such a huge flaw, but my father had an 8th grade education and bible-thumping farmer-parents from Nebraska. So what sounded true to my father was often the furthest thing from it! (disclaimer: I'm sure that bible-thumping farmer-parents in Nebraska are much smarter today than they were 60 years ago).

(In other words, The Squeaky Wheel Gets the Grease)

When I learned how often my father was wrong, I became a person who questions everything he's told (to this day). Needless to say, that catapulted me in the opposite direction of blind faith and organized religion. And for my teachers at school, well, let's just say those who didn't like to be wrong were about as fond of me as my dad was.

I grew up in a family who stubbornly masqueraded opinion as fact. So, I personally tend to be less patient about that. But growing up with it was just about the best training for the real world. I learned how to deal with blind beliefs and poor fact-checking early on. But I also stepped on a lot of toes before I realized where the fine line was. I eventually discovered that I don't care what people choose to believe, as long as they're reasonable and respectful and compassionate.

Today is Martin Luther King Day, a day that reminds us that standing up for compassionate truth is important.

If you tell me the blue sky is actually orange, it hurts no one. If you are comforted by this, I am happy for you.

But if you tell me black people or gay people are second-class citizens, I will challenge your bigotry.

If you vote for politicians you think will be great for the economy but also knowing they will take civil rights from anyone, I will not quietly tolerate your looking the other way. Because no person who devalues civil rights is good for the country.

If you tell me that god exists, and you know exactly what he believes and thinks, I'm happy for you that you have found your truth... but if you tell me that anyone who disagrees with you is wrong... I will not validate your intolerance, because you do not have the right to decide this for anyone but yourself.

Today is Martin Luther King Day.
A day to remember that civil and human rights are inalienable rights not decided upon randomly by what a person chooses to believe. We owe all our freedoms to those who came before and fought so hard to preserve and win them.  I wish I'd learned how important this is when I was younger. Imagine the choices I might have made. Likewise, imagine the choices a new generation will make if we choose not to forget.

~Shephard

Dream-Casting "Into the Woods"

2012-01-11T14:19:00.000-08:00

This post is for Elissa and Ellen and Jenni, because most likely, no one out there reading this will care unless you're a fan of Sondheim or theatre.

I read that Rob Marshall will direct the movie version of "Into the Woods" (Sondheim) for D*sney.

Well, I just about coughed up a lung. I was so surprised because I had heard that Sondheim was so particular that no one wanted to do this (... and yet.. .the disaster that is the movie version of Sweeney Todd).

I have very definite opinions when it comes to this post, because it's not only my favorite Sondheim musical, but my favorite musical period. This musical is brilliant. It could make an amazing film. It weaves the stories of Cinderella, Rapunzel, Jack and the Beanstalk, and Little Red Riding Hood etc, together, and delivers a complex morality of human nature: right and wrong, good and evil, society vs. the individual, parenthood and marriage; it's all there. And it's also very funny.

I'm not a purist.
I live in the real world.
This means that box office success is the point, otherwise why make the movie?
Hollywood will HAVE to get people in the seats.
And altho I could come up with a spectacular revival Broadway Cast, that cast would not likely translate to the big screen or motivate the general public to see the movie (US audiences are not fond of musicals, generally speaking.). So Mr. Marshall (who did the movie version of Chicago) will have his work cut out for him yet again.

I'm so excited!

The Cast
These movie versions almost always get cast with the hot-star-du-jour, sacrificing singing ability (thus, the aforementioned Sweeney Todd). But I still think there's a way.

I know they will miscast The Witch. They will go for a glamorous woman who isn't particularly funny or believable while she's playing the crone-half of the role. Ironically, this is what happened in the Bway revival... I do like Vanessa Williams a lot (saw this version twice), but she's not funny, and wasn't a very believable crone... too pretty. And yet I love-love-loved her on UGLY BETTY, where she was actually very funny. Different kind of role.

Here's my Dream Cast with the caveat that it has to have Box Office Relatability:

The Witch: There is only one witch: BernadettePeters.

There is no one who can do the witch like Bernadette.

But Julia Louis Dreyfuss or Megan Mullally both sing VERY well and are hilarious, and they can look glamorous. If only they were a bit more popular, I think they'd stand a chance of getting cast. But the problem is the witch role has to be a creepy, cranky funny crone (yet scary) who gets transformed into a glamorous witch later. Thus, I think they'll go for glamour, sacrificing humor and singing ability. I'm braced to be massively disappointed. But hopeful they can come up with someone who fits the bill.

Narrator/Mysterious Man: Robert Downey Jr. or Bryan Cranston or Jack Black.
Any of these would do the role justice, I think. I also thought of Alan Rickman, but not sure he could play the humor as well as Robert or Bryan or Jack.

The Baker: Paul Ruddor James Marsden.
Both sing well! Paul Rudd would be adorable as the fumbling baker trying to do it all on his own, lost in who he thinks he should be, trying to be the bread-winner (wink). James Marsden, same... adorable. Either would make me happy as a clam. They could also go the other direction with this role, with someone like Jack Black... and that would change my choices for both Baker's Wife and Cinderella. Chemistry is everything.

The Baker’s Wife: GwynthPaltrow or Jane Krakowski. or Kristin Chenoweth.
This is so hard. She has to be strong and appealing, yet empathetic when she commits adultery. Hard balance. After the witch, this is the role I had the hardest time dream-cating. Kristin could be very funny. And she and Jane are the rare examples of Bway stars who can translate to Hollywood.

Cinderella: Mandy Moore or Anne Hathaway.
Both sing beautifully. Both appealing, and both would match up well with the Bakers.

Cinderella’s Prince/The Wolf: Zachary Levi or Cheyenne Jackson.
The movie version might split this role into two, but I think it would be a lot less funier if they were played by the same actor like in the musical. The actor therefore has to play arrogant but likable (prince) and lecherous and beguiling (the wolf).

Rapunzel: ReeseWitherspoon or Anne Hathaway.
Unless they include the restored song "Our Little World" that she sings with The Witch, this is a light singing role at best. If they do, I think Reese would pair well with The Witches above. (you thought I was going to suggest Mandy, didn't you!).

Rapunzel’s Prince: JasonSegal or Will Farrell.
He has to be less confident, more put-upon and softer than the other prince, because he's stuck with a crazy wife whom he must endure. I don't think age matters as much in this role.

Jack: Darren Criss, Jonathan Groff, Neil PatrickHarris, Justin Timberlake.
This role has to have all the innocence in the world; he has to be very green, and coddled by his mother, and not so smart. I think any of them could likely do it justice.

Jack’s Mother: Dawn French or Megan Mullally or Christine Ebersole.
If they cast Dawn French, I would squeal. She would be perfection as the struggling mother with an inept and slightly simple child. And also would play the tragic end well. So would Megan and Christine. I pray they don't cast an actress who is TOO serious (Meryl Streep).

Red Riding Hood: Zooey Deschanel.
This character needs to be quirky and youthful, but she has a savvy edge to her. I really think Zooey is perfect.

I'll be surprised if any of my Hollywood "dream cast"get cast. Why? Because the producers and studio will go for stunt casting to get people in the seats. I guess I can't blame them.

This movie may not be the best vocal cast of these amazing songs. But there's hope. Not to mention... songs always get cut. I wonder which ones will get axed? I wonder if they'll even follow through and make this movie??

I would bet that of any of the names above, names like Justin Timberlake, Zooey, Jack Black, Zach Levi, Gwyneth, James Marsden, Jason Segal, Anne Hathaway, Neil Patrick and Reese are being toyed with. Or even some I didn't mention, like Gerard Butler, Ewan McGregor, Harry Connick Jr, Amanda Seyfried, David Hyde Pierce (thanks Elissa!) and Christine Baranski. I would be shocked if Robert Downey Jr. would even consider taking a role in a musical. Shame, cuz he could be very funny and appealing. And I bet we see some fun cameos in some of the smaller roles... like Sophia Vagara as one of the Step-Sisters (how fun!).

I hope it's a wonderful cast. To quote Cinderella:
"I wish!"

If you'd like to read my friend Elissa's equally fun and appropriate choices for this movie, click over to **Awesome/Fearsome** for more INTO the WOODS fantasy casting.

Okay, enough Theatre Geekery.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled blogdom.

~Shephard the Hopeful :)

The Future Finally Arrived

2012-01-09T16:16:00.000-08:00

Magically, the other day, B and I realized it was his FIRST day of work in 5 years where he had no meetings, no scheduled responsibilities, no drive-by's, no check-ins, no screenings, pitches, directors lunches, story reviews, research interviews, press obligations, trips to recording or film studios or anything at all. Just a blank day to actually work on his own next film! And I said, "Holy crap, the future finally got here."

The last 5 years caused us to pare down dramatically and to let go of so much "filler" in our lives. We didn't want to let go sometimes, and therefore didn't always do so very gracefully. It was like lessening the load on an overburdened boat. Either get rid of it, or we sink!

But the future did eventually get here. And things are finally completely calmed down.

I look around and find myself finally on the other side, in a totally different life. I love our home. Each and every day. I can't get enough of our home, and B feels the same way. We just want to spend quality time here. Never had a home we truly loved before. What a gift.

I miss the little cats who had to leave us.

I cherish the friends who grew with us.

I love the adventure of exploring things with new friends.

We have our health and each other. So grateful for so much.

But the future doesn't look at all like I thought it would.

My desk is cluttered and I keep missing things that need completion and follow-through. We turned this corner and I just can't seem to clear the slate enough to breath. Have I forgotten how? I find myself saying... I'm still almost there. Life seems to be 86ing the distractions for me. Funny how life does that. I'll get there.

Hubby has a good year of quiet development time for his movie. Tonight, I'm going to see his 6 minute animated short, a sort of button to the last movie (you can see it shown in theaters soon, on the front of Be*uty & the Be*st). Can't wait to see it. It's very funny!

If you're wondering if we ever have to repeat this gauntlet, theorhetically no. These movies are not meant to be done in 2 years (and B had to do 2 films back-to-back in compressed 2 year blocks). These films need 3 to 4 years if you don't want to fry eveyrone on them. Though... I see The Mouse tightening the screws on other productions now, and I'm praying this isn't the new norm. B's real defense against this will be keeping his ears open, sharing the load, surrounding himself with other competant, talented people who also know what they're doing, and making solid story-telling choices. Something he's very good at, thankfully. If he can do this, we'll never have to go through that crunch again.

Whew.

I love The Future and I'm not going back.

~Shephard

A Season of Screeners

2012-01-05T16:49:00.000-08:00

My friend Lynn asked me: "Just curious. Does your attention begin to waver after watching so many movies in a short time span? You've watched a LOT of movies."

The answer is no!

Not even after we have watched 40+ films!

Oscar Screeners begin arriving in November and continue into early January, right about the time that there's NOTHING worth watching on TV. Perfect. You do get down to the dregs of the barrel after a while, but it's a fun journey.

These screeners are a blessing in so many ways, not the least of which is that B's job as director keeps him so busy that I don't know when we'd be able to see all these movies so he could vote on them. But there's that added serenity of us sitting together on the couch under a blanket, with a bowl of popcorn or dinner, and not fighting bad theaters, bad audiences, ill-taught children and all the other random movie theater factors that can mar the enjoyment of a film.

***THERE ARE NO SPOILERS IN THIS POST***

And to that I'll add... the remote control --a godsend when having to sit through:

I won't even write the title. But it was the most pretentious waste-of-film I've seen in decades! The tagline: Nothing Stands Still. Wrong. At 138 minutes, everything stood still. Whole species evolved in the excruciating time it took to slog through this convoluted, brooding film that was in love with its own symbolism and misfortune. So we were grateful for the remote control!

That said... nothing beats seeing a film on the big screen. Nothing.

Here are a few of our favorites.

If the movie isn't here, I either liked it but not loved it, loved parts of it despite the overall movie, didn't care for it, or was sorry I had to sit through it.

A b&w silent movie?? In 2011/12 ? Really?

Really. And we loved every minute of it.

For starters, there's that undeniable "Gene Kelly" quality of Jean Dujardin.
But in general, in a decade where you never know what unexpected decapitation or other such horrors are going to fly at you from the screen, it was just a relief to sit and watch a well-made movie, with characters we enjoyed spending time with, and to know that NOTHING gimmicky or startling was going to take us out of the movie. I got lost in this movie.

The clarity and beauty of the black and white is stunning.
And the actors are so much fun, so engaging. And surprisingly, I didn't miss sound at all.

The girl, bubbly and cheery, and the dog, adorable. The dog stayed with the guy every step of the way, almost like his own little Jiminy Cricket.

The movie is just charming.

But... sadly, I'll be surprised if it wins because there are no super-horses being vaulted through a war-field and lascerated by barbed-wire against all-too-obviously-preposterous odds. Still, stranger things have happened.

A bit of a sad film... her life was so sad. But Eddie Redmayne and Michelle Williams captivate from start to finish. He is so green and wide-eyed, and she is so forlorn and child-like. It's wistful and sweet and well-acted, and enjoyable from start to finish.

I wanted to like Beginners even more than I did, because the performances are SO good. The only thing holding me back is that I'm hardpressed to believe two characters are so utterly bewildered by life and relationships without the slightest clue as to how to say what they need or what they are afraid of. The fact that we live in a time filled with movies about relationships, reality TV, Oprah, Dr. Phil and self-help, and the sheer degree to which they wallowed in lostness... that makes it a bit hard to buy. That aside, it's worth it for every performance, and is genuinely sweet. Ewan. He's the reason to see it.

And then there's the fact that the rollerskating rink scene was filmed near where I live... Ewan was SO CLOSE, and I didn't even know it. ;)

The trailers made this seem like more of a comedy than it really was. It is still a movie about a young man dealing with cancer. But again, performances really made the movie. It's a quiet movie, with engaging characters, and after this and 500 Days of Summer, I think Joseph Gordon Levitt is one of the more under-rated actors. We both loved Seth Rogan in this a lot as well. There is a healthy dose of quirkiness thanks to Seth, but at its heart, the film is about friendship. Yet this film is not at all the downer you might think it to be.

Another George Clooney film to love so close after "Up in the Air." George is endearing in this film about uncovering the truth about his wife. A film about family and fidelity... set in Hawaii! It's quirky in places and we just loved spending time with these characters. Shailene Woodley as the daughter caught us off-guard. I loved the relationship between she and her father (George). Not what I'd call an upbeat film, but not a downer either. Another natural performance from George.

A real surprise, full of natural performances as well. I tell people it's a less glossy Hollywood-ized version of The Blind Side, about real and flawed characters.

Paul Giamatti was great, but we were both taken aback by how good Alex Shaffer (blond kid above) is. We did laugh several times, but it's not the comedy it is advertized to be. But it's a solid film, and we loved it.

Last and not least, my favorite film of the year.

Midnight in Paris is the only Woody Allen film I have ever thoroughly enjoyed. I will go so far as to say, I barely noticed any traces of Woody Allen...well, maybe in the fiancé and her friends and the parents.

Owen Wilson is so appealing and earnest. The film has a surprise that I won't mention, but once it kicked in, we were thoroughly engaged and wondering what is going to happen to tie all these characters together somehow!

At its heart, is the story about finding passion and fulfillment in your life and the world around you, rather than wishing it could somehow be some other world, some other time, some other way. And I loved that the message is repeated so many ways.

And it's Paris!

There was talk about how romantic and wonderful Paris is in the rain. I will add a touch of realism by saying, that having spent 6 rainy days in Paris, that can get old REAL FAST. But Paris is beautiful, and it's the perfect setting for this wonderful film about having the courage to seek fulfillment against whatever odds. I wonder if this film will even get nominated.

To the above, I will add the guilty pleasures of fun films that, while not adding anything new to the art of film-making, were a helluva lot of fun: Sherlock Holmes, Harry Potter/Hallows2, The Guard, Super 8, and Hanna.

Am I attached to what wins? No.

The Oscars are a total popularity contest, with bargaining and coercing and shaming for votes. Rarely do I love the winner as much as Hollywood wants me to. But the fact that B gets to cast his vote for something he feels is true, decent, substantial and well-made is a wonderful thing. If only the entire academy was made up of people who think for themselves with such careful dedication.

~Shephard :)

Red Lights

2011-12-26T12:04:00.000-08:00

My friend Marianna sent me an article by M*ke Robb*ns recently.

He states 5 tools for focus.

1. Give people thebenefit of the doubt.

2. Don't take things personally.

3. Look for the good.

4. Seek first to understand.

5. Be gentle with others (and especially with yourself).

Give people the benefit of the doubt.

I try to do this, because we never really know if someone is having a bad day,if someone has gotten some bad news, if someone is distracted, or is justtired/in a fog. We all have those. But when you're also having an off day, that's when it can become really challenging.

I find myself getting easily annoyed with (ie...) entire families withstrollers walking four a breast, blocking the way for everyone behind them. Youwant to give them the benefit of the doubt. When giving them the benefitof the doubt isn't quite enough to erase my annoyance, I then go to my oldstandby: I should always expect people with strollers to be who they are, notwho I want them to be. People with strollers are going to take up more roomthan everyone else. I can rail against them for the rest my life, or I can justaccept that they take up more room and go much more slowly, and are distractedby their children, and not thinking of anyone else around them. On a good day, I can remember this.

Don't take things personally.

This one is right from The Four Agreements.

People areperceiving you the way they want to perceive you, regardless of how you trulyare. You can influence this, but they project onto you what they need you to be, the role they want you to play in "their movie." Sometimes, it's a close-to-accurate projection. Sometimes not even in the ballpark. If I can remember that everyone else is writing their movie, it makes it a bit easier to realize they are focused more on their movie than on who I really am. AND: I can't control how accurate their projection is 100% of the time. I just have to continue being "me" regardless of accuracy. When I think about it this way, it seems silly to expend so much energy because someone else isn't casting me the way I think I should be cast.

Look for the good.

We give power to whatever we are focusing on. For example. I think I want a brand new red car. So then I start actually noticing all the other red cars out on the road. They were always there, but now I'm looking for them. Same goes for problems, prejudices, biases, and beliefs. So, I'm careful about what I focus on. Another good reason NOT to watch The News, INMO.

Example, a friend shared with me a worrying video about how many people run red lights. But... I am policing what I focus on, so I didn't even watch it even tho I knew it would be entertaining. I reminded myself that every single hour of every single day, there are hundreds of millions ( ! ) of red lights that are NOT RUN. What am I going to focus on? Give power to the helpless fear of that miniscule fraction of red lights that are run? When it comes to keeping my mind clean, even trivial stuff matters because it shapes what I believe in! What am I watching? Am I poluting my mind? Because it will affect what I believe about the world.

Seek first to understand.

Make the other person feel understood or at least heard. Best tools for difusing most disagreements or difficult situations. But in this context especially, the more I try to understand someone else, the less I have engaged my own fears and defensive mechanisms. Even when that person is pushing my buttons, if I try to understand why they're behaving that way, this focus will keep my choices/actions more balanced and the situation less unpleasant.

Be gentle with others.

Everyone is doing the best they currently know how to do.

This is just restating "Give them the benefit of the doubt." I don't think this means that we allow others to be stupid and thoughtless. It just refers to how we go about the resolve.

I generally believe that if someone sees the far-reaching consequences of their actions, they change their inconsiderate behavior or poor choices. But apathy, poor parenting, environment and poverty are not good teachers, and do not encourage people to care or pay attention to how their choices affect others. And since I cannot change that, all I can do is control MY reaction. Be a better example, and try to keep my anger, annoyance and impatience in check. Being gentle can generally keep the panicked party from escalating their need to be right or validated. (DO I WANT TO BE RIGHT... or DO I WANT TO BE HAPPY?).

Difficult people are not going to go away. They'll always be there. I can't control that. Like my friend Wendy and I say... these people... are our Practice People. If we're annoyed, that generally means we need the practice.

Thanks to my friend Marianna for sharing the article. :)

~Shephard

Living Statues

2011-12-19T23:00:00.000-08:00

** My CHRISTMAS DECOR POST is below this one **

For a while now, I've been thinking about what happens as people reach points in their lives, namely, the point at which we solidify.

I don't mean that wonderful point in our 30's where we get this sense of who we are and want to be; no, I mean the points where people harden their habits and patterns into curious choices or deep-grooved beliefs.

I have watched my 82 year old mom go from this person to whom I had long conversations and deep talks ...to a person who has narrowed her world, confined herself into a little box, and the sense of sharing has all but dried up. Oddly enough, she reads a lot now, 3 books a week, which should broaden her world. But it's had the opposite effect. She always told me she didn't read cuz reading puts her to sleep. Then her favorite waitress got her to read Twilight, and ever since, she's read 3 romance novels a week. We stopped counting at 120.

Nothing wrong with that. I love that it opens up my mom's mind, but her days are closed to the outside. There have been a couple strange choices and instances with her, and she's simply become a different person. And it has nothing to do with senility or dementia. It's her choice. But...it feels like I've lost my mom. It's been going on about 2 years now, so I'm beyond the grieving process for what is lost, and I just embrace who she is and support what makes her happy. But I can't help but think that the mom I knew is no longer inside there.

It's not about age. A close friend of mine has changed dramatically over the last 7 years, choosing affectations and an odd projected bitterness, a strange balance of intelligent disappoval. I find it very hard to relate anymore, even tho I love my friend. I hear what is said, and it doesn't sound like my friend anymore. Life has hardened my friend, and my friend has chosen beliefs and behaviors that are comfortable for them. And I don't begrudge any of that to my friend that I care about. But I can't be honest with them, so I stand back and I watch this friend close themselves off.

It's a bit scary to me. I find myself thinking...
is this automatically what happens as people grow older -or- get tired of the juggling act with friends, family, society and all the rules and social expectations?

Is this the way people screen out the things they are just too tired to deal with anymore?

It's an artificially constructed, contained life - a force field protecting them against disapppoints, hard knocks, impossible expectations and the ever-changing-never-stopping world around them.

I think people just get tired of letting change into their interior life. Who can blame anyone, especially my mom who has survived 3 husbands, the loss of 2 children and old-age?

Obviously, that situation is the extreme and understandable, thus my embracing my mom's choice. But what amazes me is how vital people in their 30's and 40's solidify defensively.

I've learned some hard facts. Life may hand us the raw stone, but we are the sculptors. And I no longer let anyone try to convince me otherwise.

Another friend insists they are trying and that the world is limited. For so long I believed them until recently. I got a sneak peak through the cracks of their protected windows recently, and suddenly I understood it all. I have stopped worrying about that friend.

(photo taken last year at Versailles)

And then there's myself... believing for so long about the world of publishing avoiding gay subjects and characters like the plague... meanwhile, time marched on, and left me and my response to this back at the starting gate. Now I'm catching up. Tearing down that construct. I don't want to be a Living Statue.

So I don't feel the need to judge anyone for their choices. It's about comfort. It's about a feeling of safety in our little worlds. I want this, and if you're someone I care about, I want this for you. I just may not be able to participate in your creation.

This quote has always been near and dear to me, because it taught me that I set not only good boundaries, but also limitations.

I see people making choices and needing to believe that these choices are necessarily and defendable.
I get it. I know why people solidify and fortify. And I support anyone's right and entitlement to create a life that makes them comfortable against all that is hurled at them. I just may not be able to participate in everyone's Living Statue.

(real statue, one of my faves; I took this photo in The Louvre, Paris)

I think what's scary to me too, is that I see how easily it can happen. If I were to lose B, I can only image the lengths I could go to in order to keep my life glued together in some semblance of hope and sanity. But again, that's the extreme isn't it. And this post really isn't about the extremes. It's about the choices we make.

(I love this statue at L'Opera Paris, taken last year)

I can only hope that if I ever become a Living Statue, it's an outrageously fun one, or one that has some grace and joy and levity. My friend Wendy and I made a promise to each other that we would always be honest with each other, and if either of us ever starts solidifying, the other will sound the alarm. I can't think of a better gift from a dear friend.

~Shephard :)

The Year of Aqua & Orange

2011-12-18T14:24:00.000-08:00

Christmas comes to our Midcentury home....

With a Midcentury home, I could have gone a couple directions, but I always knew I wanted to go with aqua and tangerine.

Unfortunately, the retail world did not agree with me, and I wasn't able to find but one set of tangerine ornaments (thank you CB2).

The tree is actually aluminum. Real aluminum. We found it more than a year ago at a consignment store in Palm Springs. Knowing we'd be gone the entire 2010 holiday in Australia, I still could not pass it by.

It stayed in that box waiting for this year.

Love it.

But it didn't look complete til we wrapped boxes and put underneath. Of course, I couldn't find tangerine wrapping either. So, my vision remains temporarily unrealized.

The house is very simply decorated. Honestly, I wanted more silver. But, with a new ~~spaz~~ kitten, it wasn't realistic.

But it's festive and the aqua color makes me smile.

(zoom in)

A good friend told me these beveled ornaments were all the rage in the 60's. So it's quite appropriate for the tree and our 1955 home.

I love the new Mercury Glass this year... 1/3 the weight!

(did I mention you should zoom in on some of these? No really... the colors and sparkles have to be appreciated upclose)

Shameless plug for Crate & Barrel (they own CB2, of course)... we found a set of silver cocktail themed ornaments... shakers, wine bottles, marg glasses, wine glasses, etc.

Orange flocked ornament from CB2. Hopefully next year, I'll find beaded tangerines or shiny glossy orange ornaments to complete the look.

(zoom)
Tree skirt with oversize aqua sequins (thank you Target).

So far, Chloe is being pretty good. Nothing damaged or broken (yet). She loved the tree skirt (before we covered in presents).

Of course that doesn't stop Oboe. He's such a good boy. No interest in the tree. Just the warm lights and a cozy place to sleep.

Every year I give the tree a spin for these pretty action shots.

(Okay, it's actually the camera that spins)

(zoom!)

Another spin... I like how you can see the tree trunk at the center.

Vintage shot.

Mercuty Glass.

Reflective shot from outside the glass slider, looking into the house. :)

See the little blue canister in the center? That's the only present under the tree that's really a present. lol The rest are cosmetic cat perches. :)

We count our blessings from a year full of rollercoaster major ups and major downs.

And we're still breathing and still here, so we win.

So much to be grateful for.

I hope every one of you reading this has a warm, restful, yummy and peaceful holiday surrounded by the ones you love. That's what matters.

Merry Christmas,

~Shephard :)

Dream Boat

2011-11-28T08:55:00.000-08:00

Dreams are the source of so much for me... ideas for stories and novels, symbolism, silliness, humor, real lessons, messages, and realizations.

The Dream

There I was in a strange city, and I had borrowed TWO kayaks from a distant friend, and was now needing to return them. On foot. In a city. In the dream, I didn't feel particularly overwhelmed. I decided a train would be a good idea. I ran into two girls I had met recently, one of them very friendly. I remember a feeling of warmth toward them, even the one whose face I didn't pay much attention to. They immediately wanted to help me. But none of us had money for the train. We then decided to take a bus (?). On the way to the bus, I ran into someone whom I had met recently as well... a red haired guy. He was setting up some equipment -- maybe a musician or tech or movie crew? I could feel that he liked me and wanted to be around me. I could see it in his eyes. During none of this did the kayaks ever "feel" like a burden. I woke up.

As always, I pay attention in dreams to how I am feeling about the situation and people, then consider possible symbology. But this dream is obvious to me.

Here I was with a burden to carry, and a task I needed to carry out. I was met along the way by people who wanted to help, and when they couldn't help, yet another person to help. And all the while, I was not worried. My friend Marianna read that kayaks represent emotional balance. I think balance is definitely the message here, evidenced by my lack of any worry or feeling of burden despite having TWO kayaks to carry.

This is The Universe telling me I spend far far too much of my attention and energy worrying about getting things accomplished. I really do... I think about all the things unfinished, and how I'm going to get to them, and how I'm going to make them happen. I obsess about it a bit. But... truthfully... if I reach an impass or am in trouble or need help, there will always be someone there to help.

The fact that the people in the dream were distant, rather than close friends, tells me there is no short supply of good people in the world... (a reason, a season, a lifetime).

Honestly.. it will take a lot of effort on my part to change this about myself. I am a worrier and a planner. Not always the best combo. But I remember in that dream the feeling of not being worried about making the kayak delivery happen. It was just this point on the horizon where something would happen, and I was working forward toward it. My focus was on the moment and the people.

This sort of realization applies to so many things... my novel/getting published for example. I need to quit focusing on the arrival of the kayak, and just get it there. The kayak is about balance. Rather appropriate.

Message receieved.

~Shephard :)

No More Rehearsing and Nursing Our Parts

2011-11-21T17:28:00.000-08:00

I would love to magically wave a wand of knowledge and impart hard-earned experience to those younger peeps out there... can I call you peeps? Great. A big warm hello, Peeps.

Here's my free advice:

Pay attention to people who drain you and who don't don't love you for who you are.

Stop putting up with the gross-selfishness that masquerades as "obligation."

Stop enabling and indulging those people.

Stop bobbing in the water, and start making waves. Big waves. Waves that send those people packing.

If you have to work with them, or live with them, bide your time. Learn from it. But think about how you feel when you're around specific people. If you feel drained, there's a reason. Listen to your gut. Set boundaries. Make the choices, or they will continue to make them for you.

No one is entitled to the real estate that is your life.

It's yours. And access is earned, not obliged.

"Shephard, what on earth prompted this?"

Well, Faithful Reader, it's been a long time coming, but what trigged my resolve was something seemingly unrelated.

A dear friend of mine took a tumble down stairs, incurring frontal lobe trauma, and has spent a month+ recovering in the ICU. He is recovering, but still has a ways to go. This event was a sobering splash of cold water for me. I love him dearly, I miss him, I am sending him energy daily, writing him weekly, willing that sweet, kind, funny soul to bounce back soon. And he seems to be on just that course. But I realized... my god, life is so precious. I owe it to my dear friend, Marty, not to take life for granted.

Life is sometimes a distraction from living. We hear this all the time: this is not a rehearsal.

We know we should *make a parade of every moment* ... but when you see someone you dearly love come to a grinding hault... your heart is saturated with their reality. It becomes real for you too.

Oh, I know it's complicated.

And I know I'll backslide once in a while when it's something particularly difficult.

I'll chooes my battles, weathering the lesser storms without much concern.

And I'll continue to cut slack judiciously and empathetically to those who don't mean harm.

But I have learned in the last decade to set firm boundaries with the sheep who like to jump them. And what I have to show for this is a relatively peaceful, enjoyable life, surrounded by genuine friends who have become family.

Marty's situation reminds me not to waste Time (captial T) and Energy (capital E).

I feel like I've been rehearsing this part my whole life.

I know me. I know my part. Now I'm ready to go on with the show.

~Shephard

Fog of Gratitude

2011-11-14T17:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes,

Gratitude comes in

like a fog

and gratefully smothers all my worries.

I'm having one of those moments, as I sit in my office.

My new (ish) office.

I wish I could bottle this moment, a moment full of optimism. It makes me so happy to be in here, and to be working on two of my projects. To have an office space that's both cheerful and calming (as some of my friends have noted) really buoys my spirit not matter what I'm tackling. Even better, I finally have a space I can actually share with others, visitors or my writing/creative partners, Kellie and Elissa. :)

I've read many times about how the space you're in can either support or hinder.

I'm so fortunate to have an office I that supports.

The frames on the wall... Pottery Barn Teen... each glass frame pops forward, so you can easily slide in or out the photo that's in it. I can change them as often as I please! I'm using them for playbill covers at the moment. The colored paper between (astrobrite) is actually what I took with me when Ruth and I went searching for the couch fabric. Matched it exactly.

Bamboo floors. Lacquer cabinet and desk and shutters.

Looking back toward my desk, a daylight photo, that shows the rest of the space, and also how much the color of my sofa changes with the light (and my messy desk)....

Yes. That's a real rotary telephone. In aqua. Refurbished. Found in a fab retro shop.

Above, you can see the actual colors of the glass globes on the lamps.

The funky aqua object on the coffee table... is full of candy. :) For guests.

(right, Shephard).

* * *

Another friend is moving away.

Unreal. But. It's likely temporary.

I'm okay, maybe because my other friend in the hospital is finally coming round and healing from the head trauma. So scary. In light of that, everything is so minor.

So today, I have too much gratitude to worry about the future. If I could bottle this, I would, and I'd send it to each of you. But I think that's the trick really... whenever you are sidetracked by worries, finding a gratitude moment or memory is the beacon in the fog.

Thank you all for the comments on the last post. So kind.

I'm fast at work with Kellie on our fun project that we'll be pitching to a very fun and creative movie studio (not the Mouse) very soon. It's a fun adventure for me, and I find that it's liberating in ways I didn't expect. I will likely share those perspectives.... soon.

~Shephard :)

So. Much. Change.

2011-11-07T15:23:00.000-08:00

The wind has been sucked out of my sails lately.

I find myself in a lull ... a vacuum..... is this all there is?

I never thought I'd be a person asking that. Because... the all that is, is pretty spectacular.

I have gratitude for what is... yet I miss what was.

I've wanted to write a blog post so many times the last month, and then realized, I can't write that. Normally... I'd be creative about it. I'd find away. But.... well, lack of wind in the sails.

I used to come up with ideas for posts, regular themes for certain week days, etc. I usually manage to turn every life lesson into an opportunity to share and reflect. But lately, I'm just so tired. And I'm not even sure who's listening out there anymore. Because I've been so distracted, and not kept the ball rolling.

I'll share why. Because that's the spirit of this blog.

Lately:

We're finally finished with the exhausting list of house-fixes. They went on too long. I got tired. But there's never anything that huge to do again for the house. So, it was worth it to get it all out of the way.

Losing Golly this year, our dear funny little cat, was so much harder on us then losing our two 18-year old cats last year. I miss him. He was only 10. Way too young.

And adding Chloe-kitten to our house, tho a barrel of laughs, has proven a tad stressful. And her health has been a minor issue stressing us. As is her constant tendency to ransack, pillage and plunder. She's a sweet little thing, despite her mischief, and we are grateful that she pulled Oboe out of his depression.

A dear friend is in the hospital, with a long road to recovery. I think I'm still in shock a bit. He makes me laugh. I miss him. I'm worried about him. We just have to wait it out. But I'm left with the realization that people come and go so quickly, and we really must appreciate them. This year has been a year of loss and gain.

My mom had pneumonia. Yet again. She just turned 82 yesterday. She keeps on ticking. But....

I dread the future a bit... because of all the departures. I need to quit thinking like that.

I generate a lot of support for others. Some weeks, I don't have enough left over.

I miss my friend who moved away.

B is too valuable at work. They just won't let him rest.

I miss my friend who is so so busy.

Yet another friend got a new job farther away... probably won't get to see him much now.

I'm angry at a friend who had a melt-down, and changed everyone's lives. Yet so grateful!

I'm still adjusting to knowing one friend will never really be there. Must embrace that.

So much change.

This wonderful house, it brings me peace. I walk thru it, and I feel myself breathe deeply. Yet... we imagined we'd be sharing with our dearest friends... as it turns out, change has scattered so much and so many. And I remember... oh yeah, I knew I'd have to become the fulcrum to hold us together. I need more energy to do that. I'll find it. I remember just not too long ago... we had a tight circle of special friends. Things feel scattered now. Must pull them together. Because, as I get older... I'm just not willing to put up with all the baggage most people fling around... must cherish the friends who have their baggage under control.

I'm trying. I'm organizing a cruise for next year. Trying to get them on board, pun intended.

So much change.

Some promise on the horizon...collaboration with a dear friend is proving to be a spirit-raiser.

Thanksgiving with friends... will help a lot. Looking forward to that. So much to be thankful for.

Christmas is coming. If you know me at all, you know there's nothing quite like Christmas to add wind to my sails. I saw a pin on pinterest the other day... "Glitter is my Prosac." That may be slightly more true this year. New house, midcentury modern, demands a different style. I'm doing aqua and tangerine and silver and green. Latest quest: must find some tangerine orange ornaments. I already deflowered my local Target of all their aqua oraments. :)

Oddly, I feel better for having shared. Of doubtful use for the reader, but I guess I'm allowed one or two of these posts a year. ;)

I vow to myself to blog more. For me. Or at least not give up on the blog without a fight. :)

~Shephard :)

The Dowdy Shirt Syndrome

2011-10-03T14:47:00.000-07:00

dow·dy (doud)

adj. dow·di·er, dow·di·est

1. Lacking stylishness or neatness; shabby: a dowdy gray outfit.

2. Old-fashioned; antiquated.

n. pl. dow·dies

A dowdy person; a frump.

That's the way I felt when I put on the shirt.

I felt like it looked old and unflattering. I was about to change, when I looked more closely at the shirt I was wearing. Nice color, fabric in good shape, no visable wear or lightened pigment, somewhat flattering (as much as I can expect of a shirt), in truth, it looked okay. But I felt dowdy in it. Why?

It was a year or more old.

I had worn it a lot.

And THAT was the only reason I felt dowdy in it.

Not very realistic or accurate really.

I began to wonder how often this perspective made me see the world unrealistically or inaccurately. Do I do this with other things? Things that seem inappropriate or unfitting simply because I'm used to them...or I've been with them a longer time?

This tendency is so common, we have a dozen expressions that lend themselves to it... "The grass is always greener," "The 7-year Itch," "One man's junk is another man's treasure," etc.

My focus needs to be dusted off and freshened up.

I have a chance to de-gay one of my novels to pitch to a major production company unrelated to The Mouse. I hate to do this... it feels like being pushed back into the closet, or rather, made invisible. But, it's a great opportunity (how many millions of people have uttered those words, I wonder...?).

And then there's my 1st novel... my 1st born, the special one. I still want it to be published. It's really good (based on reading what's out there for gay people, especially). Every time I seek publishers, I am disheartened by their focus though: if it's gay, it has to be porn. Sounds like an exaggeration, doesn't it? It's really not. I need to forge ahead regardless. If I GIVE them something other than the usual, they'll have to make a choice. If I don't give them a choice, they'll never have a choice or an opportunity to stretch. I do myself and future authors a disservice if I don't forge ahead.

It's all perspective. The struggle feels old to me. Dowdy. But... life has surged onward, the world has changed, and I need to catch up mentally and emotionally and socially. Is it dowdy? Or is it just my perspective?

A favorite quote from a oft-overlooked movie with some profound messages:

The Abyss... Lyndsey worries that Bud's perspective is being skewed by those around him. She says:

"We all see what we want to see. Coffey looks and he sees Russians. He sees hate and fear. You have to look with better eyes than that."

Time to look with better eyes.

~Shephard

Teetering

2011-09-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

Willy Wonka: And Charlie: don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he'd ever wished for.

Charlie Bucket: What happened?

Willy Wonka: He lived happily ever after.

But I bet he still had to work at it!

I think being tired is the number one enemy of all happiness and acheivement. The kind of tired that breeds apathy, that drains drive. The kind that kills belief.

Look at young people. So driven, so unspoiled in the way of experience. They don't have enough defeat to have their edge worn away. I began thinking about that... and ... it's not a physical thing most of the time. It's totally attitude. Attitude is just a way of saying what we choose to believe.

There's a reason people say belief is everything. Belief, or faith (really strong belief) keeps us motivated and moving forward. For years, I let my attitude stop me from trying. It killed my drive to try. My own choice of attitude. Choice. What I chose to believe... killed my own momentum and drive. But then I woke up.

Even tho I know all this... I still linger on the borderline between giving up and believing some days. Teetering. I'm convinced now that it's just because I'm tired. It takes a lot of energy to believe. It takes no energy to be negative and cynical. Some days I have plenty of energy to believe. But lately, I'm just tired. I took a small break from believing. I ate things I shouldn't eat, stopped walking as much (because of my fractured toe), and in general, gave up for a little while, and used my energy to make it from January to September. I did it. I'm here. Oh, but now I have to get momentum going again.

Funny thing is... I always did believe. And I got a short story published, after all. I believe that there's an audience for my writing out there. But it's not going to come to my door. I need to get moving and apply myself. If only I weren't so tired. If only the doorbell wouldn't ring 3 times a day (not kidding). If only it was a different world and a different situation and a different reality. Aha. Sily me. I know better. Time to embrace what is.

I'm a firm believer...in embracing the reality of what truly is... instead of chasing what you wish it was.

I live in a world where publishers would rather I be JK Rowling and supply them with page-turning heterosexual young-adult novels. I live in a world where other people are finding ways around this limitation EVERY day. I live in a world where some people choose to make life an exhausting race against time... while others choose to accept the days that come, going with the flow, working with the system. I live in a world where I can choose.

I choose to rest. And then I will choose to get my butt in gear.
Carpe (that) Diem. Soon. The 4th of the Four Agreements: Always do your best (and that will change from day to day).

Today it's okay to be tired. I'm hoping tomorrow, between meetings and doorbells, I will find a moment of energy to move forward.

~Shephard :)

The Acceptable Assumption

2011-09-05T10:18:00.000-07:00

Exhaustion is actually a very frustrating but valuable friend to me.
Or so I found out.

I have a tendency to jump right in and organize (control). This came in SOOOO handy when it came to our massive yard renovation. Little did I know that things would get so out of control, and the exhaustion would take over the reigns, giving me... space... and peace.

Such a hard one of the Four Agreements sometimes.
Don't Make Assumptions. I have to be perfectly honest and say that had I not made assumptions about things that were and were NOT happening to get our yard completed, things simply would have fallen apart, gone wrong or would have to be fixed or redone (that happened anyway).

But I drew this card above... DISCERN the truth. Discern. Seems like discerning the truth and making assumptions can share a grey area. If you're perfectly balanced and not emotionally sucked into what's happening, it's likely very easy to decide if you are discerning or assuming. But in the chaos of our yard with electricians, plumbers, gas-people, lock smiths, carpenters, engineers, welders, landscapers and steel fabricators in the mix... well, let's just say after a few months, my knee-jerk reaction from experience became making assumptions. Often I was right. Once in a while, not so much.

What I learned... is that... making assumptions is going to happen. It's even necessary, in my opinion I know that flies in the face of The Four Agreements, but I think it's just word semantics that make it seem that way. DISCRENMENT of the situation and facts. Or even... discerning whether the assumptions are clouded by emotional assumptions. That would have helped me even that much more.

Eventually, I became so exhausted that I just "let go" a bit. And when mistakes happened, I jumped on them to resolve. But letting go helped me be more peaceful. Exhaustion can extinguish drama as well. The less assumptions I made, the more peaceful I was. Though it didn't always prevent scenarios that might have been avoided if I'd made the assumptions. I mean let's face it, after someone disappoints you 3 times in a row, you're going to assume they'll do it again. And I was right, mostly. The emotional attachment to it is hard to avoid. So sometimes I assumed incorrectly. The less balanced I am, the more likely I am to assume incorrectly.

Discernment. How emotionally upset or fired up am I? That's often an indicator as to how accurate my discernment (assumption) is.

I hope I can remember this the next time. Discernments are just balanced assumptions. These kinds of assumptions are to be utilized ever so sparingly, by double-checking my emotional attachement and judgement of the person/situation.

~Shephard :)

All That Glitters is Not Gold

2011-08-29T18:08:00.000-07:00

As we threw our small house-warming get-together recently, surrounded by loving friends who were so happy for us in our home, I couldn't help but think how little even some of our closest friends were aware of what was required of us to get this far.  I'm sure it looks quite effortless to most people who know us. Perhaps because we are so positive-minded. But it was an exhaustingly long haul to get to this point.

Neither of us dreamed that getting what we set out to create would be so utterly draining and would strip away so much of the serenity of our lives.   I remember watching bios on, for example, celebrities, whose lives run away with them, and I certainly rarely ever felt what I would describe as "deep sympathy" for them. And I don't want or expect sympathy from anyone either. But the insight I've gained is a perspective shared by few.  I feel like if I do share this (despite how personal), maybe someday someone out there in blogland will read it and feel comforted and gain some insight of their own.

It's funny how the lives of others are so often mirrors for us to learn from.
When we traveled to Australia with a certain very sweet celebrity duo, we got glimpses into their lives that made more of an impact on me than either of them will ever realize.

For starters, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, after seeing what they must go through, I don't begrudge them any of their demands, requirements or eccentricities. They are commodities, and it seems as though people are looking out for them, but truly, when it comes down to it, it's a business and they are stuck carving out whatever peace, privilege and happiness they can carve amidst the push-me-pull-you of celebrity. Might sound a bit schmalzy, but I hope they can guard some corner of themselves and never lose the genuine sweetness I got glimpses of.

We got to get off the Hollywood Train for a while. But they're permanent passengers. I totally see how people get dependant on drugs and addictions and scandals in the process, or give it up and drop out of the public eye. Through a very small window, I was able to glimpse and experience some of what they must deal with in addition to what B has to deal with to make the entire film. It exhausted both of us (granted it was 2 films in a row). I don't know how they manage it as a constant necessary evil. I could see when they were tired. I could see them retreat a bit. I understood maybe more than they realized.

I have watched myself go through a gamut of reactions over the past 4 crazy years: from elation and deep gratitude and generosity to resentment and anger and helpless resignation. But always, I return to my center of gratitude. Sometimes, the highs are as high as the lows are low, but we couldn't have one without the other. Most of what happened to us was because of conscious choices on our part. So there you have it. We may not have known what sleeping in those beds would feel like, but we made them and had to lie in them. I wouldn't trade any of it, no matter how stressful and exhuasting. I like where we are right now. It was totally worth it.

If you've read this far, I hope you got something from all this.  Perhaps it's the realization that everyone, no matter how glittery gold their lives look, is dealing with their own relative bundle of challenges. It's definitely one of the things I learned as I process these 4 years.

Even tho Blondie is past-tense, the effects linger. B has become someone different at work. His job entails so much more responsibility than is obvious to most, and it continues to impact our lives each week.  We've learned so much, but the entire process has changed us irrovocably. Priorities. What we allow ourseleves to willingly suffer in the way of others has changed dramatically.

We'll feel rested soon, and enjoy the plateau until it's time to gear up for the next onslaught. So much to do between now and then. We'll continue to "...make a parade of every moment." Must squeeze as much joy and adventure out of life as we can.

I'm betting those who sustain... have figured it all out and found a way to stay buoyant. Like Genghis Khan said: If you can't find a way, make one. I look back, and that's what we've been doing. You make the road by walking on it.

~Shephard :)

Bulletin Board in the Clouds

2011-08-15T10:44:00.000-07:00

I've had the overpowering urge to unclutter my life lately.
I discovered something fun and innovative that anyone can use to add a little creativity and focus to life. But I'll get to that.

If you were to see my office (and you will see it soon, when the rest of the furniture arrives), it would look a bit cluttery at the moment. The Container Store is one of my favorite stores. I love a place for everything, and everything in its place. My office is in flux til the furniture arrives. Things that are cluttering my world are books and papers and things that don't have a home. Soon, they have a home.

Frozen. I need to unfreeze everything.
On my computer, I keep folders and folders and folders full of artwork and quotes and images and photos and information that is inspiring or useful. Chaos, no matter how I label and bury the folders.

Along comes Pinterest.

Have you heard of it?
Imagine having an unlimited amount of virtual bulletin boards to keep track of everything you find and want to remember! You join the Pinterest community (no Kool-Aid involved), and they show you how to one-click install a simple "pin it" function onto your computer browser. From that point forward, you can pin any idea or image or info to any of your virtual boards. In any category, or make one up and name your own board!

I think its potential is under-appreciated, under-used and under-shared.
Here is a simple cross-section of some of my boards. You can't see everything on each board. just the 9 most recent things I posted, but you get the gist. If you were on Pinterest tho, you could open up my boards and view everything. You can share, re-pin it your own boards, leave a comment, like it, etc.

In looking through my computer, I find hundreds of photos I've saved from the internet for future reference or just because I like them. These images wouldn't be cluttering my computer if stored on Pinterest. In addition to that, I can create boards for future ideas and products that I like, and even tho it's just an image on my board, there's always a link burried that will take me back to where I first found the image. I'll never lose the info that way.

Here's an example of opening up my "Imaginary House" board that I created. It's simply images of homes and decor that I love... for future reference.

Everything from products in the home to plants in the yard, to doors and drapes and furniture, or even color palettes, or just a photo of a home I love. Anything I want.

One of my favorite boards is my Words and Quotes board. I love collecting quotes or sayings that make me think, make me remember priorities, or even make me laugh. If I can find a visual for them, I can keep them all in one place. You'l also note with the board open, you can see the titles of my other boards, and see icons for others whom I visit.

Here's an example (above) of a friend's boards. The ideas are limitless really.

One board I am planning to do is more like a vision board. A board that keeps me focused on things I want to do and accomplish. I like the idea of a board that helps me focus on what I want to create in my life. But I'd also add to it things I already have and want to maintain. I think I'll call it my "Quality of Life" board. Yes. That will be my next board, I think.

Like any tool, it's what you make of it. But I see it helping me get organized and find things more easily. Not to mention the endless potential to discover new things.

I like that it's organizational. I like that I can explore boards in an amazing array of categories. I like that it can be social. I like that I can share anything I pin on FB as well. Or not. The choices are all mine. And I get to share. Brilliant.

~Shephard :)

Mighty Anthills

2011-08-08T14:53:00.000-07:00

My perspective is so screwed up the last couple days.
And I have no excuses but exhaustion really.

I've had some pretty good reminders lately that my problems are anthills compared to most people's mountains. But sometimes your problems look bigger to you because you lack a larger problem to put it into perspective. That's why we are surrounded by others with varying levels of issues and problems. To offer us perspective.

Laura Branigan's "SELF CONTROL" just came on my iTunes library.
I get the message. I need to be my own best parent.

My problems are so easy. So simple.
I need to embrace them, hold them closely and really appreciate them for their diminutive, temporary placement in my life. Anthills look like MOUNTAINS to the ants, but to others with bigger mountains, they are just anthills. I need to be grateful for my anthills. It's what that book is always telling us, really... Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's almost ALL small stuff. Almost.

In retrospect though... being pumeled by a bunch of small stuff can feel like a hail-storm. I've been waiting (more or less patiently) for it to stop, enduring and trying to keep my attitude above the positive equator line. End is in sight.

Today's lesson is brought to you by rampant lack of professionalism and/or apathy/incompetence in the craftsman and service industry.

And I'm grateful to learn it in manageable doses.

~Shephard

Protecting What I Care About

2011-08-01T11:03:00.000-07:00

I have been surrounded by situations where someone else "drops the ball" repeatedly. It's a 3-part recipe of disrespect, incompetence and negligence. But that's not what this post is about. It's about what is really going on. When something continuously happens, I tend to look for something valuable in the experience for me to examine/learn.

Things get resolved eventually.

So there's the bigger lesson here:

No matter how f'ed up some people or situations are, they can't touch your Highest Good. I believe this, because time and again, I've seen things eventually right themselves and work in the direction I needed most (even if I didn't realize I needed that direction). This whole thing is about trusting and keeping the eye on the big picture.

The energy and attitude you put out there has a way of difusing and repelling those who don't mesh what what you're doing/creating. Their efforts and attitude stand out like a sore thumb against what you're trying to create. It's like a big ole sign post from the Universe saying "Pay attention, this doesn't match up, keep your eye on this, and take care of it."

But we get mad instead of just focusing on the task at hand: protecting what we care about. Eventually, things fall into resolve and those causing the problems are repelled.

I could have a cow. I had one Thursday.

We all get angry once in a while. We're human. I could be resentful and holier-than-thou, and cop an attitude of me against them, and feel all justified and victimized. But protecting what I care about is MY job, not theirs. Having a cow wastes my energy. Imagine a world of people who were proactive about getting what they need out of life, with expectations and attitudes placed on the back burner!

Back to reality.

No matter the incompetence of others, I have always been okay in the past, and will likely be okay in the future. The odds are in my favor. I panic or get angry because I feel like I am losing control. That's an illusion, because we never have control over those people to begin with. I will create what I need to happen, one way or another.

What I have learned from the unusual amount of stress B & I have dealt with the past 4 years, is that the best defense is no defense (all those books on Taoism I read stick with me). I wasted too much energy complaining, too much energy freaking out, giving things much more importance and drama than they deserve. If I calmly look to the future, I know it will be the way I need it to be eventually. Embracing the way the world works is easier and more peaceful, even if it isn't always pleasant. I'm verbal about what I need, and I try to look for opportunities and choices that swing things back the direction I need them to go.

It's not always a pleasant journey, protecting what you want/need.

But I read something recently. "Nobody ever said life was easy…they just promised that it would be worth it." (Harvey MacKay). It's totally worth it.

Things will get done when they get done.

Oboe is sick. He will be get better.

The yard is not finished due to incompetence.

B's job is a pain in the ass lately. It'll pass.

We're both tired. We will be fine. We'll be rested again soon.

Life is still good.

And I'll continue to do my job: protecting what I care about.

~Shephard :)

Chloe

2011-07-24T13:58:00.000-07:00

A furry little angel was born March 15th, 2011.

Her mission: be a lovable smoochy spazz

and cheer B&S

and be a best buddy to Oboe.

Pretty Girl.... Silver Tabby & White. :)

She likes to get up close and personal...

...and insists on having clean fums.

She loves Oboe, and vice versa. They play together daily.

The New Kitten Bed by Canon.

For your favorite little Copy Cat.

She's the perfect addition to any deskset...

...enjoys lime green chairs and kitty massage.

...and matching spotted beds

and playtime with buddy Oboe...

Likes to be picked up and carried. . .

... keeps an eye on her dads in the yard...

And promises to be ...

just what we needed in our lives.

We love her dearly already, and hope she'll

be with us for a couple decades at least.

~Shephard

My So Called Yard

2011-07-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

We're renovating our back yard. Big time.

Right now, we have lots of dirt, and some plants... lighting, irrigation soon. Ground cover and pebbles and whatnot. It had a pool, and lots of cement to start with, and a very messy sideyard. But what do you do with all that? So many choices. We're happy with the directions we're going. I don't have any photos yet, cuz it's a mess... it definitely does not look like this:

But I can share ideas and choices, and interesting photos.

We're doing a fire pit. Not too unlike the one below:

Lots of choices for the fire-tempered glass rocks that go in it... I wonder what color Shephard chose? (they don't make purple).

There will also be a fountain (think, modern, metal wall with colored trays spilling water into a basin).

We're excited, but the renovation has been under way since late January. Oy.

This week I've been looking for outdoor couches and lounge chairs and tables etc.

Thought I'd share my exploration of the wild array of things people can put in their yards.

For our four lounge chairs (chaise) we chose the soon to be defunct Alfresco line from CandB. Photo below is the lounge, with the Cayenne colored cushion (matches our orange striped C&B umbrella). I include the photo above that shows what's UNDER the cushion: their "natural finish" lounge-chair slats (it's actually not wood, but a poly!).

I love this magenta bench... I'm still thinking, because it might actually look nice with two chairs we bought....

These chairs, in lilac (pictured). They're called "Forest Chairs." We love them. We got two and will put a little table between. :)

Our yard is very midcentury, very Palm Springs. So that means there are a lot of designs and styles we just can't do... like this....

And then there's the set below which is just TOO modern and strange for me.

Blech.

But I love this... wish we had the room to do this:

And things like this... belong beach-side, or at least ocean-view:

I love these... strange shape maybe, but very cozy and private:

If this were a color, I'd love it:

I don't know what to make of this. I guess... it might look fun in an Asian themed yard, maybe. Very odd and complicated.

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers?

But our actual conversation area of the yard, with a firepit, is based on this magazine photo.It will be very close to this. We don't have the white stucco of course. But... we are using that wood... Ipe -- "ee-pay" (a Brazilian farmed teak, hard wood).

They say we are maybe 3 weeks from completion. Good gravy, I hope so.

I promise to share fun photos! :)

Hope everyone's Sunday is peaceful/fun/restful.

B did a new icon for me today. And I've changed a few things visually on the blog here to reflect some of the changes. Did you notice? :)

~Shephard :)

Cat People vs. Dog People

2011-07-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

We've had workers in the house and yard since January. Yesterday, there were 21 different people working in the yard throughout the day.

But... regardless of how this makes us feel, the world is the same world.

And yet we feel like our lives are chaos!
But that really isn't true.

What's true is that things are a mess, dissheveled and chaotic: our schedules, our yard, my desk, our communication with all these people occasionally. . . but not our lives. Not the world. Not reality.

Really, not much has changed.
Well, except for this:

(Chloe is adjusting to her new home quite well, and Oboe loves her. But that's a story for another post. )

I started thinking about people who believe that life is Chaos (random/no meaning) vs. people who believe in Order (things that happen have a purpose and a meaning). It's rather like the difference between Cat People and Dog People.

Dog People... have faithful, dependable, reliable, loyal companions, who follow their lead with little question, who bend to their lives and their wills. It's pretty much "Leader of the Pack" and the Dog Person is pretty much 100% in charge. Unwavering devotion to one perspective, one leader, one follower.

Cat People... are comfortable with the independance of cats -- it's not about control and obedience but rather a bit of sharing of wills and intentions. Cats do what they do, and Cat People adjust. Cat People do what they do, and the cats adjust. Ultimately, there is a measure of control, but cats cannot be controlled 100% and Cat People embrace that. Devotion to one perspective not needed.

Likewise....
Those who believe in a random life of chaos where nothing has meaning... have a philosophy that explains everything and nothing, one that suits them no matter what happens to them, versatile and comforting, and requires no understanding and no change in their behavior. Life follows the leader, no adaptation of perspective required. Just like Dog People.

Those who believe in a reality of order and meaning, have to adjust and adapt and accept the independence of reality ... with a heightened importance placed on perspective... a sharing of wills and intentions... Just like Cat People. They embrace what Reality is, and find their comfort in perspective.

No value judgements are intended on either. Just perspective. .

But Reality ... is not really as random when you are able to separate yourself from the things in motion in your life. And Reality... is certainly not meaningful unless you pay attention to how it impacts your life through perspective.

EDIT: Of course this is a metaphor, and is not really about who likes dogs and who likes cats... or animals at all. It's about people who feel the need to see the world as black and white. The more sure someone is about life's answers, the less sure I am of that person. A balance of both perspectives is likely the best medicine.

Confusing? I think we need to add another animal metaphor.

Fish are in The Stream, and can swim where they want to... but... The Stream is going to go where it goes... the fish doesn't have to understand that. But it would sure help the fish make better choices if he did.

Our life only looks like chaos. There's plenty of meaning and order found in perspective.

~Shephard :)

Respecting the River's Course

2011-07-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

The River of Life finds resolve in its natural course...

Gotta love facebook.

It opens wide the door to multiple daily chances to interact with people you might not otherwise.

This week's snafu was caused because I remove things someone posted on my profile page. I keep my page clean. Oh, I do leave a random post by someone else, a video, an info alert, but mostly, I respond to posts, and then a few days later, I remove posts by others.

It's nothing personal. I think it's partially because I don't like everyone seeing every conversation or interaction I have with everyone, and partially just a tidying thing. But... facebook is a window into my life, and frankly, some of the people I've friended are acquaintences and haven't earned the right to see and read everything that's going on in my life, or wouldn't even understand some comments from my close friends.

So.... we got back from a 10-day visit with relatives, Golly had just died, we weren't in good spirits, an acquaintence made a comment about a TV show on my page. I didn't respond, and after a day or so took it down, and thought, I'll just respond in a nice note. When I removed the post ...he replaced it with a neutral but dejected comment on my page. I responded, mentioned Golly dying and our 10 day "vacation" and how thrashed we were. No response from him. I removed that post. He then unfriended me, and now refuses to answer email or accept the above explanation.

I realize that it's for my own good, for the better.

Because altho I have absolutely NOTHING against this person, I've always known we don't connect on any deep levels. This person reacting so extremely is a wonderful sign post from the Universe: "Your intuition about this person was right on the nose; there's no deep connection there."

And yet the drama of it still makes me want to resolve it.

Not the friendship. But the misunderstanding. The unresolve.

My friend Wendy and I always talk about our compulsion to resolve things... it sometimes makes things worse or at the least, cements our involvement. The compulsion is the hope that you can make the person understand, that you can say the right thing, and they will understand. But... I've learned over the last decade or so, that I should first evaluate the relationship and decide if it's worth the outlay of energy and investment... especially if the person shows no signs of adult resolution skills.

I like a tidy life. I always try to resolve. Even against better judgment sometimes.

The fact that this trivial situation is enough to end a friendship illustrates the value he placed on my friendship. And that's okay. It has nothing to do with me. It's his value system ...and I have my own. We're not ALL meant to be best buddies. Call it Natural Selection... the natural course of the river. I am protected by these natural laws.

You can't make people understand.

Many people in history have nobly died trying.

For me, this week's message is loud and clear:

Who you are...and who they are... will make the relationship take its natural course, just like a river, if you learn when to resolve, and when to step out of the way.

And no matter how much you interfere, no matter how much you invest or try... the river will find a way to get where it was going in the first place.

~Shephard :)

Good God, Y'all

2011-07-07T16:23:00.000-07:00

We were poolside, relaxing in our purple adirondacks on Saturday, reading quietly, practicing for our [distant] old age. B was finishing Frank Herbert's Dune (re-reading), and I was reading a book that was both comforting and unsettling: It was called Good Without God: What A Billion Nonreligous People Do Believe. We didn't stay quiet for long.

I didn't know that Secular Humanism includes beliefs that range from spiritual to atheist. From Atheist and Secular Humanist is quite the gamut for one category! Anyway, Humanists bascially believe people know good from bad independantly of the need for religion to define and police it. That's all. So far, this book (I'm not finished yet) is a defense against people pointing judgemental fingers at the nonreligious and saying they can't be "good" without religion.

Choosing to Believe

Ultimately, it's all about what makes you feel safe and comforted.

It's such a simple thing. I hope all of you reading this have beliefs that make you feel safe and comforted in your life. I do. For me, what I find reasonable and conforting is any belief that points me toward being a better person. And I choose to believe that whatever is (or isn't) controling the Universe is not likely to share the human foibles of bigotry, vanity and pettiness. (imagine that)

The author defines the dignity of being a good person as follows:

1. High Self-Awareness.

2. Willingness to assume responsibility for one's own life and aviod surrendering responsibility to any other person or institution.

3. Refusal to find one's identity in any possession or achievement (job, role, etc).

4. The sense that one's behavior is worthy of imitation by others.

Clearly, honesty with self is a given in using the above.

AND, #2 would be the biggest downfall in organized religious and political groups.

Let's be clear tho: #2 isn't saying that one doesn't listen and evaluate and agree with... it uses the word SURRENDER and RESPONSIBILITY.

I don't think I'd have thought of describing the sum total of these guidelines as "dignity," but it would seem that those 4 qualities move a person in the direction of goodness, compassion and responsibility. The things that dignify a human life.

The author's argument is that a person can be good without god.

And I agree.

What God Really Thinks

Who knows? If there is a god above, sitting on a lofty cloud, judging each and every one... it's ridiculous to ascribe negative human characteristics like VANITY to him. Let's take it literally: if you're a good and compassionate, kind and loving person... why wouldn't he want you in his heaven? Because you weren't sure he existed? Because you used your brain that he gave you and had doubts? Because you didn't have kids and fell in love with someone of the same sex? Do we personally think less of a sibling or friend who doesn't attribute all that they are to their father? No? Than why would God? That would be vanity. Christianity professes belief in a vain god. And they don't even realize it.

Myself, I don't have any problems until someone points a finger at me and says "You're not a good person because you don't believe what I believe." It's as simple as that.

Another surprise. Secular Humanism isn't new.

The following is ascribed to ancient Sanskrit peoples (Lokayata and Carvaka): Those who beg and berate and shame us to believe in "x" religion/belief almost always have their own self-serving agenda.

That level of awareness, that long ago. Amazing. In other words -- we are often asked to believe not because it's true or good, but because our support/allegiance/validation is important to those asking us. Imagine how illuminating it would be for everyone if we simply asked WHY a group or organization needed us to support and believe them? But I guess that would require we ascribe to at least guidelines 1 and 2 above.

I had a lovely conversation with a new friend yesterday.

And she said that since none of us can know anything for sure, why torture ourselves with the question of faith? It was refreshing to hear someone else echo the things I've been thinking about recently. Why not just say, the only thing that matters is what I leave behind.... a good, compassionate life that touched people and helped people. If there is a heaven and a god, that choice alone should be worthy of whatever entry to whatever goodness lies beyond this mortal coil. If there's not, we've made the world a better place.

I am not as arrogantly sure as some atheists I've met, or as ungroundedly poetic as some New Agers I've met, or as unquestioningly devout as some religious people I've met. I'm just not sure. And I'm just not sure it's important to be sure. I'm too busy trying to be a good person, as best I can.

Good Without God: What a Billion Nonreligious People Do Believe.

I hope there are a billion people who believe this. I really do.

~Shephard

No Matter the Soil

2011-06-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

Our 10-day whirlwind vacation to see 2 sets of relatives and The Great White Way turned out to be a real roller-coaster. And ... it has me thinking (quelle surprise).

Trying to think... can I talk about this?

I can't mention some details, but there are so many signs pointing my mind to its final conclusion.

I'll just say... 2 sets of unrelated relatives dealing with the same complications that arrise from loved ones getting older and dying/being close to dying. . . and one of the plays we saw on Broadway was about dying. And we recently experienced the death of a major relationship as well.

And then we lost little Golly while we were away.

His kidneys failed him. 9 years old. I share this not to pan for sympathy, because I don't need to .. that little guy was very popular, and the outpouring of sympathy was heartfelt and comforting. I have to laugh at how much that sweet little face captured people who were never lucky enough to actually meet him. The hole left by one little cat is enormous. We've loved each of our furry little ones to pieces, but Golly's passing knocked us for a loop.... too young. There is no making sense of it. His little body lasted 9 years, and we made the most of those 9 years.

We got in an airplane, and our lives were whole and balanced. We had two kitties we loved, and who loved us; it was our little family. And now, we can't seem to put it back together so easily. Our other kitty, Oboe, he's shaken. He hasn't left my side. He's sleeping between my keyboard and screen as I type this. This is the same little yellow guy who never missed a beat during all our many press junkets this last year. His little paw reaches out and grabs my thumb as I type.

You can't tell me he isn't affected, that cats don't feel loss. But that's another topic.

And before we even left... I unknowingly downloaded a novel to read on the plane, called "The Man Who Folded Himself"... which was ultimately about how much influence we have on Time. The way we choose to respond to change... what we can and can't change from now til our death. I am surrounded by what I'm supposed to be learning...and yet I feel like I haven't quite grasped it all.

Loss. It's fear of not being able to feel whole again.

Our lives were full. Our lives are now missing a piece.

I helped B feel better by reminding him and myself.... our lives are the same, we are just weathering a parade of events that are passing us by. But our lives are the same lives.

We just want to feel whole and balanced again. Time is precious. We can't waste it on being devastated by loss. We feel the feelings, embrace the loss, but don't stall out and dig in our heels. . . because that won't return anything to before. "We have to make it count. Make a parade of every moment."

Today is about birth. I looked up some cat breeders, contacted them, and we've started thinking of names. Some little guy out there needs a loving home. And some little guy here at home needs a playmate and sleepmate. We're riding the crest of the waves of what life has brought us...instead of waiting for the waves to die down. We may feel parched, but we will bloom no matter the soil.

~Shephard

Running for Office

2011-06-08T14:27:00.000-07:00

I am shopping for fun chairs for my office!

And storage and a couch and a desk.

My office now (above). Aqua walls.

The color is actually a Benjamin Moore color called "Fun and Games."

I am almost sure the sofa will be THIS COLOR below (but this is not the sofa design):

How Well Do You Know Me?

But now I have to find some fun chairs. Chairs will be complementary, but not the same color. Might go white fleather/vinyl. We'll see. Desk in the room will likely be white lacquer. :)

I have found some very interesting chairs.

See if you can figure out which of the following I'm gravitating to:

Confessional Chairs. Um. Ok.

I have to admit, I love this "ball chair."

Bookworm Chair. Cute. Needs an ottoman...

Interesting design.

Vibrant color!

FAIL. blech.

Well, it does look amazingly adjustable and comfy.

These Eames molded plywood chairs are SUPER COMFORTABLE. I love them.

I heart this chair.

I was in love with the idea and look of the Barcelona Chairs.

But... no back support. We sat in one for a while, at a house we rented in Palm Springs, and it was SO uncomfortable after 1/2 an hour. Maybe not if you're 22.

No. Just no.

Love the tailored look of this room.

Potato Bug Chair!! Fun!

Space at a premium?

Manhattan Skyline Chairs. How fun and theatrical!

Color! :) They look happy to me.

Spaceship chair...?

Swan Chairs. Typical Midcentury.

In the right room.... maybe with a white desk.

Elmo Chair! Cute and Muppety.

This is called a Papa Bear Chair.

I hate it. I think it is one of the ugliest chairs I've ever seen in my life.

Fun Pattern. Great for Midcentury. :)

I like the searching process. But... I like the finding process better. So we've hired an interior designer named Ruth from Sydney Australia. She's going to help us make some of our ideas happen! I love the way she thinks ("We can have things custom made for a lot cheaper than designer prices."). The adventure begins!

~Shephard :)

Whispers & 2x4's

2011-06-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

I read a book when I was just out of high school, by Shakti Gawain.
I think it was called Creative Visualization.
One of the things that stuck with me was the idea that Life sends us messages and sign posts along the way.

First it's an intuitional hit... an impulse to do something, ask for clarity, take care of something, be aware of something, change something. Miss O calls them "whispers."

Then if we ignore those, we start noticing the messages coming from outside us, other people, situations, "coincidences," mishaps caused by ignoring something. Like a tap on the shoulder really.

If we ignore those, we stronger and stronger messages. A nudge, a shout, a shove.

If we ignore those, then comes the 2x4 upside the head (the wake-up call).

Seems like a good system to me. Right up there with Natural Selection.

So I'm trying to remember to check in with myself weekly.
Ask myself... what are my whispers?

REALLY listening.
I've been focusing on really hearing what people are saying.
It's the best short-cut to understanding their actions, motives or choices. Because people do clearly tell you who they are, what they believe, what they want, what they will and won't do, if you pay attention.

Two of my favorite quotes:
"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say." (Emerson)

and....

"When people tell you who they are...believe them the first time." (Maya Angelou)

As a writer, I know how important subtext is.
Likewise, I've begun to realize that if I listen to what people are really saying underneath the words, I will be happier. It's not a mystical process. It's just thinking about WHY someone is saying WHAT they are saying WHEN they are saying it. REMEMBERING to do this is the hard part.

I guess I need more Practice People, Wendy. (wink)
My friend Wendy and I like to think of those who challange or inspire us to better choices are our Practice People. Because how else do you get good at doing difficult things other than to practice? We need those challenging or difficult personalities and situations in our lives, because without them, we can't learn to let them roll off our backs. Without practice, we're stuck on the treadmill of dramas and expectations and disappointments.

I want off that treadmill. Fastest way to avoid the 2x4's is listening to the Subtext of Life. The clues are all there in the Whispers.

(P.S..... thanks Wendy... I needed a reminder to define writer jargon: subtext means what is not being said).

~Shephard :)

My Life is My Talk Show

2011-05-30T16:07:00.000-07:00

I watched the final episode of O.W.

Had to. And I was feelin' it until the "J" word, but that's another topic.

What did really impress me was the central message of this last show:

My life is my Talk Show.

We don't realize the impact we have on each other. My friend Wendy told me about a man she smiled and waved at every morning for x years upon dropping her daughter off to school, and how he confided in her when he and his family were moving way ... that her smile and uplifting spirit really brightened his morning. And she never had the slightest hint... until he told her. And it makes me wonder.

"Everyone has a platform. Mine is a stage in a studio.

Yours is wherever you are, with your own reach." ~O.W.

That we make a difference in each other's lives should be enough.

I'm starting to relax into my life and realize that just being me is the best service I can provide. It's easy to be myself undiluted with those I love and trust. But it's even more important to safe little risks and be myself with strangers. Refuse to see the world as unsafe, but as a world of solvable problems.

Being me will always be part of the solution. Whatever the problem.

Being me is enough, and I realize... when I quit trying to please others and just be me, the others I attract are appreciative of the real me.

We all don't have a talk show that stirs controversial hornets nests or sends waves of education. But we are making a pretty good sized dent in the lives of everyone we know. And most of us don't even think about it.

"You also have to know what sparks the light in you so that you in your own way can illuminate the world. You have the power to change somebody's life." O.W.

And... that change comes not necessarily from magnanimous generosity or special pre-meditated planning or involvement... it comes from being who we are meant to be. At least, that's what I believe.

Are We Enough?

I was all excited to finish this post, feeling up from the tone, and then I had an "I am not enough" moment with someone. I often feel this way with specific people. So I should look at what it is I think I am missing by not being enough to them.

What am I missing?

Just validation! That's it. And they'd have to give this to me for me to stop missing it. Which means I'm setting myself up for failure right off the bat. I am enough. It's entirely possible I am not what they wish me to be or even need in their lives. But this is irrelevent to my question. I am always enough.

People cast us as they need and wish in The Movie of Their Lives. No need to take it personally, cuz we have very little control over it. It's just a part they cast us in, and it's not always even accurate.

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. ~e.e. cummings, 1955

He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away. ~Raymond Hull

Again: Being me is enough, and when I quit trying to please others and just be me, the others I attract will be appreciative of the real me. Doing otherwise is letting others be a giant distraction to being me. Which is my platform. My life is my talk show. What if O.W. had started trying to cater her shows to a different demographic than the obvious one that loves and appreciates her for who she is? That would be silly and likely fail, right? So why would I try?

I should just be happy with the talk show I've got. Just like O.W. Those who really appreciate me will tune in. And I can get on with being me, which is the best I have to offer you.

~Shephard :)

Little Smedley's Tour of The Great Ocean Road!!

2011-05-27T17:23:00.000-07:00

Every great road trip has to have a mascot, don't you think? We rescued Smedley from a Tourist Info Gift Shop in Melbourne... and knew he'd be the perfect tour guide along

The Great Ocean Road.

It was just two days really.... with a stop over in Lorne. But with the help of an event driver during the press junket, we got the scoop on how to tackle such a major road trip in 48 hours.

We had rain, sun, clouds, ocean, cliffs, forests, a kangaroo, snacks, shopping, a best buddy, and amazing vistas. The perfect road trip.

The highway decorations from Melbourne....

I could chart the whole thing for you... or just show you the amazing photos....

I think I'll do the latter...

There were many stops, and many surprises... always something to look at....

And the Aussie's take their signage very seriously...

A reststop area... painted with Aboriginal art... love it...

Driving along coastal cliffs... there's bound to be a lighthouse or two...

Smedley said it was definitely worth stopping... and he was right...

A lovely housey cottage along the road to the lighthouse...

Wow, right?

Back on the road with our trusty navigator, Smedley...

We stopped at a summery campsite along some bluffs....

We arrived at the township for the night.... and it was time to take a load off, after 5 hours of driving...

Smedley says real Aussies don't drink Fosters. They drink CROWN. We agree, it's a better choice.

Is this the strangest sand pattern ever?

No actually... the camera is sitting on top of the weathered picnic table...

We agreed.

Loved the bouquet like trees along the ocean

Smedley introduced me to the BEST CANDY BAR I'VE EVER HAD. Imagine a Mounds candy bar... flavored with cherry & coconut. Sigh.

We stopped for the night. Even Little Smedley had a comfy bed.

Flowers are extraordinary in Australia...

By far the biggest attraction on The Great Ocean Road are...

Oceany crags jutting up out of the splashing waves...

there used to be 12 of them, thus the name.

I think there are only 8 now.

But I was so busy gaping at the views, I didn't think to count!

"DIE"

(they don't kid around)

I loved the foliage and blooms...

It was a short walk from the visitor's center....

Oh, it's not so high up....

Oh.... wait...

Too windy and high for Little Smedley.

He stowed away inside my coat....

What's that way out there... some sort of promontory...? Are those people? (YES)

Yes. People. Way out on the tip.

Journey out had some stunning views and photo ops...

Who is that lime-green chap with Smedley?

Just wow.

Looking back at the cliffside we'd started on....

Next stop... quaint town with yummy food? Absolutely!

It was time to head back to Melbourne... long drive.

But a beautiful drive... !

Smedley would like to thank you all for letting him

give you all a brief tour of an amazing road trip!

~Shephard :)

* * *

Anyone interested in seeing

our other adventures in Austrlia,

click on these:

**Melbourne: What a City! Part 2**

**Melbourne: What a City! Part 1**

** The Last Mile (End of Press Tour in Australia) **

**Christmas in Australia: A US Perspective**

*** The Lights of Christmas (Sydney) ***

**BUCKET LIST ITEM: THOSE ADORABLE KOALAS!! **

*** A Day in the Life of SYDNEY! ***

**The House That Utzon Built (Sydney Opera House)**

I Can't Believe I Bought Into All That

2011-05-23T14:24:00.000-07:00

I read a book, and I felt like a pound of lies had been unraveled. It was such a nice feeling... I wanted to share with anyone interested.

The Culture of Fear:

Why Americans Are Afraid of the Wrong Things

by Barry Glassner (UPDATED for our POST 9-11 WORLD).

This book debunks with cold, hard, accurate factual information.

For example....

Anyone out there slightly nervous about flying in planes?

"In the entire history of commercial aviation, dating back to 1914, fewer than 13,000 people have died in airplane crashes. Three times that many Americans lose their lives in automobile accidents in A SINGLE YEAR. The average person's probability of dying in an air crash is about 1 in 4 million, or roughly the same as wining the jackpot in a state lottery." (CH 8).

The News and Media try to scare us so we'll watch and read them. They say things like.... "Airline Accident Rate is Highest in 12 years" ...when, the real facts are that more flights are taking off, so there are more accidents, but the likelihood of being in one of those accidents has decreased considerably. To quote the chapter: "Indeed, since the 1960's the volume of flights had more than doubled, yet the accident rate had gone down by 85%." ( !!! ).

This chapter also debunks the myth that it's less safe to fly in smaller planes, or that airlines are buying faulty parts for cheaper prices.

The book in general lifts the veil on calculated fear-mongering such as Cyber predators, Stealth Weapons, The War on Drugs, The War on Terror, Missing Children, Mold, Crack Babies, Teens having sex, Crime Rates rising, Increasing Youth Violence, Dangerous Ethnic Groups, Going Postal, Road Rage, TV is bad for children, Chemical sensitivity, Metaphoric Illnesses we are told are real, Breast implant dangers, Vaccinations/Innoculations being dangerous and Predatory Priests.... just to name a glut.

Be forewarned: The book can be a bit dry in the beginning, but I plowed through the few dry parts, and especially found the Post 9-11 sections and the section on disease fascinating and enlightening. I'm now more aware of all the fear we're carrying around with us, swallowing it by the spoonfuls from the media who just want us to stay tuned.

Here's how they hook you:

Statements of alarm by newscasters/reporters, testimonial from a wannabe expert (or worse, victim-turned wannabe expert) -- who are NOT the top of their field or properly creditialed, followed by sympathetic accounts and testimonials from real (victim) people that get us emotionally involved. If enough news and media jump on this, suddenly, it becomes real to all of us, and politicians and advocacy groups mobilize and spring up, laws get passed... it's amazing.

Sounds so obvious, doesn't it?

Yet, for example, people still think mold is a real cause for serious risk to your homes and health, right? Here in CA, we have to actually sign a mold clause in our real estate docs. It has become a real thing. But it's based on gross misinformation.

The media is selling, and we are buying. The by-product is wide-spread paranoia and fear that is not based in fact. And all of the above is costing us all a LOT of money.

Although not happy about the wasted money and dubious fear-mongering that isn't going to end any time soon... the book made me feel better about the world we live in.

The information took a weight off my shoulders I don't think I even realized was there.

If just one of you out there picks up the book and feels better for reading it, I'll be glad I shared.

I bought it for my iPad Kindle app, but it can be found in stores. Make sure you get the UPDATED version (red cover, post 9-11 update).

You can buy it * here* for $11. A small price to pay for disarming some of the false-fears that are calculated to keep us distracted.

~Shephard :)

Expect You To Be Who You Are... To Them

2011-05-09T07:02:00.000-07:00

How many posts have I talked about "Expecting them to be who they Are?"

One of life's major lessons for me.

People can't disappoint you by their choices and actions if you are expecting them to be who they are (at that point in their lives). Embrace their limitations. Embrace their priorities and values.... and know the choices they make are based on these priorities, not on your value. I don't mean sanctioning harmful or unkind choices, of course. I just mean the simple day to day realization of where people are in your life... and more importantly, where they are in THEIR lives. It's the easiest way to get off the Disappointment Train (powered by expectations).

And yet, again, I find a new layer to the impact this has on my life.

I realize the other side of the coin is just as important, and that I will be much happier if I learn to embrace who I am to them, as well.

Are you your mom's favorite child?

No? Embrace it. Embrace that you are playing the role SHE has cast you in, and you really can't force a change here... the real power comes in knowing that you are who you are, regardless of the role someone casts you in for their life movie. You are you... independently of how others cast you. You're a starring role in YOUR movie, not necessarily theirs.

Are you feeling like you are pursuing a friendship that is not reciprocal? A long-standing friendship even? It can be so hard when you care about someone, and yet get the behavioral feedback from their choices... that you just don't factor into their lives in the intregal way you hope you do.

For me, I can get hung up on the idea of "friends as family." Well...family comes with a whole bag of expectations. When I realize that I am second choice in my friend's plans. . . or not looped into the group.... or not appreciated or valued in the way I think I should be... I can take this personally, and I can regard it as evidence that I am less important to them. Or... I can realize that I am to them who they want me to be (even if that means I'm a villain). And... even if I want more, if I wish I was more important to them... I am to them... who they need me to be. To try to force or instigate myself as more of a priority for them.. is forcing something that isn't there for them. Why on earth would I want to force something that isn't there? Why would I want to squeeze who they are into a box I deem more appropriate or fulfilling.

But. That doesn't mean it's easy to live with the honesty of what the relationship is. But hard as it is, it's the surest way to be happy.. and the surest way for them to be happy with who you are to them. It becomes reciprocal happiness.

If I've learned anything from (for example) blogging, it's that the world is filled with kindred spirits out there... though spread out and far-flung, I've still met up with some of you. The communication is easy, and the rapport unforced and natural and light-hearted. Unforced. I embrace what it is (so easy to do when you're happy with the results).

My new goal for myself.

Expect ME to be who I am to THEM. No pushing or forcing or mourning my importance as a priority or non-priority, included, excluded, remembered, forgotten. I'll be happier if I embrace it. Why waste all that energy trying to force something...when I can pick it up and focus it on people with whom I feel fulfilled?

A reason. A season. A lifetime.

Let the people be who they are to you, and you can be who you are to them. Conserve energy for casting a wider net, or focusing on real appreciation of what each relationship truly is.

I am lucky... I have a couple close friends with whom I can actually talk about this very topic.. and these friends... will remind me when I inevitably get sucked into disappointment: Expect them to be who they are... and expect me to be who I am to them.

~Shephard :)

Shubert*Alley*Shephard

The Nine Rings of Relationship

Awards & Memories

Be a Squeaky Wheel

Dream-Casting "Into the Woods"

The Future Finally Arrived

A Season of Screeners

Red Lights

Living Statues

The Year of Aqua & Orange

Dream Boat

No More Rehearsing and Nursing Our Parts

Fog of Gratitude

So. Much. Change.

The Dowdy Shirt Syndrome

Teetering

The Acceptable Assumption

All That Glitters is Not Gold

Bulletin Board in the Clouds

Mighty Anthills

Protecting What I Care About

Chloe

My So Called Yard

Cat People vs. Dog People

Respecting the River's Course

Good God, Y'all

No Matter the Soil

Running for Office

Whispers & 2x4's

My Life is My Talk Show

Little Smedley's Tour of The Great Ocean Road!!

I Can't Believe I Bought Into All That

Expect You To Be Who You Are... To Them

ShubertAlleyShephard